Johnny Angel
Just finished reading another book.
Johnny Angel by Danielle Steel. I have read quite a lot of books by steel and am surprised to miss out that book. I shan't blog long entry on the book for fear that it might seem like a book review, but here is the sypnosis:
Synopsis
Johnny Peterson could light up a room with a word or a smile. He had a future filled with promise - until he stepped into a car on prom night and, in an instant, it was all taken away. In the months that followed, Johnny's family and his high school sweetheart, Becky, struggle to put together the pieces of their shattered lives. No-one is more devastated than Johnny's mother, Alice, but amid the heartache, something miraculous is about to happen. When a sudden illness sends Alice to hospital, a glorious vision comes to her - there, standing before her, is Johnny himself, gently urging his bewildered mother to be strong for her splintered family. Through a season of hope and healing, Johnny will walk by his mother's side, leading his parents, his girlfriend, his sister and his brother out of their grief. But as Alice is about to discover, Johnny has returned not just to help those he loves, but to uncover a purpose even he cannot comprehend - one that will change them all forever.
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Actually, I slept barely. I reached home at three plus this morning after sending Grandpa to the airport. His midnight flight to Haikou at 4am burnt me out. I had a long Friday. But it is always fun to go out at night. I insisted going with Dad. I love the airport. When we fetched grandpa, he was already smartly dressed in his long sleeved shirt, a grey colour vest, then a black colour blazer. he kept apologising and told me to get enough rest. Grandpa is so much better to me as compared to Ah Gong. Mum told me not to compare. I MUST compare. Hmph! Anyway, we reached the airport at One plus. I was looking at the rest of the passengers and the rude and ugly tourguide when Ken nudged me. I looked up and froze instantly. Five armed man in army uniform were walking towards me, their rifle slashed across their torso. Although they were walking slowly, their steps were really intimidating. I understand that was a security measure taken to increase the security at airports, Still, it freaks me out. We watched as the ugly, bad tempered tour guide ushered the rest of the passengers to queue to check in their luggage. They probably know one and other. The fluent flow of Hainanese they communicated sounded like lullaby. Because I couldn't understand any, I nearly fell asleep.
Before Grandpa checked in, he thrusted more money into my hands. I wanted to return it to him but he kicked a big fuss out of it. So I kept the money. I wish he has reached safely. I am so tired now and I have tuition coming up. Got to rest. Stomach hurting still.
Jacqueline
10:27 AM
Trival Trivalities
Time to start blogging about my life other than the trivalities. Or is my life trival? Doesn't matter really. Let's start from Sunday. Sunday was a relatively good one. Flo, lin and me went to swim as usual. It's a shame that we did only one lap. As they say, three women make a market. Bingo, we prove the theory right. After shower, Yilin spotted Jian Jun in his very loose trunks and insisted me to call out to him. I was smarter than that though. Speaking of the trunks, HAHAHAHAHA. After the swim, Yilin went for Hainan chicken rice with Soon Huat and I went for Hainan Chicken rice by my dear grandpa. He is returning to Hainan island for this year's lunar new year and we all collected an early Hong Bao from him. 60 bucks, I love my paternal gramps. Erm, not because of the money, just because he cherishes us, whips up such marvellous Hainan dishes for us, bothers to communicate with us and all.
Monday,I met Rachel at Plaza's mac to discuss OE. Projects nowadays freak me off. So many projects, so little time. Thankfully, I met up with bey and lin and headed to Beauty world to look for Wee Leng for lunch. Although It's only a mere one hour meeting, we had such great fun. Laughing, teasing... The food was great as well, and the uncle who carried our food called us <4 mei shao nu>. I nearly die and we all pretended that he did not say that. Then we went to Wee leng's workplace and hang around. UOB. Seems like a neat place. When I went in, I though I saw my ox but Yilin went down to check again. It wasn't. We went back home after shopping at Plaza. Again Plaza.
Tuesday, I went for MAB alone. I sat alone. I did my stuff alone. But seriously, I rather to be alone.
