Time check: 9.45pm, Saturday, 31st Dec 2005
In a blink of an eye, 2005 would be a memory. 2005 has been an eventful year, with good and bad things happening. That was the second year in SIM and my friendship with the people grew. Under stress, we managed to complete many projects that were seemingly impossible to carry out. I, on the other hand, got out of my pit after doing badly for one module.
Looking through my blog's archive, 2005 has been a year with many changes. I have changed pretty much as well. My first entry in 2005 was about the victims of tsunami, on how I saved so that I could give more to people who need the money more than I do. Looking at me now, the NKF saga seems like a wonderful excuse to be self-centred. I am less giving and I wonder what has gone wrong with me. I should really do something about that particular area of my life. Leave that as one of my 2006 resolution.
That was in January, 6 tuition students, stressed over nothing, trying to cope with the feeling of being in a different class as my clique as they carry on with their next 4 mods. It wasn't easy for me because it takes a hell lot of time for me to get used to another group of people or a new environment, especially when I am extremely resistant to whatever that is new. Still, I am proud to say that with encouragement from friends, I managed to pick myself up and snap out of it.
Then came February's entry on CNY and all. I came upon something that I wrote which I realised that I have clean forgotten. This is how it goes:
"We live once in our life. There is only one second in every momment. This one thirty in the morning of 18th February 2005 has to be experienced by me. It's such a waste of time to sleep every second through. Life is so marvellous in every different way, that is if we take a little time to stand aside and watch the wrold goes by. We learn, we cherish, we feel, we tear. Life is miraculous. Everything is a miracle. Everything, if only we close our eyes and appreciate."
How is it that I can be that sensible then and now, I didn't seem to grow. I kept complaining on how life seems to be in a stagnance, how friends are moving on to greater heights and all. But what was I thinking? Which part of life do I want to move on? I have definitely moved on in terms of studies and relationships, but what about my personal development? Have I become shallower in my bid to be less shallow?
In one of my March entry, I found this:
"Sometimes, it worries the hell out of me, having to see the very dark side of human beings. I was taught that no profit maximising organizations are out to do charity, that power play and tactful politic play are used to the company's advantage, not harm. That money is not evil, it's how people abuse it that makes it seem evil. Unlike most of the times whereby I disagree strongly, I am sitting on the fence this time round."
It suddenly occured to me that humans are evil. Not all, but there is this streak of potential in humans to be very evil. That is something that I never believed in. A human, with all basic needs taken, will resort to anything to restore the situation back to status quo. It is sad in a way. I remembered saying that God gave us 5 senses without thinking that these 5 senses can result in actions that are as bad as they can generate good outcomes. The choice, ultimately, belongs to us.
April. My 21st Birthday. I never like to celebrate my birthdays, at least not in that way. As I have reiterated one million times, I always get sick or something bad would happen on that day. Still, I had a celebration that left me poor for the rest of the year. The memories are worthed the amount of money. Nothing has changed, except me learning how to appreciate the people around me more. I came to realise that nothing beats spending your birthday with all your favourite people. It is also because of the birthday that I came to know a very worthy friend, my left hand. That could be considered as a turning point of my social life after living like a hermit in college.
May and June were hectic. Flora left Singapore for Australia and it came to me as a shock because I didn't see it coming. Despite being the same age, I watched Flora 'grow' in a way. I came to a silly conclusion that I should not grow too attached to people because they may leave anytime.This is something that I promised to stick to, but always forget to carry it out. I wrote:
"Its a pity that the friendship cannot be taken to another level. But I guess time is not a factor or a good gauge. You can know a person for yons yet still feel the presence of transparent wall in between. You can also meet a person for less than 10 times to click with the person."
And that comforted me. At least our paths in our journey of life crossed before.
The situation was made worse with Dad's medical report confirming that he had colon cancer. I felt my world falling apart. Despite being cynical and skeptical, I have never expected that to happen. And of all people, health conscious Dad. Witnessing his operation, his weak moment made me stronger. I started planning and taking charge. Mum was surprisingly strong too. I learnt a lot about my family members, even when I thought I thoroughly knew them.
Then came July. Unknown to many, or any, I had a failed relationship. It wasn't exactly the way it was. It isn't what anyone thought it was, but I was left blind. I have to wear the mask. masked everything all up so that everyone around me will not be affected. The only channel for frustration was through entries that make no sense and poems with underlying meanings that no one could uncover. That was enough to kill every sad feeling in me. Every, well, almost every anyway.
August was the month that all the sickness came. I undertook so many tedious projects and I had to adapt to working with another group of people. There were so many things to do and so little time. Everything extended to September and with that, the number of tuitions cut down and I was constantly fighting with time. I learnt about the cancellation of OSP, the exchange program, the requirements and all. I drifted everywhere the tide brought me, high and low. That was when I stopped fighting against the tide. Either way, I was caught in the sea.
