I have grown to love secrecy. It seems to be the one thing that can make modern life mysterious or marvellous to us. Don't think of it in the 'Maskhenfreheit' way or in the way that people do to protect themselves. Secrecy spices things up. Sometimes, things just have to be left alone, untouched, undiscovered. Just sometimes, I don't bother to explain after letting it out. If it is over, it is.
Anyway, I am going to swim with dad the second time this week tomorrow. I am getting workouts and I really feel great. Butterfly stroke it shall be tomorrow! It had been so long. Just 15 years ago I was doing the same thing in the same pool and 15 years later I am still there. It makes me wonder if things will be the same for me 10 years later. I hate stagnance yet I love to live in memory. No, not contradicting at all. Stagnance, to me, is more to a blocking stone than peace. Yes I love peace, I love memories and the overwhelming peace in me, in knowing how I overcome this certain dark period of my life.
Speaking of dark period, recently, there are times I feel my trapped feelings threatening to emerge. My inferiority complex, my egoistic self-confidence, my doubts... This is contradictory.
I am a complex person anyway.
Jacqueline
11:11 PM
I mentioned in my earlier post that it is not wrong to pursue your dream. but do people pursue it simply because they want their dreams to get realised? William Hung's behavior was commendable, but if too many carbon copy of Hung arise, the idea is no longer fresh anymore. Take a look at this:
http://media.putfile.com/China-Idiol
Jacqueline
10:07 AM
Is it wrong to pursue your dreams in life? I guess nothing is right or wrong as long as you follow your gut feeling and take responisbility for your choice. I am not the kind of person that always takes advantage of the environment or opportunity to 'fight for
your right'. (I am sensitive to opportunities just in case you think that I am a daft piece of woodblock.) It could be that I am too lazy to do that, but I rather hold on to the belief that we are bounded by what the environment provides. (Yah, I am aware that I am sticking to the Resource Dependence Model)The butterfly effect: Everything you do, it will result in something. I so agree with it. Where there is gain, there would be loss. One effect cancelling the other. Force and reistence force.
I always feel that any of my actions will impose on others (I know, I am giving myself too much credit) and try to be as considerate as possible. That is my gut, and I am still trying to stick with it. Somehow, it makes me wonder on what would happen when I step into the working society in the future. I guess it is a little too far. Still, I can never be like some of my friends and relatives who will forgo anything just so to make their dreams come true. I guess you will never catch me saying things like:"This is what I am going to do and I will not anything stop me at all."
Look at the contestants of Project Superstar. While noticing how much they have slimmed down and how much tears they have shed, have you noticed that the same thing has happened to their family members? There is nothing wrong with pursuing your dreams. In fact, I absolutely envy these people because they can put down all their emotion strings and start up a new bubble and invite everyone around them to live in his bubble. When the bubble burst, everyone falls and gets hurt. Most importantly, bubbles don't last. Care for people around you today. We live to trancend, don't only think of yourself and take others for granted. Life wouldn't be complete if you are the champion in a competition where no one watches.
Jacqueline
8:00 AM
The Miracle of Roses!
Octavio Ocampo - Mexican Painter
Octavio Ocampo's paintings always hide several images at the same time which, as in "El milagro de las rosas", can be seen depending on the distance at which the painting is viewed. Click on the painting to view hidden images.
Is this landscape or protrait? 
Is this the face of a Liar?Bfore you scold me, give me some credit. I am busy. Enjoy.
Jacqueline
11:38 PM
It has been officially announced that the Australia trip is cancelled. For a moment, it felt that all hope is lost. I have alwyas thought that the course has a plus poimt that friends in other uni will not experience. I made it as one of the redeeming point that spur me on. Well, even though I have already gotten past that self-depreciation stage, I can't help feeling a tinge of regret. Regret without guilt, more to yi1 han4 that kind of regret.
Thinking back on what happened to me two years ago still hurts. But I am glad that I have people encouraging me all these while, special people that really touched my life. There are times that I feel emancipated from all worries and fears just at the mere thought of the amazing people around me. There are also times whereby I feel that if my life were to end all of a sudden, I would die of no regret.
That is a silly thought. I always thought of death as something nice. The feeling of completing your journey of life earlier and faster is almost like jumping a few standards and graduate when you should be in Primary school. I betterstop before I get accused of saying things that are half here or there. (Even though stoppng halfway is really saying things neither here nor there. I am just lazy can? i want to sleep) I am never normal la. Rest assured, I don't need a shrink. (Don't tell me people who say they don't need usually needs one!)
I am so tired and the folowing week is going to be nasty on me. Help, help...
