It seems like it was yesterday when everything seemed bleak and the journey seemed hazardous. I guess it takes years to figure out something. The years of very tangible pain, the haze that clouded my vision and mind, the years of endless questions that added on to the confusion and the feeling of neither here nor there all seem to have detached themselves from me. I have never felt more at peace.
I thought of how hard I strived when I was in college and thinking back, it is unbelievable. I thought of how whatever I did reap zero returns and suddenly feel proud of myself that I survived it all. Trust me, nothing hurts more than a bad decision that appeared so right then. I remembered a friend that once told me that nothing you do will gurantee the returns you rightly deserve except physical things like exercise and I thought it was so right then.
I was really bitter about life. Bitter enough to sleepwalk and hide all my certificates, birth certificate and testimonials in a place that I will never dream of. And so the certificates, birth certificate and testimonials laid undiscovered for 4 years much to my regret and endless searching, until yesterday when my brother chanced upon it. Then the thoughts just rushed to my brain and all knots seem to dissolve at the mere contact with my very potent brain juice. And that is how I regained my original self.
It could be the season, but I love this feeling and am treasuring every minute of it. It wasn't so much the number of presents, the greetings, the warmth of genuine concern and sincerity I received (though they made part of what I am feeling), but the very fact that I understand a little more about life.
For all the friends that I am unable to meet up with, I apologise. I still love you all, especially the SJAB friends that I have not been organising activities for a long long time, I promised, the next activity would be just for you people. It is going to be a long journey and I got past the first stage of life. I am psyching myself for the second stage. I am stronger.
Jacqueline
10:23 PM
