Have you ever felt that you are singled out in life just so to be accused of? I don't know how it is for you but for me, where ever it is, I get accused of things that I have never done. Trust me, the feeling sucks. I did it out of good will. My intention was simple, to make someone special happy but still, I get accused of. Are human really that apprehensive towards others' goodwill or is this what the real world is: BLAMEstorming. The nicer ones get bullied. It is never difficult to blame people that take things in their stride. I feel so wei3 qu1. Often when I am accused of in life, I promised myself not to be nice to anyone, not to take anymore unecessary trouble. I never keep to my promise and always ended up getting trampled over.
If you are nice, you will not get any love. I only wanted Xinni to be happy with a new dog. Now that her parent refuse to let her keep one, I get the blame from ah gong because she couldn't stop crying. Has anyone ever spare a thought for my feelings? Do they even know that I am also a human. If you don't love me, leave me alone. Don't call me up and speak to me in that manner. I am sorry that I have offended your little princess because her father refuse to let her keep the dog. It doesn't even sound right when I put it in writing. There is no logic. I did everything I could to please you let you don't even spare a thought for me. The good things always goes to your little princess and the bad? that is when I came to your mind. I thought things were better. Apparently, I was wrong.
Life has never been fair to me. Never. I am not going to deny how tears are streaming down my face. I just wish you know how much tears I have shed for the past few years because of you. Even with Xin yong gone, you still hate me. There is always Jing yi, Han yang... I really wish I was the one dead. Maybe I would have felt so much better to hear you say good things about me. Maybe you won't say anything, maybe you probably wouldn't bother. I don't even mean a thing.
If accusing me makes you feel better. Go ahead. I have no pride anyway. I want to call a friend, I want to talk to a friend. But no one has seen or hear me cry. I don't want to trouble anyone. I hate my life. I hate Chinese New year. I hate to see you doing that, I hate to see you hurting me every year and I hate myself for letting you hurt me every year.
I talk to God. I blame him just like you blame me. I blame him for my life, for everything. He seems to tell me that he does that only to the stronger ones. I am not strong. Leave me alone if you really don't want to bother. Why make me carry all these and leave me to die?
I can't believe I actually blew up at ah ma. Perhaps I really can't take this kind of life anymore. I work like there is no tomorrow. I study like there is no tomorrow. I care at my own expense. What did I get in return? Blame. Failure. Greater expense on gifts. If that is my return, I don't want any.
I really wish I wasn't born.
Jacqueline
8:22 PM