Wednesday was a real bad day. The stomachache on Tuesday night seems to warn me on the impending disaster. I ignored it and went for OE class. Afterwhich, I bore with the pain and went through my OE group meeting. Then I sat through MOR meeting, controlling every urge to vomit because I was already getting delirious. Sorry Rachel, for making you wait so long and not doing the OE project with you. I have never felt so lousy in my life. I headed home and 190 took a freaking run when it saw me. When I reached home, I was about to faint on the doorsteps. I just headed to my bed and dropped. It was only stomachache at first. Then the migraine came and I thought I was dying. Migraine and stomachache were like see-saw. When one is relieved, the othe worsen. I cancelled my tuition with Wen Jin and lay there like a dying woman. I slept again and till now, there is still a tingling pain. I will be meeting Rachel for the OE pairwork. Hope I can contribute something. Don't wanna get her into trouble. Today's tuition is a highly stressed one. Hope things will go on smoothly.
Ok, so Sunday Orchard and Monday KTV. Just to remind the girls so that there is no communication breakdown.
Meanwhile, Take care folks. Take care Jacq.
Jacqueline
7:25 AM
Heaven in high gear
If you have heard me gushing about this book, I am here to reiterate it's worthiness. This book touches me completely. Basically, it teaches us on the art of living. I am not a believer of God or faith. Neither has this book made me into one. But still, it instills a little faith and strength in my life. I like what was written at the top left hand corner in small font:"If yo've ever been lost on the road of life...". I thought it sounded sweet after reading it.
The truth is, I actually borrowed the book to scorn at it like how I always too. I was simply too bored. But I guess I was wrong about it. Joan Brady is a deep author with very good imagination. There is a paragraph that goes like this:
"
...Anyway, this one night I was watching America's most wanted and the police were using dogs to help then hunt for missing person. They gave the dogs a sniff of her blouse and then followed as the frantic hounds went into some kind of hunting frenzy, leading the police to the exact spot where the victim was buried in a shallow grave.Then, it all made sense to me. That's why nuts are always attracted to me. They must pick up some kind of special scent like those hunting dogs and know exactly where to go. "
When I read this paragraph, all sort of feelings surged through me. first, I thought the description was funny. Then, I felt really sorry for her. It was a bitter description. Next, I thought it relates to be as well. Afterall, I am always singled out and made a fool of.
She told Joe(God)
"I felt so trapped. I was waiting tables just down Vinnie's Diner, and I was just dying inside. Somehow I knew I was in the wrong environment.That I could never blossom here on this fast-paced, freezing cold, dog eat dog East coast. And Joe said:"So you listened to the yearnings in your heart and went to the place that you felt was somehow gentler and freer. But it did not go out exactly as you have planned it."
Nice. Very astute perspective she has on life. We never get what we want and we are often trapped. But how do we get ourself out of that shit?
"Are you calling me a rebel?" I challenged. "I try to stay away fron labels; they are dangerous," he admonished. "But I know that deep in your heart you consider yourself a rebel and that you are kind of proud of that. You've spent a lot of time being angry about the injustices of your past and trying to remove yourself from them, and there is nothing wrong with that." He studied me silently for only heartbeat, then added softly," It's just that you've been running in the wrong direction."
Beautiful. If someone will just tel me what is wrong with my life. If only God is not a mute. If only he can tell me what is wrong and not make so many things happen without any explainations, thinking that I am a whiz kid at guessing games. Seriously...
"I stood at the number three carousel, watching the array of luggage circle the travel-weary crowd. I noticed one particularly beat-up looking bag go by at least three times without anyone claiming it, and I found myself almmost overcome with sympathy for it. That's exactly how I had felt so many times in my life, like a leftover suitcase that just keep going around and around, hoping someone will save it from its endless, circular journey."
It's so well well portrayed. That is exactly what I felt. To many. This might seem something normal, but to others, it relates a lot. Rejection, disappointment and lost hope. What else?
"I was astonished to feel a big salty tear slide off my face and splatter onto the ground. How could I be crying? I never cried. The only emotion I'd ever had trouble controlling was laughter. But tears? They'd never been a problem for me. "They've been a bigger problem that you know, perhaps," joe was saying from somewhere close to my ear. Tears are as legitimate as laughter. You must acknowledge them or you lose a part of yourself."
