Tribute.
Three more days.
At least I gave notice, you didn't. You just went and took part of everyone with you.I am not angry, never felt angry at that. But is that fair? Is it fair that I have to take all the fault, that I have to feel 'sinful' simply because I have done nothing?
I just received a message through Friendster from one of our primary school friend and she asked me how
we are doing. How am I supposed to answer that? Enlighten me.
It caught me off-guard. I have tried to prepare ready-answers so that if there were any questions, I would be able to answer them without any slip, without any show of emotions, even, without blinking my eyes. I didn't anticipate this and it charged right up my face. I followed my body, not by brain or heart. I typed whatever that came to my mind. I shouldn't, but yes, I did it again.
Seven years, things could have been so different. Perhaps you are one of the person I will meet if I managed to reach the level you are at now. You have no idea how much I missed you. I try to search for small parts of you in all my friends and piece them up so that you can be whole again. I failed. You will never return from your trip. I would probably have to wait for some time. Meanwhile, how do I make this life worthwhile?
I am caught in the webs that I soun without planning to. Will I ever live in the life that I am entitled to?
Jacqueline
9:12 AM
So much happened within these few days. It is wrong to try to change a person. It is the greatest mistake anyone can make. I realised that true true love means that you have to accept everything a person has, flaws, past, mistakes and all. It's so cliche and I hate to endorse 'cliche' but.. well, I guess I am the kind that need to experience something personally in order to learn. You know what they say about learning from experience, preferably others? That never works on me.
Its amazing how my mood can switch that fast even before I am done with this entry. What I have felt when I first started this entry is totally different from what I am feeling now. I promised never to blog when I am on messenger. I hate this feeling now. I know I have blogged a million times about misunderstandings and accusation but I am still going to touch on it. I abhor what I am feeling now. Totally hate it.
It has always been easy for me to get misunderstood. I don't blame many because in this era, almost everyone does thing with a reason, a purpose or a hidden agenda. It is almost impossible for anyone to believe that a gift is given out of goodwill, good intention. They said that nothing is free in this world because they look at a gift as a favour. That is the traditional chinese thinking. We don't have Thanksgiving. The only thanks some of use do give is to pray to the air every 1st and 15th of the lunar calendar to ancestors. That is not free too. Offerings, the more sumptious the better. Nothing is free. That is why Asians are considerd more shrewed than Europeans. Their attitude of 'what do I stand to gain' apart from those stated in contracts attributes to that. Seriously, 'shrewed' is an over-rated word to use.
Not learning how to appreciate an act of kindness is one of the worst thing. People call it 'sin' but I hate that word. I hate it when I have to travel all the way to somewhere far to meet someone because I wanted to meet that person and that same someone travels all the way to visit me because they 'can collect something along the way'. Perhaps it dates back to the word 'expectation'. It seems like I am unable to move past the stage of 'expectations' and 'failures' and 'hope'. Maybe it was a huge mistake to think that those are stages of life. They are probably elements that revolve around each stage of life.
I hate to be caught at the fork of paths and it seems like there are forks wherever I go. I dislike the feeling of hoping and wanting things to be 'this way' instead of what they turned out to be. Like ten years later finding myself sitting in a small and cramp office wishing that I have a high-powered career, spiffy life and anything I want. I want to know more about life and yet I hate what life would bring me. I find myself wishing for trancendence, yet whenever the chance comes I will crawl back to my comfort zone. I am such a coward. I hate to be in a Catch 21. Gosh, I just realised that there are so many things I hate. It is as if I can't stop complaining. But life would be so bland without peppers of complaints. I wish, this very moment, that I am the little girl.
She is probably wishing that she could be me. Will the wishes ad hopes ever end. It must be the Yuletide season that makes me feel that full of hope. I must snap out of it.
I realise that I am always asking questions about life and all. I told myself not to bother about life, not to bother about all the secrets underneath the earth's surface. (Heck, I love to imagine that the earth is actually a mystifying place.) I can't help it. And just for today, I am not going to end with a question. Let me end with a 'whatever that comes next'
Jacqueline
10:18 PM
Sexpo was so.. much as I hate to admit, sleazy. No, it is not about dirty or pervertic sex that made it sleazy. It is the crowd that it attracts. Obviously, the targeted crowd did not turn up. We were the youngest, or rather, I was (They all got in while I was held up because I was asked for my bloody ic.) It was boring, bodering on sucidal. I enjoyed viewing the 'artefacts' of ancient China but if the exhibition aims to show the transition in our perspectives towards sex, it totally flopped.