Jacqueline
11:21 PM
Colours
Colours, which is your favourite one? Colours go with the season. There was this period of time whereby orange was an 'in' colour. Then, under the influence of Taiwanese act-cute-I-am-so weak girls, pink became an 'in' colour too. But before that, gold was in vogue and if I remembered correctly, red was hot then too. Recently, green came into the picture after the elegant purple and before purple, brown was popular too. I predict grey to be the next colour that people will get crazy over. The bottom line is, after a while, you will be wondering why you bought that ugly colour and forgot that it was fashionable then.
I used to really like yellow when I was young. Everything just has to be yellow. Maybe I was way too optimistic. In my opinion, yellow is a colour that portrays the confidence of a person. I really loved yellow then. Could it be because of Macdonalds? Probably not, cos I hate Ronald as a child. (Its not hate, but I just want to use hate to cover up the fact that I was actually afraid of Ronald that clown)
I used to dislike red colour too. Red reminds me of New Year and I hate Chinese New Year, the time whereby everyone pretends to be really happy to see each other when their hearts feel otherwise. And those noisy lion dance. Here it goes, another secret, I am actually afraid of them too. It's not the ususal kind that I am afraid of, I am actually afraid of those green colour, monster-looking lions. If you are afraid of those, you will know what I am talking about.
I no longer like yellow now. I remembered how my brother used to tease me:"Yellow yellow, dirty fellow" when I was young and I firmly stood by my favourite colour. As I grew up, yellow no longer appeal to me. I began to see the different shades of yellow. Yellow teeth, yellow nails, pus, drain water... I got real cynical. I seek solace in melacholic colours like purple and gold. Then it came to a point in my life whereby simplicity became the first priority. It remains that way these few years. I fell in love with white. I painted my room white and lost 4 kg in two days. (By the way, painting is a marvellous way to lose weight)White tulips, white roses, white coloured sky, white birds... I don't like white lily though. Don't ask me why, I don't like big flowers. Aiyah, I am just not the elegant type.
Life is just the way I want it to be. White, simple. I won't use the word 'pure' cos I know I am not. Not even when I was a kid. But I will continue strive to be as 'pure' (subjected to my own definition, nothing to do with becoming a christian to be pure or atone my sin. Thank you.)and balance my life. I want to get things under control again. I want to see white coloured light, not orange or pink. white, shine on me.
Jacqueline
10:48 PM
Bev Doolittle
How Many faces are in this painting?
Results:
If you find 10, you have an ordinary power of observation.
Find 15, you have above average power of observation.
Find 20, you are very observant. Congratulate yourself.
Find 21 and more, you are extremely observant. Very intuitive and creative.
You can rival the observant power of Sherlock Holmes.
Jacqueline
8:42 AM
My life is extremely off balanced. Every aspects of it. And because of that, I am deeply troubled. The future suddenly seems so bleak for me. I was reading what was required to be in a resume and found myself extremely depressed. I could have more than I know of but when I saw that achievements such as getting an award in cross country run in the resume and being the class chairman in secondary school, my heart just dropped to the ground.
Are such achievements really what Singapore firms are looking for? If it is, the future in Singapore is going to be real bleak. Everthing is about putting qualifications in black and white, what about our personal traits and attributes? Is it because we have nothing to put and therefore we have to put all these insignificant 'achievements' inside? In my opinion, these 'achievements' that we think and consider them as achievements will only make your resume look worse off if it gets compared to some others. I guess I will push that to the education system in Singapore. Everything and anything that is wrong with Singapore, it is them. they produce robots. I am one of the product.
What do you need to know about running? So that you can really run when you see your creditors? DOH. I mean I can put down the whole of badges and certs taht I attained in SJAB. But, footdrill instructor, why do they care? Running the HR of the company in Military stlye like how it is in one of the organization in China whereby workers have to march in their tight-skirts? Campcraft? So that we can male loops using nylon strings during lunchbreak? I rather use that to hang my future boss. -roll eyeballs- I am seriously pissed with all these crap.
I rushed all the way to school for lesson to find that there is NO classes held today. Look at how messy my life is. The assignments are undone, untouched, my grooming plans are not working with my toenails half-polished and my hair in one big clump of birdnest ($40
yi liang. Anyone?. I actually stepped out of my house in that condition.
Somebody, anybody, stab me, shake me. I have to get out of this daze. I need to get a grip. Lend me a hand pls. oh.. better not, just in case I misplace it.
PS: Daddy, I love you for promising to get me a job in Mauritius and sending me to school today. I love you daddy.