Courage and all. Someone once told me that when we cry, God collect our tears in bottles. I thought it was sweet but now, thinking back, I wonder why God spent the time to collect our tears and not fix our life or at least help us to move in the correct direction. Acknowledging our tears is to have the courage to face the problems in our life. Courage Jacq, not a brave front.
"The medical profession calls it 'phantom pain,'" Joe continued softly. "They have a hard time understanding how something that isn't there anymore can still hurt, but you and me, well, we know. Anything that suddenly gets cut off, always leaves a memory of pain."
Phantom pain. What an interesting phenomenom. I thought I was simply morbid because I couldn't forget my wound. So it's almost the same for everyone? We can never rise above the traumas of our lives? Talking about being an eternal victim of your trauma...
"I wanted more than the promise of his presence. I wanted gurantees that nothing would ever go wrong again in my life. That nothing would ever hurt me or stress me in any way."
Me too...
Believe me, a life without challenges to conquer would be hell on earth," he said. Where there is pain, always, there is growth. Remember that. And growth is the sole purpose of life."
Very convincing. Why doesn't he tell me all those like how he told her. If growth is really the sole purpose of life, then death must be too. Growth leads to death anyway. Maybe a glorified life before death.
This is my favourite part of the whole book. The narator was at a cross section of a busy road. Due to some reason, the lane on the right was busy and that results in that lane's traffic being extremely heavy. The traffic frm the narator's lane was smooth. An old woman was forfeiting her right-of-way so that more cars from the lane with heavy traffic could pass. As a result, people behind the narator, including herself, were frustrated. They started to honk repeatedly. the next light came on and they met another red light, resulting in no cars being able to make it through the intersection. He says:" Her behaviour didn't serve her the highest purpose," he explained matter-of-factly. 'All it did was mess up the flow of things."
"In life, there is nothing wrong with accepting what is rightfully yours. It keeps things moving in the right direction. It's when you do this self flagellating thing- you know, thinking you're not good enough or that you don't deserve good things- that you not only hurt yourself, but you impair everyone around you as well."
It's beautiful isn't it? The words used to motivate, to encourage people to move on with their life. Not only the words, but the very gentle way of nudging you in the right direction. "You can't make room for the good things in your life till you let go of the past." The words sound like magic. One day, everything will be over. One day, Some day, soon.
Jacqueline
3:51 PM
Have you ever felt that you are singled out in life just so to be accused of? I don't know how it is for you but for me, where ever it is, I get accused of things that I have never done. Trust me, the feeling sucks. I did it out of good will. My intention was simple, to make someone special happy but still, I get accused of. Are human really that apprehensive towards others' goodwill or is this what the real world is: BLAMEstorming. The nicer ones get bullied. It is never difficult to blame people that take things in their stride. I feel so wei3 qu1. Often when I am accused of in life, I promised myself not to be nice to anyone, not to take anymore unecessary trouble. I never keep to my promise and always ended up getting trampled over.
If you are nice, you will not get any love. I only wanted Xinni to be happy with a new dog. Now that her parent refuse to let her keep one, I get the blame from ah gong because she couldn't stop crying. Has anyone ever spare a thought for my feelings? Do they even know that I am also a human. If you don't love me, leave me alone. Don't call me up and speak to me in that manner. I am sorry that I have offended your little princess because her father refuse to let her keep the dog. It doesn't even sound right when I put it in writing. There is no logic. I did everything I could to please you let you don't even spare a thought for me. The good things always goes to your little princess and the bad? that is when I came to your mind. I thought things were better. Apparently, I was wrong.
Life has never been fair to me. Never. I am not going to deny how tears are streaming down my face. I just wish you know how much tears I have shed for the past few years because of you. Even with Xin yong gone, you still hate me. There is always Jing yi, Han yang... I really wish I was the one dead. Maybe I would have felt so much better to hear you say good things about me. Maybe you won't say anything, maybe you probably wouldn't bother. I don't even mean a thing.
