Trapped and lost
I think it's depression. Somehow it sounds funny. (Inside joke)With or without depression (who cares?), I still feel upset. It has been a long time since I last felt so trapped. The tension is there. I hear the deafening peace here. It is peace, but it is deafening.
I remembered how I was always the 'seng2 mok3' one among all my cousins apart from the weird one of course. I didn't want to be singled out because I would be slapped with expectations of adults in terms of my behavior and actions. There was hardly a choice. I was trained to be that way. You cannot smile when you feel happy because others don't feel that way. You are not suppose to enjoy, watch TV or play with toys when you hear the signal or feel the forboding. You happiness must be decided by the people around you. I seriously wonder why I didn't spend my weekends in Teabag parties like how Celia does. The danger of me going wayward is so high.
Thinking back, I was only a freaking five year old kid and I stopped playing my toys and pack them into my room and stare into space when I hear that deafening tension. I don't know how such thoughts still haunt me even after 16 years of constant drilling. The tension is so palpable that I feel like I am dying out bit by bit. There are so many worries for the very near future. I need to be proactive and plan.
Where do I even start?
Jacqueline
1:36 PM
Disppointed
I have so many things to say but I don't really know where to start. I cannot catch my breath anymore and the blue monster is gaining speed. I am feeling blue. Maybe it's my disapointment. I have waited so long for this moment and it has to be spoilt just like that. Why did the flame get snuffed again?
Well, perhaps, that may be a good thing. (Duh, I am trying to console myself again.)I seriously can't see the good point. The only advantage is, I start school later and that means I can work for Alvina quite a bit before school starts. In terms of long term, I seriously have no idea. Think of project groups and I already know which group I might most probably be in. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? *shivers* Ahhhh.. I don't wish to broach on that subject. For the least, not now.
Two weeks of car survey before school start, I got to earn as much as possible so that the next semester would be a breeze. A new semester, not exactly with happy start or process, but hopefully a happy ending. I want to be no burden.
Jacqueline
8:39 AM
The Power Of Prayers
I am not a staunch beliver of any religion. Perhaps I am way too subjective and every religion that does not promote evil has certain element of truth in them. There really is no point in finding the truth, on how the world works, who is the
true god and who we shoulf pray too. I see religion as a way of bonding people of all races, not to differentiate one from another.
Nevertheless, I believe in angels like how a five year old kid believes in Santa. (Nowadays, even 5 yr old kids may berate you for believing in Santa) Angels are the messengers of God in appartion. They can or cannot be seen, could be our friends, could be anyone, and still they help us. This reminds me of the artificial Angel and Mortal game we played when we were in college, that there is someone loking after you and caring for you even if you cannot see them. It's a very sweet game, that if if your angel is not a
bochap angel.
My Personal beliefs are more simple. Things are always better off when you are simple and logical. (Suddenly, I feel that I relate to Dadi in Tong Xin yuan. OMG, I am weird) Look at it this way. In an organisation,unless you are lucky, more often than not, there is a great distance between you and the CEO. Who do you look for when you experienced problems? The same applies to God. Ok, these are my beliefs. According to the 'truth', there is no beuracracy, God is everywhere. Well, suits me. The important thing applies to the power of prayers. Prayers do work, or so I think. Try telling me that few years ago and I will probably roll my eyes and nod politely. perhaps the constant debates on the truth tires me out. I am probably giving up the idealistic pursue of holistic truth. So I am keeping things simple, keeping life simple.
What is there to see, I witness. What is there to hear, I understand. What I virtually belive, I hold on to it.
Jacqueline
9:17 AM
...
It is the opening of Initial D tomorrow. I read The Straits Time and finally there are good publications on Jie lun. I can't wait to catch the long awaited movie! I think Shawn Yue is the most good-looking Chinese actor I have ever seen. He is so WOW and I just love his moustache and I think it really suits him a lot. Ahhhhhh.. Shawn Yue.
Catch it tomorrow!