First, the place was so brightly lit that I thought I would go blind. I wonder if they were afraid that the females will get their breasts or butts groped with bad lighting. White was the main colour on display. Purity? Guffaws. The artefacts were limited and the hall was way too spacious. As a result, stalls like condom shop (that we can see on the street) and some bra booths were there. Bra and sex? I don't really see the link. Oh, there were schools introducing classess on dirty dancing and pole-dancing. That pleased the old ah peks so much that they all crowded around the mini-stage and drool. I felt like I was in Thailand on a tour group. The bright lights gave the pole dancers little credit. Seriously, anyone can dance better than
that.
There were many people on mobile convincing us that we should visit their booths and there was only one that I gave chance to listen to what she had to say. So Carina and I were standing there and this bespectacled midget man with miserable balding head took his larger-than-TV camera and snapped a photo of us. Damn reporter, damn photographer. No sense of ethics, know nothing about journalism. The flash was like a rude shock. For a moment, I thought the brain cancer cells that I have always suspected finally showed some side effect. I didn't want to die in Sexpo, that would be so 'without glory'. That was when the Carina shouted at the midget. I glared at him and that man turned to look at us, almost shrugged and walked away as if we were merely cars honking at him for cutting lanes. We were so pissed off and further pissed when our operation to hunt for the midget-bald-insolent man failed.
Wee told me that there were reporters from Japan. They came all the way and what I saw there was their scoop, what they paid to get all the way from Japan. Poor Japanese, we all know that you have an embeded sex culture that is richer. There is little hope for Sinagpore to become a more 'open' country. What you see is what you get.
It was quite an experience and I have to thank Wee for giving us the tickets. It had been such a long time since I last saw her in... April. Wow... It was good meeting up, but the mouth dirrahoea could have been better if the setting was at some other places instead of Sexpo. still, it was great meeting up. Fret not of course, we still have Harry Potter date. More updates on the artefacts when the photos come. Those were the only thing that were worthed watching... and laughing. Meanwhile, wait.
Jacqueline
7:52 PM
People are always wearing masks to hide who they are. I am not talking about those that do it on purpose. Heck their hidden agenda. I am more interested in those who hide themselves unconsciously, through the way they dress, the way they behave and the way they speak. Of course I am not trying to criticise because I am beginning to find myself to be one of...ahem.. them. For instance, people tend to group themselves into 'style'. More often than not, you will hear many trying desperately to differentiate themselves from others by commenting:” Gee, thanks, but that is not my style!" Some said that off-handedly like they are really special or something. the bottom-line is, if you are really that special, you probably wouldn't be grouped into any 'styles'. If you were that special, why explain yourself.
Of course, I am not angry at people who think they are high up the pedestal. I totally understand how it is like to have a huge ego. I have an enormous one. But I hate it when people use condescending tone on things that they do not agree with. I hate it when I totally enjoy wasabi and the other party wrinkle his nose and distort his features into an unrecognizable pulp, commenting on how smelly it is, how the colour looks like lau sai. I hate it when people give me the "Oh my god you are a cannibal! *Widens the eyes until the iris threaten to fall out* whenever I eat sashimi. I hate the condescending “Huh, do you even know what you are talking about?” Wait a minute, my mouth or yours? Would I not know what I am saying? I hate to be put down.
Oh yes, cos of my ego doesn’t allow that to happen. I always believe that friends don’t speak to each other in condescending tone. But well.. Anyway, I am feeling real good. I woke up at 6+ this morning. Insane to many, I know. But I whipped up my can-die-for seafood mushroom pizza for Ken’s breakfast. I am feeling really proud now. If I am unhappy in the future working for lousy boss, I would open a café. Nana can be my nutritionist, Florence can bring her class of students for children’s day party, Yilin can observe the social trend and bring her footballers (kids) for meals and Wee Leng can be my model. Probably I will resort to those gimmicks: Wanna be like her? Eat at Jac’s place!
