You know what they say about living life with passion? It took me very long to realise what that means. I must have been numbed for too many years. I forgot what passion was. I just received a card from CC because I am a Passion card holder. WHY PASSION? My thought is limited to the area around V.day. Gosh, I am so shallow. What is my passion? Shopping? Nah, I don't shop with passion since I am constantly thinking of what that is left in my bank account. Swimming? Nah.. I don't swim with passion. I swim with peace. Eating sushi? Nope, I seldom take choose the expensive ones. Reading? Writing? Ahhh.. I have no more passion in life. It struck me that when passion dies, you have nothing worth living for. Why breathe and live when life is meaningless, when daily activities are nothing but a living process. You live to live and die to die. Nevertheless, I do know people who live life passionately. Dare to dream, she says.
"Dare to dream", Jas
Life is a little bit more cheery with optimistic people aroud you. Optmistic spirit around you. After all, Jas is going off to Japan. *chants: Dare to dream*
We went to eat what we used to dream everyday in class.
I can't believe that we spent two and a half years wishing for the food.
Then again, I have great company. The whole conversation at the table was about lizards.
I just can't give this shot a miss. Same action and they didn't even know. They even held the chopstick and sppon the same way. And who could miss out that ring on the forth finger? I wonder why they stuck out their tongues though. We were seriously talking about lizards.
What will things be like after we graduate?
Jas and me
Maybe I am mistaken. Dare to dream? I dreamt too much. Life would definitely get better. Why? Jas said so.
Jacqueline
3:19 PM
I had one of my longest chat with a friend from JC yesterday. It wasn't the usual chat that I have with people. I would term that as unqiue because it has significance to me. You know what they say about acknowledging something that you hate so that you can get over it? We talked about our school days in JJ then. Despite knowing how I couldn't see eye to eye with some of the people in my class, I was amazed and rather affected by the extent. I was pretty affected although I told him that I wasn't and they were a bunch not worth getting upset for and all. I went for a swim after postponing my swimming for an hour.
Swimming, something that I have not done for months. Yes, no joke. When I swam my first ten laps, I thought I would suffer heart attack in the water. Anyway, things flowed into my mind like water and as I proceeded to my second tens, issues start to gush and there was a mini storm in my mini brain. It is hard when you don’t know why you are hated for. The whole world can hate me and I probably wouldn't care if only I knew why. It reminds me of Horn's effect, once a devil, always a devil. How do people account biasness that went wayward? I know as human beings, biasness is something that comes as a second nature to us. But when biasness got to the stage whereby back stabbing and overt conflicts take place, something is really wrong. If we don't find out what went wrong, nothing can be solved.
In the end, everything boils down to the willingness of both parties to solve the problem. Sometimes, I wonder if the conflict exists because of the problems or just because one party wants the conflict to be there.
Sincerity. When I say sincerity, I am not referring to the 'Yours Sincerely' we always see at the end of letters. How many of us actually write ‘Yours sincerely’ and really mean it? Sincerity is so rare these days. I have to tell myself not to be idealistic every morning when I open my eyes. Idealism kills optimism.
Anyway, Ken has been feeling down these days. I totally understand what he is going through. If you were never once killed by the education system in Singapore, you must have never been a normal human being. When will this vicious cycle end?
Jacqueline
7:00 PM
We had a celebration for Rena Wang a.k.a CPN's 23rd birthday on Wednesday. It was heaps fun though there were not a lot of people. 23rd, and she is just a year older than me. Gosh, age is catching.
This is where we went:
It was good because there was no Teppanyaki. Cheers!
I can't help it. Maybe to you people it is not funny, but I find tian tian xiao chu becoming da tian xiao chu amusing. Trust me, it is the Gu-ba woman that made me mad.
I like soup with 2 bases!
The birthday girl who is a pig, but insists that she is a rat. Whatever.
Porky, Mic and CPN
Happy Porkies
I think the secret to youth is laughter. They are SO happy.
One more addition to my collection of group photo.
I apologise for this low quality blog entry. I am just so lazy.