Jay Chou .... Takumi Fujiwara Anne Suzuki .... Natsuki Mogi
Edison Chen .... Ryousuke Takahashi
Anthony Wong Chau-Sang .... Bunta Fujiwara
Shawn Yue .... Takeshi Nakazato Chapman To .... Itsuki Tachibana
Jordan Chan .... Kyouichi Sudou
Kenny Bee .... Yuuichi Tachibana
Oh, by the way, I think Anthony Wong sucks big time.
Anyway, try catching the movie. The eye candy be it the actors or the cars are just as worth the hike in movie tics.
《一路向北》
词:方文山 曲:周杰伦 编曲:蔡科俊
后视镜里的世界 越来越远的道别
你转身向背 侧脸还是很美
我用眼光去追 竟听见你的泪
在车窗外面排徊 是我错失的机会
你站的方位 跟我中间隔着泪
街景一直在后退 你的崩溃在窗外零碎
我一路向北 离开有你的季节
你说你好累 已无法再爱上谁
风在山路吹 过往的画面全都是我不对
细数惭愧 我伤你几回
后视镜里的世界 越来越远的道别
你转身向背 侧脸还是很美
我用眼光去追 竟听见你的泪
在车窗外面排徊 是我错失的机会
你站的方位 跟我中间隔着泪
街景一直在后退 你的崩溃在窗外零碎
我一路向北 离开有你的季节
你说你好累 已无法再爱上谁
风在山路吹 过往的画面全都是我不对
细数惭愧 我伤你几回
我一路向北 离开有你
Jacqueline
10:26 AM
Confused
I an so confused. I can't get out of this dark aura and it is blurring my vision, my hope. Perhaps it reflects what Maddow believes in: I got hungry, Greed made me blind. But I don't expect a lot in life.
Maybe that is what that makes me confused.
I am running out of money and it gets very depressing. I will not 'die' witout money, but the thought that people around would, make me extremely unsettled. i need money by my side to keep them 'alive'. Many people around me are so consumed with being rich that they develop this mentality that money is the panacea for all problems in life. Regardless of my strong disagreement, the people around me never fail to make me acknowledge the power of money and because I feed on other people's happiness and their happiness feeds on money, I have to acknowledge or rather, compromise their belief. That makes me sad. What suppossed to make me happy now makes me sad.
Maybe that is what that makes me confused.
I can't help worrying for Mum as Dad is going for chemo next week. Life has never been easy for Mum since Dad fell ill. On one hand, I am glad that Dad is back and moving on to the next stage of remedy, but on the other, I am fully aware that the worst has yet to come. Despite this knowledge, I have to reassure my family, even though I have many doubts. Above all, Dad is not heeding any advice and is going to work tomorrow. I am caught in a dilema. Where do I go and which choice should I choose over?
Maybe that is what that makes me confused.
I cleared my exams and I bet that is not because of my ability, but because of the change in the course requirement and that it would be a hassle to find a substitute for us to retake OE. Maybe it is not because of my ability. Either way, I have cleared and I should be happy. But Should I be happy that I cleared, but not through my ability? Have I got past the stage?
Maybe that is what that makes me confused.
I think it's me. I think it's me. I think it's me. I think it's me. I think it's me.
Maybe
I am what that makes me confused.
PS: Even my bling-bling got an infection and I have taken it off. I really love making myself upset.
Jacqueline
9:55 AM
Yunz: Hope to get together with you soon. That day was I didn't get to see u. :(
Yuan: Thanks. i will be fine. No worries.
Anirac: *huggles*
Belin: Thanks! So rare for you to leave a tag. miss you, so long never see you!
Bey: *screams* Updates updates!!!
Had been a long long time since I last blogged. things are more settled for this particular section of my life, leaving the other part uncertain. Perhaps, somethings are better off when left in the dark. still, I am glad that I cleared my exams. I have waited a full 6 months to get back the feeling of relief, of sheer joy and consolation. The past six months were not a breeze for me or any of my friends.
That aside, Daddy is back from hospital and recuperating.
I am left with that small dark trouble. What does that make?
Jacqueline
2:35 PM
Don't tell me you have regretted. Don't snuff the flame. The only way to make me feel better is to not do anything. Maybe you wouldn't even bother, which is just as well. Fool again.