Then exams came as if the torture was not enough. Zhiliang and Yiren went to Australia to seek a new life. Exams ended and I managed to spend more time with Left hand, some of my friends, and lesser time with others. It wasn't what I expected either. Friends just disappear. Then again, proximity is not a problem because I still managed to have mouth diarrhoea with Wee. When all seem lost, there is always a glimmer of light. Just look harder.
December came and it went. Almost anyway. Gatherings with my SJAB people, my power clique made up of completely different characters, my Dunearn people, Florence and left-hand. oh, and cousins. I had a bad and good Christmas. A bad and good Boxing Day. What about my last day of 2005?
Last Day of 2005
Got my contact lenses
Got more accessories for CNY
Did back to school shopping
Countered my challenge and fear
Attempted to patch things up but failed again
Watched a lot of programs
Caught Florence online
Reflected on my wrongdoings (I still think I am right)
Time check: 11.12pm.
It feels good to think back, to reflect on the past year. If you don't look back, you cannot move on. Past, especially bad happenings, are what that make us learn and forward.
Happy 2006, people. May the bad experience in 2005 be left behind and the good experiences be brought forward to the next year.
The sun will still rise tomorrow, will you be any different?
Jacqueline
9:48 PM
Times are not that great. I have no idea where to start from but I am just so tired explaining myself. Thank God for the Christmas celebration at Cecilia's place. If not, I might have gone crazy. I went out alone yesterday just to spend some time alone doing things I want to do. The train went on and on and I got down at where I felt like going. I went into shops I want to go and bought a lot of clothes. I felt confident and adopted another persona that nobody would thought was me. It feels wonderful to have no one beside you to set a benchmark, no one to judge you and no one to form thoughts or conclusions on your behavior.
If I didn't meet Florence by chance, I would have spent all the money I had. Meeting Florence upon chance was not in my plan and it somehow brought me back to reality. I became stonger as there is no need to wallow because I am always strong in front of others. Then my carefree persona changed. I feel like a boggert. The thing in Harry Potter's movie that changes its form to your greatest fear. My greatest fear is myself. In a way since I have a serious case of unsuspected schizo. That aside, we had mouth diarrhoea and I finally managed to explain my position to the only willing audience that appears at the seemingly 'right' occassion.
Then my computer broke down, as if it is so loyal, choosing to break own with me. There is this unspoken relationship with me and computer that is eerily amazing. Someone used to tell me to treat computers like humans. I forgot who, but must be some guy since men prefer to talk to non-living things more than explaining themselves to women. (You see men talking talking to their cars 'wives' but you don't see women talking to their foundations or mascara.) Can't anyone do something like invent a cd that fixesany computer problems automatically when fed into the computer? Trust me, I would buy it even if the price is ridiculously high, say $1000.
I am talking to my cactus, Durry (the Christmas present I got for myself) because it is the best candidate that will listen and not disrupt by own thinking. What to do, I am self-centred. I wish.. sometimes I wish that I have never been born because I bring nothing but trouble to people around me.
I need more time to think, maybe if I bought that earring I saw, I would feel better. Shopping is therapeutic. When a woman says that, there is no joke about it. Even if it makes a person a lot poorer, the triumph felt is overwhelming.
Jacqueline
10:11 PM
http://www.syfc.org.sg/christmas05/hokkien-rec.htmThoroughly amused by this Christmas greeting.
Jacqueline
10:30 PM
The pictures for the SJAB gathering 2005 are out. The photos are not very clear, not because of the resolution. Its the smoke. We had steamboat at Marina Bay, Zhen Fa live seafood (The prawns seemed like they were the only food alive, still they prove too live for me).
It was nice meeting old friends up.
My company of the day
Yes, Mr James Choi is the proud owner of that live prawn he is holding. I have a feeling that he felt a surge of andrealine through his body everything Yiru screams at a twitching prawn. I miss the days in school. Secondary school that is. Imagine these people in Full-U now and they would be doing pumping continuously for few days with tinted hair, long painted nails, feet-dragging and all.
Clean and empty
Look at the soot and the oil!
Look at this cute chestnut, garlic-shaped whatever, they said it looked like a bun. Thinking how it could be a tang-bao (soup bun), I happily dropped it inside the soup. To my disappointment, it is only a feeble attempt of the Fu zhou Fishball makers at trying ti think out of the box. Good try nevertherless, it caught consumers' attention.
Look carefully at the main character. Does it know its fate? Jian jun shared a story with 'cia and me after the group parted and we headed to NYDC for Jedi Mudster. It was a story of a frog not knowing that it was being cooked alive when the temperature of the water was increased gradually. Nice one. (Both the Jedi Mudster and the story) But while he was saying, I can't help wishing something...... Mr Choi should start a prayer session for the live prawns.
