I was suddenly filled with a sense of indescribable pain. It wasn't a pain within me, but a pain that came into me. I went to Mt E. yesterday for my practicum and spent a day in the behavioural ward. I witnessed patients going through ECT, and I wondered what went through their mind. While Dr Tan mentioned that they were just knocked unconscious because of the anesthetic jab, I can't help feeling the urge to see what was on their mind, what lies in the memory.

Memories are the second precious thing that we hold on to next to the experience. They can actually be tangible when I get really imaginative. I was just submarining on Facebook when I saw a friend's profile. A long-time JC friend. There was this weird feeling in me when I saw the profile. It seems like he is in pain and is hurting real badly. Of course, that is not my business anymore, or rather, not my business. Still, I felt uncomfortable.

I have been thinking for the past few days on what love means. It could be stress, but I feel myself extricating from it on a subconscious level. While I have no call to complain or feel even the slightest tinge of disatsfaction, I find myself panicking everytime my imagination runs wild. On one hand, I worry about getting hurt. On the other, I worry that my worry hurts people. Then, I worry that the very worry I feel is what that will bring me to where I fear. And I realised I have more than a pair of hands and my hands carry more than they should be carrying.

Like what Edgar Allan Poe said, we loved with a love that was more than love.

And that is the scary part.

Sometimes, even memories cannot capture the essence of life-at-that-moment.

I was doing up my blog at the same time reading some of the past entries, entries as early as 2003 when I realised that while focusing on the 50% change in me, the 50% that did not change was just as obvious. Change has always been the attention-seeker, but this time round, it is what remained of me that captures my attention. I can't say I am not happy with the revelation. At least I know some parts will always stay.

I started blogging 2000, early in the millennium. For almost 10 years, I have been reliving the dreams of wanting to be a columnist. They say, when you really want something and cannot attain it, you find means to. Blogging was and still is my alternative although I would never have thought that it could be a topic in my blog apart from the very first entry. That reminds me of how I always thought goal (life's goal, not KPIs) attaining to be something intriguing. It is interesting how people can die with their eyes closed only after they have seen the person they want to see or have their last wishes said (or so I thought. Afterall, that was what they show on TV). It is as if our system is programmed biologically to achieve something and then self annihilate upon success. It is somehow a morbid thought, but I am loving life as it is now.

We need to work and see all kinds of nonsense and bigtime idiots. But look, who is getting the pay at the end of the month? Yes, the idiots get higher pay, but they are idiots probably because they had too much nonsense in them. That justify their pay. And as I am typing, I telling myself not to be worried with what I have just said because idiots don't know IT. Nano knows.

Sometimes people think I am always at peace with myself and the world, and I wonder.

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I watched Marley and Me yesterday. Wow wow wow, it was a pleasant surprise. I was so tired after work yesterday and thought that Marley and Me was those kind of chick flick girl-meets-guy because of cute doggy or girl-hates-guy and then girl-loves-guy after helping him to manage his dog movie. I decided to just sit and laugh or sleep in the theatre. The pace of the movie is slow, but consistently slow such that you grow old with a family rather than boringly slow. It shows no cutie dog, but one that is quite lethal, yet harmlessly lethal. If you just draw rearing children and a dog to a parallel, there is little difference. Marley was reared like a child, a rebellious one, yet loyal. And despite the numerous trouble he got into, the responsibilty to rear him and the love the couple had for him dissipate all ill feelings that came from stress and worry from all aspects of life. I cried in the theatre and I head lots of sniffs. Not one to be seen crying in public (even though it was dark), the movie did give a little plesant surprise.

Do catch it when you are free or get the dvd when it is out!