Jacqueline
11:40 PM
I could still remember when I was in Primary 3, I had a great misunderstanding with my cousin, who had passed on. We were 9 then, and her brother, 12. We refused to talk to each other and he wanted both of us to shake hands and make up. I insisted that it wasn't my fault. It couldn't be and that everyone was unfair to me because I wasn't the apple of the eye, I was the rotten apple. Maybe I wasn't, but that was what I felt then. He, yes, Nasa when he was 12, said something that I still remember at the age of 21+++. He said: “I will not take sides because I know that when there is conflict, two persons are at fault. I was a kid and I couldn’t take that lying down although I fully understood what we meant then. I went on to ask him to point out where I was wrong at. “You are wrong because you refused to forgive her because you already have the impression that you are a rotten apple”. Wham, that hit me and I almost stumbled backward. What he said was what I really felt then, something that I tried to mask just so to keep everything at surface level. Till today, I still remember his words.
As years grew by, no, I mean as years piled, I forgot all the basic principles of life. With the environment influences, with friends (not that friends are bad) and with increasing knowledge of the less important things that seemed ‘more important’, I cleanly forgot how to live my life meaningfully. I was on the bus chatting with Daddy about my future. I told him my plans to remain true to myself even as I enter the adulterated working society. If I cannot be true to myself, life is meaningless. If you think the Business Ethics lesson works its way through me, you can go slap yourself left right and center. I learnt nothing from the lessons, except maybe more recently, some chemistry, a little geography and perhaps social studies. Then again, I had one of the most wonderful lesson today.
I knew my LM lecturer was good, but that good? Wow. Sometimes people do seem like they are ignorant but I guess when they told us not to judge a book by the cover, they really meant it. Like Nasa. Who would think that someone who loves criticizing can come up with the earlier mentioned theory at the age of 12? Then again, I bet he has forgotten and that like many people including me, we get fascinated by what we could actually come up with when we were young. Ok, I digress. But I learnt something in class today. I told Rena that we all have this little awareness in us, its just that some of us leave it undiscovered. Potential untapped. First, it was the power of influence. Now, it is the principles of Aikido. There are so much things to learn in life.
I feel comforted and assured knowing a little more on how to deal with what was once doubt. For once after so many months,
I got confirmed.
Jacqueline
11:18 PM
What is the feeling of happiness? Like truely happy? I don't think I have ever felt that way before. I mean, I am happy with my current life, I love all my friends and family members and sometimes myself. Regardless of what great life I live by, I never really experience 'happiness' for more than 2 minutes. Perhaps I am way too idealistic. My definition of 'happiness', for all I know, may not even exist in this world.
Anyway, I had an interesting lecture yesterday. Wayne showed an interesting video (more interesting than his lecture). The speaker in the video brought out few intersting concept, one of which, though interesting, has many loopholes. He said that people gave because they want something back from you. That is not true. There are people who give willingly and I am sure their very first thought in the gesture was not to calculate what they would get back in return. There are people who gave just so to win a smile, to brighten someone's day because they have no idea how it feels to be happy. I don't think I ever give just so to wait for ppl to reciprocate. If I really wanted a favor from someone, I would have asked. If I am shy in asking for help, I would rather die helpless. Yes, I happen to have very thin skin for my face. That is beside the point.
Anyway, game-playing sucks. Though the speaker pointed out some interesting facts on the psychology of humans, it only makes me more resistant to what that awaits me when I step into the working world. When the time comes, everything would be just a game. You and I, we would be pawns. At the end of the day, we would die. All these, just for a stupid game. Maybe being a Hobo is not that bad an idea afterall.
Jacqueline
11:17 PM
I was on my way home from Finance class rushing for that wedding dinner when I realised how flawed my character is. I shouldn't have criticised the wedding dinner that I was about to go to then. Yes, I was reluctant to go because I was tired and all. Yes, it is not held at some posh hotel or restaurant. But hey, they are getting married and they invited people to witness their marriage, to give them blessings, not to comment on the contumes or the shot gun or anything else. I am so disgusted with myself.
Still, the restaurant was bad. Nothing to do with the couple's financial status, just the service. I found some really short hair in my dessert. The waitress added Chinese tea into my uncle's beer because Chinese tea is poured in wine glasses and red wine and beer is poured into the normal glasses (This is a classic). Little bowls that are used by different people at the table are all mixed up. It was a wonder the wedding dinner got off with little criticism from Nasa.
Someone from the atas side called and informed yet another wedding. *mocked sincerity* Hohoho Jacqueline, this is Aunty ****, How are you doing? SIM right? *another release of high pitch laughter* Congratulations.... yadda yadda yaddddaaaaa...