Jacqueline
9:56 AM
Shangri-la time, no more peaches and lime
I feel rejuvenated. It was so simple, yet so grand. Two consecutive days of movies with people that share the same sentiments with me most of the time, one crazy party that made me laughed so hard that my lungs could have flown out of my mouth and a quiet peaceful day having tea in Shangri la with the important people in my life made, these made all maudlin and mellow affairs I have experienced this week vapourised.
It isn't the number of time you see a person physically, rather the effort you make in keeping in touch with the person's soul that matters. It had been a long time since I have faced such polarity of emotions. The coming week is going to be hellish. But I am not going to think about it. At least not today. Today, yesterday and the day before, I have been playing with the angels.
Please don't pull me down from heaven even if you see my leg hanging from the clouds. Why do I feel some kind of air sucking me down? (looks down and saw the smoke forming the letters: OSD, DPP, SO)
Jacqueline
10:26 PM
My Unlucky Day
Memories flew back to two years ago when I was teaching in a neighbourhood Secondary school whil waiting for my A-level results. It wasn't a great school and the management was too unmentionable. I vaguely recalled asking the students to write me an essay, An Unlucky Day. I merely wanted to find out the differences between the essays of Primary Six students and students in Secondary Three, but I found out more.
This is it: An unlucky day
ALWAYS starts with the person being late. I couldn't understand and I got a shock at their lack of originality. Primary 6 or Secondary Three, it always starts with the day being late. At first I thought it was funny, then it started to get irritating. Duplications of descriptions on how they stepped on banana skins and fell down, helped the blind to cross the road or even ran after the buses with which unsympathetic drivers speeding away were seen. This bugged me for a full 3 years because I just cannot understand why an unlucky day often starts with a person being late. I refuse to believe, refuse to agree......until...
My Unlucky Day
Author: JacquelineIt was a beautiful morning. I couldn't really see it because my eyes were close, but still, I felt the coolness of the room and heard the soft pattering of the rain droplets on my window. I tossed and mentally wished to sink inside my mattress when I suddenly remembered that I had ER lesson. "Darn, within 12 hours and I have to be back in the school for a morning lesson!" I thought to myself. After 30 crutches and some yoga stretch, I went to the bathroom and prepared myself for school.
Everything was fine despite being hauled out of the bed early in the morning. The heater was working, my clothes were ironed, my bag was packed, my room was neat. I went to the keybox to take my key and I couldn't find one freaking key. I was locked at home. I tried to call Auntie Irene because my dearest mum doesn't have a communication gadget on her and I couldn't get through. I searched high and low, virtually everywhere, be it under the bed, in all my bags (I have a dozen of them), Ken's room and even the fridge, still I could not find one. I knew I was late for lesson and plunged into the sofa, totally exhausted from running around the house searching miserably for one freaking key. My clothes were no longer crisp and neat, my room was in one huge mess.
As I was catching my breath, I heard two voices whispering in my ear. The one on the left said:"Aww, it is not really your fault that the fucking key was lost. The weather is good, stay at home. You are late anyway". The other one on my right said:"You are going to miss tonight's lesson because of Jasline's birthday, you want to miss the morning lesson too? You should have better sense to not waste a good $200 of your parents money". Left, right, left, right, left, right.... AHHHH, Where is the fucking key? I am going to the fucking school. The result of the angel and devil. Which is which, I have no idea at all.
Just then, mum came home. I rushed out of the house although I have the strong urge to complain and whine to her about the keys. I ran to the bus-stop and waited. After a long wait, the bus came. I dug into my bag and felt for my cardholder. Dig dig dig dig dig dig dig. Nothing. "It's ok, this always happen to me. I will find it eventually", I told myself. When the bus left, I still couldn't find it. I ran back home and found that freaking cardholder. I was so pissed that I wanted to explode. Then the voices rang in my head again. "Hurry, there is no time left. You are late and you have to catch up". "What is the point of going to classes. You are late. everyone will turn and look at you as if you were an alien when you open the LT door".
I strolled to the bus-stop, strolled to the school. I almost step on a banana skin and laughed to myself bitterly. I can't imagine banana skins really exit in an 'unlucky day'. I felt like I have met the different 'characters' of what was suppossed to be an unlucky day. If I wasn't so pissed, I would have laughed out loud. I went to the computer lab and started this essay. Halfway through blogging, the computer shut down. It just went off like that. I took in a deep breath and told myself," It is alright, this is one of the character in an unlucky day". And I began typing what an unlucky day is supposed to be as memories flew back to two years ago when I was teaching in a sec....................
Jacqueline
8:41 PM
The Atheist and the Bear!
The Atheist and the Bear!An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing.
He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The river ran again.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful...AMEN!"