Oh, mum is here to burst my bubbles again. I need to make more pizzas. They are really therapeutic. I mentioned in my previous post that shopping is bad past time. Cooking is not that great too. The calories…I am going to walk long distance again. Where to this time round? Hmmm.. ok. I am not going to scare people away. Have a great weekend. Going to
Sexpo tomorrow! Yipee!!
Jacqueline
9:29 AM
Memories
I opened up the boxes and the smell of memory wafted into my nostrils. Smell when I was in college, when I was in secondary school, when I was teaching... They were all marked with different brands and scents of shower foam used then. For those really puzzled, I kept many boxes and I place anything that is significant to me inside them. I call them My Memory Boxes. It all started when I realised that age is catching up and I am beginning to lose the capacity up there for memories. I don’t want to let them go. Knowing how forgetful I am, I kept journals after journals, boxes after boxes. Yah, laugh at me for being senile, but I need to do something to capture them.
Every once in a blue moon when I tidy my room up, I would open the boxes and recollect the days in the past. (That explains why I always take twice the time to finish my tidying, something mum absolutely abhors.) I am beginning to think that my memory is getting distorted. I saw this fan-like thing that I had from college. We were told to fold a blank piece of paper into a fan-like thing, write our names on the side of the fan and pass it around. Everyone would then write what he or she felt about you on a separate side such that no one can see what others wrote. I read it over and over again and thought to myself how popular I was then. Nevertheless, I thought that wasn't the case and the thought kept pushing its way from the back of my head and turned into images in front of my eyes. I thought of how pi1 tou2 laughed at me with snide remarks, how I stupidly laughed back when I know I was taken advantage of. I wondered where my strength went to then. The memories were getting distorted and I could well imagine myself smiling at these memories fondly ten years down the road when I should be sneering at the situations then. So, where does that leave me. I wish I wouldn't distort the holistic truth by remembering events I wished they would turn out to be. That would be utterly gross.
I saw the fan that Mr Blah gave me when I was teaching few years back. Eww.. bleah.. There is no guy in the world that dinguses me as much as he did. Seriously, I felt like puking. The question is, why then is that fan and the note doing in my precious precious memory box, taking up a space in which more memorable items could use? Very good question. I have no idea too. Maybe I have, but it is a huge blow to my ego having to admit that I don't want anyone to know in future when I recollect my past that I have always been a zero. It could be because of that; it could also be because of me. I did enjoy the friendship before anything happened. So, it is something worth remembering anyway. So far, my memory has been real unpleasant. Can't help it, I have this tendency to seek solace from things that bring me a rush of sadness.
I traced the side of the membership card of a deceased. I am no thief; it just happened that the card came in a plastic bag together with my 15th birthday gift my juniors presented me. A further dig into the memory box shows a scrap note with many contact numbers an the words Jing Ying Bu Dui scrawled in han yu pin yin. Wonderful memories, sweet recollections. But the tinge of sadness still overcomes me. There are so many things left unexplained in my life that I switched routinely among them to seek for answers and make my life more melancholic.
I closed my memory box and moved on to the three huge parcels of greeting cards I colleted over the past few years. That was when Kenneth strolled into my room and exclaimed: “Wow.. aren’t you popular?” I had the urge to reply him with: “Those dead are dead and those alive don’t bother to keep in contact anymore.” But I seriously did not want to scare him by sounding as if I was possessed by a 88-year-old nanny. I just advised him to make more friends. Speaking of lousy advice… There were at least 200 cards in total. I read some of the cards that I have forgotten and saw her card. Another one. Why must life be so full of shit? Suddenly, I felt sick. Sick physically, yes, sick mentally. A bout of coughs and sneeze drowned me in echoes. That triggered my mum’s insistent nagging. Her voice soon became background noise as I silently match drumbeats to her naggings. Evil me.
As usual, I closed my door and went out to have my dinner, leaving all the tidying to tomorrow. I have too much time on hand. Too much. Even tidying up makes me wonder about my life and its purposes. What should I do apart from shopping to stop all these brain activities?