There you go, I am such a bitch. My character flaw is showing again. She could mean nothing and it could be me making a mountain out of a molehill. Oh.. as if all these flaws can make me feel any better. More tests and assignments coming up and my schedule is planned not by day, but by hrs. It doesn't stop for break and it goes in like that of a vicious cycle. One after another, they go sucking my energy level.
I am such a loser.
Jacqueline
8:12 AM
Nothing has been happening. The sushi gathering with Flo and Lin was superb, albeit a little tearful. That in a good way, because the things they said were way too funny. What to do, I have friends that enjoy laughing. Speaking of which, I FORGOT to buy the tickets for the play 'The Secret of Laughter'! (This must be an interesting play becasue it is not Secret
to Laughter, it is Secret
of laughter, either that or it could be really dumb and meaningless) No one reminded me, my left-hand, have you forgotten too?
Time flies. I am left with one more chapter to finish for my Prices and Market and three more lessons of Leadership and management. That means that exams are coming, which also indicates that assignments are due soon. Too soon. A friendly reminder: LM group assignment has yet to be started, HRD group assignment has been happily ignored, Ethics individual assignment was cleanly forgotten and on top of all, Finance and PM tests.
I have no motivation, but at least I have responsibility. Even if it took every single minute of my day to do them, I will. How about you?
Jacqueline
7:56 AM
You know how it is that knowing less is more beneficial to knowing more? I distinctly remember how my Mathematics teacher made a comment about me and how he made my friends keep their promise not to tell me. Me, being the 24-hr on standby me, thought that my friends were bahaving a little unusual and forced it our from them. He said that I am beyond hope for Mathematics. Thinking back now, it was really funny. But during then, I was shattered. Not that I like the teacher, I was just upset to find someone saying that when I have tried and tried. All that was within my control was done, what more can I do?
It may not be the reason why I didnt do well eventually, but it could have been, without me knowing. When I was 5 years old, I took up Judo class. I quit after few lessons because I was a little behind the students as I started late. When I was six, I quit organ because my cousin wanted to give up. She gave up because I got a bigger sticker than her from the organ teacher. When I was 7, I took up drama classes and gave up because the teachers did not give me the attention I wanted. When I was 9, I gave up my poetry recital class because I was only the second best and the best student was a year younger than me. ( I stil see him around now and I still glare at him. lol) What is my bottomline? I needed attention to thrive. To me, life was meaningless without praises and support then.
Hey, I am in the process of outgrowing it (although I still love attention)! I gradually learn that failure is constructive. Negative thoughts are constructive. Weaknesses are constructive. All these embarrassment are more constructive than any other things if you are willing to acknowledge them. Notice: 'embarrassment'? Yes, I still think they are embarassing and I still abhor imperfectness. They are not nice to hear, but once you get past them, it is a state of jubilation. Do me a favor.
Jacqueline
11:58 AM
I rather do three essays at a shot than to have my Finance test. Really.
Jacqueline
11:55 AM
We are all entitled to our perceptions and freedom of speech. Yes I agree. But in the process of doing so, are we infringing on other's right of perceptions and their freedom of speech? Do we, in the process of stating our views, coerce people into agreeing or put people down for having a different perception? No, we are not talking about ethics and moral values or even religions, just the way to lead your life like a normal human being.
As we grow older, there are so much more to consider. People's feeling, People's disposition, outcomes, situations, future... Close your palms and stick both fists together. Can that size contain so many thoughts? And we are talking about 'contain', not solve, not even figure. Of course, I am not suspecting the intellectual ability of normal being. I just wonder how life can go on
Does your expectation of yourself tally with the expectations others happily, hopefully piled on you? Sometimes, just sometimes, we should take a break, step out from what we are doing and watch the world goes by. In the process of swearing and cursing about the rain droplets, have we forgotten about the droughts?
In the midst of living our life, have we forgotten how to breathe?
Jacqueline
8:03 AM
Sometimes I rest and look at my portfolio, the one that I will show God after I passed on and I feel thoroughly disgusted. Eeek Jacq, Ewww...
Maybe I need a little break. I am way too vulnerable to defend, to mask, to think. What would help would be a masking tape. I need to tape my mouth.
What happened, soul? Return to mama.
I can't think without my soul.
Jacqueline
12:25 AM
