Fear hinders us in the most invisible way. It is like the act of lighting a candle, seeing the flame strong and bright, then snuffing it out each time fear strikes. The anticipation and fear of what would happen next makes one snuff the flame out before it continues. My friend used to laugh at my very cowardy act of switching the television off at the climax of a show. Denial, avoidance. I have an issue with fast development. When the speed exceeds the circumference of my comfort zone, I do what I am best at- Nip in the bud.

To many, relighting the candle and snuffing it out is an reversible act. You can always overcome the fear by re-lighting the candle. Unaware to many, with every act of lighting, snuffing and re-lighting, the wick gets shorter. Like the lifespan of a person, it stops you from progressing. Would you rather an easy and comfortable but short life or a long life filled with constant fear?

I rather stick to the belief that if there is no great leap, that is because we are making incremental progress. If I can control my fear, I would -Just so to keep the fire burning.

I always find it funny whenever I hear a person say "Are you tired of living?" when they are scolding someone. To me, 'living' was to eat drink and be merry. Was. I can totally relate to the phrase now. I am so tired of living. I am not unhappy with my job or life, just tired. It is a state of mind that transcends beyond physical fatigue.

There are times whereby I sit down and try to figure out the value in certain words, actions and behaviour, only to find out in disappointment that there was none. Sometimes people say things to you full of sincerity but the words weigh less than a milligram. Sometimes people hug and kiss you, but they do it mechanically. Sometimes people get really close to you, but their minds are a thousand miles away. I think it is very hard it is to find someone who is sincere and true to you. After all that had happened, perhaps no one is worthy of my trust, or perhaps I am not worthy for anyone to be true to.

Life is like a labyrinth now. Sometimes, in my attempt to be really strong, I crumble into little fragments like cookies. It is so tiring to be accountable to someone else for your own life, more so for people you care and people who care about you. Towards them, there are many expectations to be met. It is equally draining to be self-centered. At the end of the day, it leaves you nowhere to go.

At the crossroad where there are many paths ahead for me to choose, I feel like breaking my leg and just lie there.

It is funny how people think that I am facing issues with life every time I blog my style. Quoting Nano, 'Thinking or reflecting doesn't mean I have problems...' and adding on to it, '... it means others who commented that do'. There you go, you have offended a million people who read your blog and think that way.

*evil laughter*.

So be it.

With the lust for lust (or if calling it lust for life makes it sound more justifiable), lives of many others lost the lustre they so deserve. Gone with the lustre is the love, the warmth the peace and the trust.

What is a promise if one adopts the perspective that a promise is never required from someone you trust and unnecessary from someone that doesn’t matter to you? Should that be the case, the term ‘promise’ should never be coined. Can we then say that a marriage vow, for instance, is just part of the necessary process for two to get wedded?

Everything happens for a reason. What does it make when everything happens all at the same time? For many reasons or for one heavy reasoning? My heart twitches at every message the nerves send to my brain and I could literally feel my soul melting to a puddle at my feet. In a way, I feel like I have failed. As a daughter, worker, friend, sister and any other role I am cast in. I cannot meet the expectations that I have set. There are so many things that I could have done better. I abhor having to fail expectations. I want to help, I want to improve the situation, I want to, I care. But no one knows. I am always the non-chalent one. I feel so trapped, so useless. It seems like that I am in the world just to be here, just so to pass time. My confidence, my optimism in life is bruised.

There are so many things that I have kept within me. I locked them in a vault and threw the key away. But each reminder somehow creates a crack, with the poison threatening to seep through every now and then.

I don’t talk about you doesn’t mean I don’t miss you. It doesn’t mean you are forgotten. If you are looking at me now and witnessing the state that I am in, please guide me along. I am confused and badly bruised. I can’t fall anymore.

Can I join you in your world? Happy 23rd.