I am thoroughly confused. This and that, here and there, there and then. It is probably coming back again, except that this time it cannot find the entry. i am still gaining the upper hand, but when will all this end. How long can I hide? Placing a 'keep out sign' at the entrance will most likely highlight the entrance. What now?
I don't wish to speak, to entertain or to face anyone. I am burnt out and its not just because of one issue. Things just don't come one after another. They prefer to come in a cluster.But that is alright, I kill them in clusters too.
I am unhappy.
Jacqueline
11:36 AM
Daddy's condition has finally stabilized after a series of vomiting. He looks better now, but didn't talk much. The old man diagonally opposite his bed came out from his derilium. He apologised to the doctors and nurses for causing a scene due to the influences of medical drug and claimed that he learnt kung-fu, therefore it must have been pretty painful. Such a gentleman. The uncle opposite Dad's bed has been dischargedand two new patients came in. Hospitals are horrible places, but at least Dad is in a good one and that puts me more at ease.
My results are almost out. I really ahve no time to think and brood about such stuff. Still, at the dark corner of my brain, the attention light repeatedly focuses on the forbidden issue. If I fail MAB again, I am going to puke. I hate numbers and I really don't wish to take them anymore. Numbers give me shivers.
I really must stop thinking. Just Stop... Stop.
Jacqueline
8:01 AM
I feel so drained. I am brave, but I guess there is a limit to everything. I waited outside the operating theatre for about four five hours. Dad was teh last person being operated on. I was overwhelmed with an indescribable feeling as I witnessed the number of people outside waiting ti be operated on. Bed after bed, wheelchair after wheelchair. The dark brown colour added on to the tension despite quiet mumblings by the relatives of the patients. I seriously wonder how the surgeons are able to detach themselves from all emotions because as a passer-by, my heart wrenched for the suffering patients.
If I say I wasn't intimidated by the surrounding, I am lying. Dad was the last one to be operated on. As patients were pushed out of the operating theatre, some were pale with weakness, some were alert and some were resting. I imagined Dad to be either the second or the third kind. I was wrong. When they pushed Dad out, he was frowning with pain. he couldn't speak because it hurt so much. There were so many tubes attached to his nose, both wrists, body. I hanged on. i really did. Mum was there and I know I have to appear strong to give her strength. The nurse transferred Dad onto the bed. The nurses at GH are very well-trained. Dad had a device attached to his wrist such that whenever he is in pain, he would press the button and it would release Morphine into his body. Everytime the device beep, I nearly jumped out of my skin.
Dad rested for a while, and tried to speak but Mum couldn't make out what he said. I could, thank god. Dad asked for pen and paper and began to write. The first thing he wrote was:" Don't go home first." I was even more unnerved because that mean't that he didn't feel good and was frightened. That is not Dad's style. He said that he felt dizzy and couldn't see us properly. He asked for specs and stared at me for very long, smiled and press for the release of Morphine again. I told Mum to sleep so that I can stay by his bedside. He woke up again. this time, he wrote:" I love you all, go home and rest. Take cab, don't take bus. Go locker, get money". We stayed for a little while and went back in the wee hours.
I am supposed to go for my younger brother's Meet-the-Parents session. Blimey. But I was thinking of visiting Dad for a short while before I go to his school. The phone rang and for a momment, sh gong's face flashed across my mind. I told myself it couldn't be him cos he is in overseas. I answered and it was ah gong. All of a sudden, I felt an urge to cry. I held on of course. He looked for mummy and I guessed he heard about it. He acted surprise and asked for the hospital address. I gave him because I know he is stronger than ah ma and he can take it. That is the longest conversation I have ever had with ah gong. He asked me if I have eaten and all. I seriously have no idea on what to think about.
I have to take care of their needs, mum is tired. I got to hang in there. Much as I hate to say, 6/6 is here soon. I think i probably will falter. If I fail, Dad will nedd to pay even more and I would be a huge burden. I don't want. I don't want to be a burden to anyone.
Jacqueline
11:33 AM