Alicia dear!
Qi and Gan cheong spider
Timers!
I didn't look too good. I was dying of smoke soot inhalation. Still, Me and my Ru!
The Birthday Boy
Finally 21! In a way, I watch this dude grow even though we are of the same age. I have no idea how to put it, but from 12 years old to 21, the change is more than 360 degree. It is ... say... 1080 degrees. Happy 21st dude. Good luck on your life mission.
It's Christmas eve today. May peace be with you.
Jacqueline
9:29 AM
I knew that something is wrong when I feel exceptionally chirpy. I knew it. It wasn't meant to be bad news. In fact, it is a pretty good news and I am glad that Jasline has found what is important to her, all in a single moment. Because of that, I am happy for her. Jas has finally gotten her Japanese scholarship and that proves an invaluable opportunity for her to move on to another challenge in life. Three years to take up the challenge, the life that she yearns. With that, she would be withdrawing from school and with that, she would be leaving us. Just like Flora. And when the time for overseas exchange comes, the rest would be heading to US. Guess who would be left in stagnance?
I knew Jas would get it. It was even before she told me what the two good news were that I knew what they were. No more fruit eating kakis, no more long walks, no more quirky ideas, no more chats and gossips, no more motivation and chats on life, no more sports kaki... one less HR group mate. I feel very alone all of a sudden. Why am I never the one that is leaving? What about Scuba?
I am truly happy for Jas. If only I have that courage to pursue what I want in life. Whats so scary about Marketing that made me choose Finance? I am such a coward. Fate is not the plan. I am going to plan.
May good luck be with Jas and her...
Jacqueline
10:05 PM
| Your Birthdate: April 7 |
You are an island. You don't need anyone else to make you happy.
And though you see yourself as a loner, people are drawn to you.
Deep and sensitive, you tend to impress others with your insights.
You also tend to be psychic - so listen to that inner voice!
Your strength: Your self sufficiency
Your weakness: You despise authority
Your power color: Maroon
Your power symbol: Hammer
Your power month: July |
Hammer! My power symbol is a freaking hammer! Bt I have to admit, I have an aggressive soul. So hammer is kinda apt being a power symbol.
I had an oily outing with my SJAB gang last Sunday and I will blog when the photos are ready. It was nice meeting up with long-time friends though.
I am late for my gym. Got to go pack. Take care, folks.
Jacqueline
8:04 AM
Christmas Prelude
I got my second Christmas present! The first was a Roxy card holder and coin pouch from dear Florence and the second one from a kind soul, my right hand. I finally got it when I thought that all hope is gone. Nicely wrapped in a very fairy-like box. Sweet. I received a card from Mr Nasa too. Kinda touching. I love Tatty bear. We went to Bakerz In at One Fullerton. The night view was enchanting.
Merlion is not a good liquor holder.
Reflections
Enchanting. You can't see anything yet there is something.
A city that never sleeps
An outing is nothing when there is no fabulous food. We were supposed to chill out at The Balcony at Heeren. It was a nice change to get out of the hustle bustle in town.
Guess which was mine?
Christmasy Tapaz, though I really hate the ginger jelly one.
My right hand
I didn't bother to ask to post Mr Nasa's photo. I waste no breath. I had a great time though.
Jacqueline
3:22 PM
It must be a case of sugar overdose yesterday, I had barely caught a wink and am still feeling pretty hyper now. What is worse off than the combination of an abnormally active mind and extremely ugly drooping eyes? I woke up at 7 am to finish off the vcds Cheryl kindly lent me. Oh, there was a part that was so heart wrenching that I teared for one full hour. That explains my blotchy look. I will definitely behave like a spoilt brat at the later part of the day. *cross my fingers*
The show was neatly plotted with adequate amount of twists and the part whereby the main character needs to make a decision injects reality into the whole idea of unrealistic idol drama. I love parodoxical expression. Like reality in an unrealistic setting, caring tone in harsh words, flaws in a seemingly perfect person or environment, hiatus in a long road run and many others. Life is more complex, interesting and real that way. Afterall, everything in this world is overlapped if we think about it. Cause and effect and all.
Nevertheless, the drama is a little too typical. It should show a bigger picture of the family after the incident and emphasize more on how the fear was alleviated. Afterall, the fear was a great obstacle to the relationship. Anyway, it is a nice show, lacking a bit of glitter and glow, but still gives viewers a satisfied feeling. It is one of those nice tasting Lobster bisque served beside a stall that sells fermented beancurd. Of course, the fermented beancurd refers to the absolutely lousy Rainbow show on Channel 8 and that Fishball show. Maybe they are not even fermented beancurd because despite the smell, it is supposed to taste nice. Oh no, I am uttering rubbish again.
