Times are not that great. I have no idea where to start from but I am just so tired explaining myself. Thank God for the Christmas celebration at Cecilia's place. If not, I might have gone crazy. I went out alone yesterday just to spend some time alone doing things I want to do. The train went on and on and I got down at where I felt like going. I went into shops I want to go and bought a lot of clothes. I felt confident and adopted another persona that nobody would thought was me. It feels wonderful to have no one beside you to set a benchmark, no one to judge you and no one to form thoughts or conclusions on your behavior.
If I didn't meet Florence by chance, I would have spent all the money I had. Meeting Florence upon chance was not in my plan and it somehow brought me back to reality. I became stonger as there is no need to wallow because I am always strong in front of others. Then my carefree persona changed. I feel like a boggert. The thing in Harry Potter's movie that changes its form to your greatest fear. My greatest fear is myself. In a way since I have a serious case of unsuspected schizo. That aside, we had mouth diarrhoea and I finally managed to explain my position to the only willing audience that appears at the seemingly 'right' occassion.
Then my computer broke down, as if it is so loyal, choosing to break own with me. There is this unspoken relationship with me and computer that is eerily amazing. Someone used to tell me to treat computers like humans. I forgot who, but must be some guy since men prefer to talk to non-living things more than explaining themselves to women. (You see men talking talking to their cars 'wives' but you don't see women talking to their foundations or mascara.) Can't anyone do something like invent a cd that fixesany computer problems automatically when fed into the computer? Trust me, I would buy it even if the price is ridiculously high, say $1000.
I am talking to my cactus, Durry (the Christmas present I got for myself) because it is the best candidate that will listen and not disrupt by own thinking. What to do, I am self-centred. I wish.. sometimes I wish that I have never been born because I bring nothing but trouble to people around me.
I need more time to think, maybe if I bought that earring I saw, I would feel better. Shopping is therapeutic. When a woman says that, there is no joke about it. Even if it makes a person a lot poorer, the triumph felt is overwhelming.
Jacqueline
10:11 PM