Jacqueline
11:36 AM
The last obstacle to emancipation was finally removed yesterday.
Speaking of which, the presentation still sends shivers down my spine. Margaret was shooting questions to the other groups, stopping them and giving them a tongue lashing on their presentation. Before the group and the listeners knew what went wrong, she started to praise them. Rena and me froze in our seats, competing with each other to see whose palm managed to turn into ice first.
We got even more frantic when Margaret commented on all group's attire except ours. Then our turn came. We were the last group to present. Wearing the high heels and mentally making a note to say "Safety is extremely important in manufacturing company!" if I were to fall down, I wobbled my way down the steps. It was interesting how smooth the thing went. Maybe not so because we were fighting with time constraint. But we received good feedback from the audience and half way through, the listeners were showing thumbs-up. We pulled our 'black-out' stunt and having breathed in the vapours from Cecilia's place near siao lang geng, we managed to win a hearty laughter and shock the audience. Those smart people even thought of using a screen with a black layout.
I guess that is Team Dynamics. It was extremely hard for us to agree on certain ideas because all of us have a point. The process was fruitful, but unbelievably slow. When the process sped up, we didn't use much of our brain juice. Either that or we didn't have any brain juice left. Sleep and eat were the necessary ingredients to produce brain juice (for them) and we didn't get that. Even then, I have to counter the sickness monster to focus on what I was doing. I still think we were better in rehearsals. Still, we managed to pull through. It is over and whatever the grade is probably doesn't matter. We tried our best anyway.
We took photos, plenty of them!
Heard of anything called the full-dressed rehersal?
After presentation
Out of LT, off to freedom!
And you thought we were three amicable HR personnels...
Think again... There was a wolf in sheep's clothing...
Rena Wang aka Chou Puo Niang
Wanted for unspeakable crime.
Reward: $500000000000
After that, we went down town and had Pepper Lunch. Yes, you read right. With my sore throat, flu and terrible cough and I had Pepper Lunch. I didn't want to dampen the spirit and well, what did they say about using a poison to counter another? When we sat down, everyone was so hungry that we started to dig and flip and turn our food like there is no tomorrow. I think nobody even bother to start a conversation without saying "Pass me the Honey Brown sauce", "Pepper please!" or "I am so hungry". In the midst of quietness and occasional slurping, I felt extremely lucky to have known the right group of people. What am I to do when they have all graduated and I am left alone? Will I fit into the other groups and experience the team dynamics that is so strong over here?
Affinity is a strange thing. You don't chase for it, it comes looking for you if the time is appropriate. There is nothing for you to make out of it and it is the only one thing that I happily acknowledged I have no control over. Let's leave this to some other day because this is going to be a long entry. So, we went to Pepper Lunch and when everyone finished their food, then we remembered the camera. So I start snapping away...
I was complaining about Cecilia's eyes...
and that was when she did it for me... lol
Guess who took the photo?
After lunch, we went cineleisure to catch Just Like Heaven. The plot was predictable like knowing that, that was the guy that she was to meet for the date before accident, that JJ knew Abby and frenched her on her wedding eve, and that Lizzy would forget him when she woke up... But it was such a nice movie. As compared to my latest movie, the tasteless 40 Year Old Virgin, the earlier is so much nicer. Who can resist that beautiful garden and the sudden outburst of declaration they had for each other. Sue me, I love movies with love, fear, anger, jealousy, sadness, phenomenal and unexplainable happenings. The show is made up of witty jokes and smart quotes. It is not a 'wow' movie with a fantastic plot, but it is nice. Like someone with ordinary look, it is only when you zoom into the features separately then you realise how beautiful she is.
Anyway, after the movie, we went Swensen. I gave the ice cream a miss because by then, I was both broke and choked. Because I was too free, I started to take photos, again. Jealousy overwhelmed me and Rena and I took a video of the greedy people. I have decided to name it: The Journey to The West: Meet Jealous and Sick demon and her 3 8 Sister. The photos were.. well..
The Quest
Xuanzang and the three disciples
They totally ignored me!
There are more photos of which I am too lazy to post. It was a fun day, especially you know you have put in a lot of hard work and deserve to enjoy. Good job, Girls.