There is this mini tornado in my head and I thought I just saw Tazmania below my eye. I think I better stop blogging. My brain is flooded with a lot of abstracts today. Will blog about my mini Christmas celebration when the photos come. Watch VCDS! (courtesy of
Choco Cheryl and
Create-trouble-and-laugh Cecilia)
Jacqueline
10:39 AM
Amazing grace (not nana's man-eating dog), how sweet it sounds. It had been an eventful day despite the short meet up during re-enrolment. I guess the long break was way too welcomed and almost everyone had that glow on their face. Re-enrolment.
I would be taking five subjects in the coming semester and once again, I made decisions in the same ad-hoc fashion. I just couldn't kick out of that habit. Instead of marketing that I was quite persistent and confident in dealing, I opted Business Finance, something which I know will go very wrong if the stress monster stepped in. What was I thinking?
My decision can simply be explained by one word: Faith. For these past years, I have learnt practically nothing about that word. Having faith in 'faith' is something that I would never think of. The logic behind that is simple. I learnt form experience and my experience told me to be less guillible. Why did I throw myself into that similar situation when I am so unsure of what I would be facing?
Simple. If I don't conquer and rectify it, when will I do it? Life can be at the stage where stagnance prevail, but I am not going to lose witout putting up a fight.
Jacqueline
11:15 PM
I am one of the ornaments in that big Christmas tree and I am there only to add an atmosphere to the season. Why do I feel so used?
Jacqueline
11:40 PM
I feel good.
Jacqueline
12:04 PM
" The worst punishment is to see someone dear leave the world before you do. For that,I actually hope to die young. In these way, I don't have to suffer the pain again". He said so. I didn't know how to reply because I have no ready-made answer. I wasn't ready and will never be ready to broach on that topic. He thought I was and I failed him. It would be good if I can provide a listening ear. Once again, the feeling of failing others overwhelmed me. The need to redeem chucked me into a role that I never was. I willingly allow myself to be used as a replacement, to be at beck and call. Sometimes I feel like a beeper. I did that out of my willingness and I am not complaining. Neither have I once regretted. That was the one and only way to get into his mind, to know what he is thinking, or perhaps, to redeem myself. In all the attempt to make myself more available and visible, I have faded into the background. I like this new role.
Jacqueline
11:46 AM
The need to break free from all contacts comes strong these few days. I have no qualms about meeting up of course, but if you want to meet up with a live corpse, I would advise you to do otherwise. Life has been good because it is simple and bland. I spent many of the days reminiscing and was almost a little shock to look into the mirror and saw that hint of age. Time waits for no man, or woman.
*Trivia*Big events! Boxing Day 2005! Maybe the theme should be something related to Boxing. Theme, give me a theme for that Christmas party!
Ken is not well with one big(and growing)growth under his eyelid. I suspect he peeps at indecent magazines. -cross my fingers-
What modules am I taking for my next semester? Rather, how many modules?
Which persona should I take on in the coming event?
When can I get my pay?
Jacqueline
7:30 AM
All, almost all my friends are back from Australia!!! I am suddenly cheered up and more motivated to go to gatherings. Just had a chat with one. For a very simple reason, I am feeling happy for once. Therefore, I am going to disappear for a while. No contacts and nothing can take that feeling away from me. At least, for this disappearing period, I can maintain my simple bliss.
Jacqueline
1:06 PM
It is amazing how life works, how each life will have an effect on another. This probably led to my theory of helping one and other to survive. To some, surviving in this world seems like an innate ability, a skill that we are born with. Even doing nothing does not terminate your survival. That is to some. Personally, I find survival something really hard to come by. And I am saying this in the supposedly safe Singapore with one of the lowest crime rate. Coming to think of it, survival and our immediate environment have practically no link at all. If you were to die, you would. I think if I were to, life would be of little regrets. I have my loved ones, I have close friends, I have fun-loving relatives and that is probabaly all that matter.
I had great fun walking to Westmall with the only two darlings that are willing to brave through the storms and weather-beaten condition and walk with me along my path. We played cards till wee hours and for these few months, last night was the first time I laughed till I lost control, till my sides hurt, till I cry ridiculous tears. It was good abdominal exercise. Now my tummy hurts. And the pain is so welcomed. It is good to take a break from all those thoughts. I love being in a room filled with everyone I love, doing different things at the same time sharing the same air in the room. Nothing beats the warmth love gives and therefore no regrets.
It's chocolate everyday, thanks to this
kind evil soul.
Thanks for travelling to Europe with me. 
Subways RunawaysI wish for a wish I wished
that night.
Jacqueline
10:44 AM