Author Unknown
Jacqueline
11:32 AM
Weny: Haha, I agree with you. Even newspaper have pictures. I will find my infrared
port asap. What kind of pics do you wanna see? Quiz. lol.
bsea: My elder brother tried to do that to me too. We were wrestling fans. Big fans.
Seriously, if it is Brett Hart slamming me I wouldn't mind.
yUnz: You are scaring me. Head in sterling wheel is extremely creative. Lol.
Princess_Flora: I miss you too, princess.
Princess_Flora: Housework? Oh, wipe the table or flush the toilet after you are done?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Any guy, just anyone of you who happens to stumble upon here, answer my question:
Would you ever marry a woman that is divorce and bring up her kids with her? I will tell you people why when I get enough feedback. My lecturer asked us this question and the answers, though expected, stumped me. For those who have already heard it, bear with me. (Knowing that bsea is the probably the only male reader, I will rephrase my question for the female readers:
Will you ever marry a man and help to raise the children from his previous marriage?Let me do a cross relationship and see the difference between man and woman.
Jacqueline
11:00 AM
Self-Consciousness John Updike. Apart from my lit pals that did this book in college, who else read it before? I thought this book reflects what I felt during then, and probably now. I have grown so much. (So tempted to say in size but I know people will get really fed-up with me. lol)
I thought I know a lot about myself, but when I am trying to describe what I am like to others, I feel extremely tired. Tired because while trying to explain what I am like, I have to explain the 'Why' factor too. I can't help it, it is hard for people to understand why I turn out that way. (Disclaimer: I am not insulting myself
)
I am remember how mean spirited I was when I was a kid. I wouldn't give the excuse that i was ignorant as a kid because I wasn't very ignorant. When I make a person cry, I think I know what I was doing. This is the biggest sin of all things in the world. Like that Dumbo Took
that murdered Huang Na, he actually knew what he was doing. That aside, I remembered that Dad and Mum used to bring my elder brother and I to places like Yaohan, OG and Sogo every weekend.
There was once OG had a promotion and with every single receipt, we get to spin the wheel whereby whichever picture the arrow pointed at, we would bring that home. Me being me, I insisted on spinning despite knowing that my brother wanted to play too. I was so selfish. I could remember that we had 3 receipts and I spun twice. It could have been thrice but my mother stopped me with her stern look and I let my brother spin while I sulk. Yucks, I was such a brat then. Anyway, the two times that I spun, the arrow pointed at a blank picture. Two tries wasted. My elder brother got a packet of Milo then. (Packet Milo was 'in' then) I wasn't happy and I took it and drink. Ewwww, I suck. The lady must have been so disgusted by me that he gave my brother another packet for free.
I hope nobody remembers that. Let me ask mum if she remembers. Hahaha.. that is like a slap in my face. Heck. Haha.. Mummmmmyyyyy...
Jacqueline
3:58 PM
Kids of today are so different from the kids of yesteryears. They are way too protected. Don't get me wrong, I love kids and I don't blame them for being different since the environment and times are different. Kids these days don't get satisfied easily. I remember how I got excited at simple things like a folded paper star (because I kept insisting that there is a sweet wrapped inside), a sweet and anything new. ( even if it means I will chuck them aside when the feeling dies)
But I was giving my cousin a sweet that day and all he actually said wasthat it doesn't have a brand! It is all about branding and 'face' with kids today. I gave my brother a sweet too and he could tell me how good the sweet taste despite being bought from Mama shop. Whats up with the brand? I myself am still pretty facinated with the ji dan (egg) sweet that Mama shop sells. I don't know what the sweet is called but it looks like a dinosaur egg and it comes in all sort of colours. I guess it only goes to prove further on how commercialised our country is. I hear my students complaining about the roller shoes and the yoyo that their parents bought for them are not authenic. I witnessed how a boy threw his new pair of shoes away because it is not a Nike. I feel sad or the parents and I will make sure that nobody ever does that in front of me and get away with it, stranger or not.
Memories kept flooding back since my last converstaion with a friend about her 'imaginary friend' and my imaginary heritage. I think because I was a precaurious kid, that is why my memory of childhood came in that strong. Afterall, I knew what I was doing. I used to think that if I were given a chance to be a kid again, I would jump at it. Thinking back, I have decided not to. growing up is tough and growing up in today's context is even harder. Growing old is easier. you can grow old by doing nothing. Grow old. (better if no sagging occurs)
Jacqueline
5:44 PM
Remember the ghostly picture that I took with the fireworks I mentioned in the previous post? Here is it, delievered as promised.
Can you spot it?
Jacqueline
9:16 PM
The Miracle of Roses! 
Is this landscape or protrait? 
Is this the face of a Liar?