Trapped and lost
I think it's depression. Somehow it sounds funny. (Inside joke)With or without depression (who cares?), I still feel upset. It has been a long time since I last felt so trapped. The tension is there. I hear the deafening peace here. It is peace, but it is deafening.
I remembered how I was always the 'seng2 mok3' one among all my cousins apart from the weird one of course. I didn't want to be singled out because I would be slapped with expectations of adults in terms of my behavior and actions. There was hardly a choice. I was trained to be that way. You cannot smile when you feel happy because others don't feel that way. You are not suppose to enjoy, watch TV or play with toys when you hear the signal or feel the forboding. You happiness must be decided by the people around you. I seriously wonder why I didn't spend my weekends in Teabag parties like how Celia does. The danger of me going wayward is so high.
Thinking back, I was only a freaking five year old kid and I stopped playing my toys and pack them into my room and stare into space when I hear that deafening tension. I don't know how such thoughts still haunt me even after 16 years of constant drilling. The tension is so palpable that I feel like I am dying out bit by bit. There are so many worries for the very near future. I need to be proactive and plan.
Where do I even start?
Jacqueline
1:36 PM