Jacqueline
8:17 AM
It is amazing how fast things change. Among these changes, I feel no trancedence.
(It is funny how I hear people groaning in agony the moment they read the first line. Damn, Jacq is at it again! lol). How does a person detach his or her feelings from multiple feelings that are felt in just a split second?
(Oh man, Jacq is asking rhetorical questions again.)All right, I shall drop it, just for today.
Flora came and Flora went. The past few days made me feel delighted, yet they made me feel depressed as well. Once again, I found myself nodding to the depression calling in the advertisement. (Why do I feel like laughing again? I feel a little out of balance, as if my joy comes from feeling upset. Or maybe deep inside, I am a really optimistic person because I am able to find amusement in depressing thoughts. My right-hand is so going to slap me for having such perverse thoughts. ) Shucks, I was talking about Flora, what’s wrong with me?
The thing about friendship, much as my right-hand would beg to differ, is that no matter how long you don’t meet up, the feelings will still grow. It is like life, you have no control over it. That includes changes too. I love things to go by the natural way, much as people love naming me
Jacq the nonchalant. I have feelings, things matter to me. I know what is called ‘left-out’ and how it feels to be sponged. But I choose the other way out, I ignore them. Paying attention to such details is detrimental to my psychological health. I have probably been through more things to understand how it feels to do nothing but stuff my brain with such crap, like how people stuff turkey. (Turkey tastes wonderful! Christmas!!! Lalala)
That aside, I never knew much about friendship. I know sisterhood. The feeling of not meeting, the feeling of walking around a shopping mall a zillion times and insisting that some places have not been gone into goes to show how we hate to part. Shakespeare once said that 'Parting is such sweet sorrow', and I totally agree. Parting is sweet because of the thought that we would meet again, yet the sorrow because we hate to part.
I saw the tears in your eyes. They have transcended, I am still here.
Jacqueline
9:13 AM
I had a great time out with Carina on the last day of exams. We spent almost 5 hours in Wisma and Taka alone. I can afford all the time in the world.. but it is the duit that I need to be really careful with after losing my wallet and overspending. Nevertheless, it was still fun. i bet I tried on more than 20 pieces of clothing without buying. well, at least those clothes belonged to me for that short 5 minutes. There you go:
Snapple Heroines
The aftermath of... EXAMS of course, what else? It is going to be party time before DPP ends, before I start chasing after duit. Fun, don't run away!
Jacqueline
9:42 AM
Exams are officially over and the happenings these few days were.. well..
amusing. In a way, because I lost my precious wallet yesterday almost immediately after I exclaimed out loud in the car to myself: "What a meaningful life, what a beautiful day!"
I tried to be less cynical, well, what can I make out of it? Then I messaged Florence and told her that I have lost the wallet she gave me and she started to curse whoever who got my wallet. It sounded something like that:"Oh no! Whoever who did that will get diarrhoea (She spelled it as dirrheao,lol) and that the non-stop shittin' will make the person weak in the knees hahahehehoho".
Interestingly, the curse worked the wrong way (probably because she spelled diarrhoea the wrong way) and I had diarrhoea and stomach cramps until I went really weak in my knees. I thought that was pretty amusing even though I was at the receiving end. Dear friends, I know you love me and I love you people too. Go easy on the cursing bit, I happened to have a real weak stomach and head. Next time, learn your spelling or curse some other places alright? Nah, I was joking. Just curse all you wish.
I want my wallet back. There
are were so many things inside, so many memories...
*took a deep breath*
Let me have a second try at optimism.
Since my wallet is missing, it is signalling for me to get a new one. That could only mean one thing... SHOPPING! And since I have lost the namecards inside, that means getting in touch with my friends! And all these need money, that means...
I.. GOT...
To...
work..I give up. I shall reamain my nonchalent, that works better for me. maybe not exactly nonchalent, but you need to see beyond the surface. It is tiring but hey, we need to make life a little more spicy, a little less boring and a little more mysterious. Mysterious and Boring, they are enemies. Flora is coming back today! I am not going home today. Jing tian bu hui jia...
Jacqueline
8:55 AM
