I feel so drained. I am brave, but I guess there is a limit to everything. I waited outside the operating theatre for about four five hours. Dad was teh last person being operated on. I was overwhelmed with an indescribable feeling as I witnessed the number of people outside waiting ti be operated on. Bed after bed, wheelchair after wheelchair. The dark brown colour added on to the tension despite quiet mumblings by the relatives of the patients. I seriously wonder how the surgeons are able to detach themselves from all emotions because as a passer-by, my heart wrenched for the suffering patients.
If I say I wasn't intimidated by the surrounding, I am lying. Dad was the last one to be operated on. As patients were pushed out of the operating theatre, some were pale with weakness, some were alert and some were resting. I imagined Dad to be either the second or the third kind. I was wrong. When they pushed Dad out, he was frowning with pain. he couldn't speak because it hurt so much. There were so many tubes attached to his nose, both wrists, body. I hanged on. i really did. Mum was there and I know I have to appear strong to give her strength. The nurse transferred Dad onto the bed. The nurses at GH are very well-trained. Dad had a device attached to his wrist such that whenever he is in pain, he would press the button and it would release Morphine into his body. Everytime the device beep, I nearly jumped out of my skin.
Dad rested for a while, and tried to speak but Mum couldn't make out what he said. I could, thank god. Dad asked for pen and paper and began to write. The first thing he wrote was:" Don't go home first." I was even more unnerved because that mean't that he didn't feel good and was frightened. That is not Dad's style. He said that he felt dizzy and couldn't see us properly. He asked for specs and stared at me for very long, smiled and press for the release of Morphine again. I told Mum to sleep so that I can stay by his bedside. He woke up again. this time, he wrote:" I love you all, go home and rest. Take cab, don't take bus. Go locker, get money". We stayed for a little while and went back in the wee hours.
I am supposed to go for my younger brother's Meet-the-Parents session. Blimey. But I was thinking of visiting Dad for a short while before I go to his school. The phone rang and for a momment, sh gong's face flashed across my mind. I told myself it couldn't be him cos he is in overseas. I answered and it was ah gong. All of a sudden, I felt an urge to cry. I held on of course. He looked for mummy and I guessed he heard about it. He acted surprise and asked for the hospital address. I gave him because I know he is stronger than ah ma and he can take it. That is the longest conversation I have ever had with ah gong. He asked me if I have eaten and all. I seriously have no idea on what to think about.
I have to take care of their needs, mum is tired. I got to hang in there. Much as I hate to say, 6/6 is here soon. I think i probably will falter. If I fail, Dad will nedd to pay even more and I would be a huge burden. I don't want. I don't want to be a burden to anyone.
Jacqueline
11:33 AM
