Time check: 9.45pm, Saturday, 31st Dec 2005

In a blink of an eye, 2005 would be a memory. 2005 has been an eventful year, with good and bad things happening. That was the second year in SIM and my friendship with the people grew. Under stress, we managed to complete many projects that were seemingly impossible to carry out. I, on the other hand, got out of my pit after doing badly for one module.

Looking through my blog's archive, 2005 has been a year with many changes. I have changed pretty much as well. My first entry in 2005 was about the victims of tsunami, on how I saved so that I could give more to people who need the money more than I do. Looking at me now, the NKF saga seems like a wonderful excuse to be self-centred. I am less giving and I wonder what has gone wrong with me. I should really do something about that particular area of my life. Leave that as one of my 2006 resolution.

That was in January, 6 tuition students, stressed over nothing, trying to cope with the feeling of being in a different class as my clique as they carry on with their next 4 mods. It wasn't easy for me because it takes a hell lot of time for me to get used to another group of people or a new environment, especially when I am extremely resistant to whatever that is new. Still, I am proud to say that with encouragement from friends, I managed to pick myself up and snap out of it.

Then came February's entry on CNY and all. I came upon something that I wrote which I realised that I have clean forgotten. This is how it goes:

"We live once in our life. There is only one second in every momment. This one thirty in the morning of 18th February 2005 has to be experienced by me. It's such a waste of time to sleep every second through. Life is so marvellous in every different way, that is if we take a little time to stand aside and watch the wrold goes by. We learn, we cherish, we feel, we tear. Life is miraculous. Everything is a miracle. Everything, if only we close our eyes and appreciate."

How is it that I can be that sensible then and now, I didn't seem to grow. I kept complaining on how life seems to be in a stagnance, how friends are moving on to greater heights and all. But what was I thinking? Which part of life do I want to move on? I have definitely moved on in terms of studies and relationships, but what about my personal development? Have I become shallower in my bid to be less shallow?

In one of my March entry, I found this:

"Sometimes, it worries the hell out of me, having to see the very dark side of human beings. I was taught that no profit maximising organizations are out to do charity, that power play and tactful politic play are used to the company's advantage, not harm. That money is not evil, it's how people abuse it that makes it seem evil. Unlike most of the times whereby I disagree strongly, I am sitting on the fence this time round."

It suddenly occured to me that humans are evil. Not all, but there is this streak of potential in humans to be very evil. That is something that I never believed in. A human, with all basic needs taken, will resort to anything to restore the situation back to status quo. It is sad in a way. I remembered saying that God gave us 5 senses without thinking that these 5 senses can result in actions that are as bad as they can generate good outcomes. The choice, ultimately, belongs to us.

April. My 21st Birthday. I never like to celebrate my birthdays, at least not in that way. As I have reiterated one million times, I always get sick or something bad would happen on that day. Still, I had a celebration that left me poor for the rest of the year. The memories are worthed the amount of money. Nothing has changed, except me learning how to appreciate the people around me more. I came to realise that nothing beats spending your birthday with all your favourite people. It is also because of the birthday that I came to know a very worthy friend, my left hand. That could be considered as a turning point of my social life after living like a hermit in college.

May and June were hectic. Flora left Singapore for Australia and it came to me as a shock because I didn't see it coming. Despite being the same age, I watched Flora 'grow' in a way. I came to a silly conclusion that I should not grow too attached to people because they may leave anytime.This is something that I promised to stick to, but always forget to carry it out. I wrote:

"Its a pity that the friendship cannot be taken to another level. But I guess time is not a factor or a good gauge. You can know a person for yons yet still feel the presence of transparent wall in between. You can also meet a person for less than 10 times to click with the person."

And that comforted me. At least our paths in our journey of life crossed before.

The situation was made worse with Dad's medical report confirming that he had colon cancer. I felt my world falling apart. Despite being cynical and skeptical, I have never expected that to happen. And of all people, health conscious Dad. Witnessing his operation, his weak moment made me stronger. I started planning and taking charge. Mum was surprisingly strong too. I learnt a lot about my family members, even when I thought I thoroughly knew them.

Then came July. Unknown to many, or any, I had a failed relationship. It wasn't exactly the way it was. It isn't what anyone thought it was, but I was left blind. I have to wear the mask. masked everything all up so that everyone around me will not be affected. The only channel for frustration was through entries that make no sense and poems with underlying meanings that no one could uncover. That was enough to kill every sad feeling in me. Every, well, almost every anyway.

August was the month that all the sickness came. I undertook so many tedious projects and I had to adapt to working with another group of people. There were so many things to do and so little time. Everything extended to September and with that, the number of tuitions cut down and I was constantly fighting with time. I learnt about the cancellation of OSP, the exchange program, the requirements and all. I drifted everywhere the tide brought me, high and low. That was when I stopped fighting against the tide. Either way, I was caught in the sea.

Then exams came as if the torture was not enough. Zhiliang and Yiren went to Australia to seek a new life. Exams ended and I managed to spend more time with Left hand, some of my friends, and lesser time with others. It wasn't what I expected either. Friends just disappear. Then again, proximity is not a problem because I still managed to have mouth diarrhoea with Wee. When all seem lost, there is always a glimmer of light. Just look harder.

December came and it went. Almost anyway. Gatherings with my SJAB people, my power clique made up of completely different characters, my Dunearn people, Florence and left-hand. oh, and cousins. I had a bad and good Christmas. A bad and good Boxing Day. What about my last day of 2005?

Last Day of 2005