If accusing me makes you feel better. Go ahead. I have no pride anyway. I want to call a friend, I want to talk to a friend. But no one has seen or hear me cry. I don't want to trouble anyone. I hate my life. I hate Chinese New year. I hate to see you doing that, I hate to see you hurting me every year and I hate myself for letting you hurt me every year.
I talk to God. I blame him just like you blame me. I blame him for my life, for everything. He seems to tell me that he does that only to the stronger ones. I am not strong. Leave me alone if you really don't want to bother. Why make me carry all these and leave me to die?
I can't believe I actually blew up at ah ma. Perhaps I really can't take this kind of life anymore. I work like there is no tomorrow. I study like there is no tomorrow. I care at my own expense. What did I get in return? Blame. Failure. Greater expense on gifts. If that is my return, I don't want any.
I really wish I wasn't born.
Jacqueline
8:22 PM
Yesterday was relatively fun. Had been so long since I last caught up with wee. We had a great time watching movie. "My brother" is immensely touching. Three of us were so into the show, sank so deep into the plot, so touched by the bond between the brothers (and course on Bin's facial features) when... "Puuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutttttt... " A middle aged man gave the longest and loudest fart I have ever heard. If the cinema had been bigger, there would have been echos. Imagine the fart molecues hitting the cinemas walls and diffusing from the brief to the pants, to the cinema seat and into the air shared by everyone. Gross.
Ok, so I made it sound gross but I would have forgiven the poor soul with weak stomach if he had not started a symphony with the auntie in front. On and off, at every ten minute interval, one burp and the other fart. Horn and drumbeat makes a wonderful symphony. Thank Goodness flo wasn't there, or her shrieking laughter would have made the third instrument. Thanks to the bloated belly, everytime I see Won bin's beautiful features, I automatically think of fart.
Nevertheless, the movie was super good. Our sobs add on to the symphony, bringing it to a greater height. Seriously, I was so afraid that people might think the three of us were the farting teenage girls. Imagine after the movie and you hear: "Nowadays young girls are so daring. Fart in public..."
Catch the movie. It's worth the money.
Jacqueline
11:15 AM
Had been so busy lately that it is so difficult to find a day free. I went to my Ah gong's birthday celebration last night. Unlike Ah gong in the past, he was exceptionally 'high'. The Ah gong I know hates frills and trouble. But yesterday, I could see the gleam in his eyes, something that I have not seen for so many years. I almost made an audible sign of relief when he exclaimed loudly, "She me lai de? gei ah gong zhe me da de li wu?" It had been so long since he last spoke to me in that manner. uncle drove us over and when he turned and spoke to me, it dawn to me that he looks so much like Xin ying. I thought I saw her face in his and it took me full 3 seconds before I am able to think and answer what he was asking. I bet when everyone asks me what I am doing now, they will definitely think that if Xin ying is around, She would be doing the same thing as me. ... ...
I played with my 4 year old cousin, Liang Liang. When he grows up and has a girlfriend, his grlfriend is going to be in lots of trouble. What a possessive guy! I was the only one who talked to him because many avoided him, knowing his temper. But I guess school taught him a lot on how to make friends and he is so much better now. I was looking at the fishes.
Me: Liang liang, do you see a small fish hiding there?
Liang liang: No. (inches closer yet shy to touch me) Where?
Me: There, hiding between the rocks. Do you think it's hungry?
Liang liang: ya.
Me: (excitedly) let's take it out and cook it!
Liang: (whispers) Ok. But papa will scold. ( looking at his dad from the corner of his eyes and hid behind a near-by sofa)
Me: Ok! we take the fish out secretly?
Liang: (smiles happily and nod)
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... .... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
My mother saw us and came over. But because the place was small, she did not have a place to sit. i told Liang liang to sit on my lap so that my mum has a place to sit. But he refused to, because he wants both of us to be the only one sitting on the sofa. My mother told him that if he doesn't want to sit on my lap, she would sit and he placed his hand on my lap and shouted:"Go away ah! I ask my fish to bite you? You cannot sit!" That possessive! And when it's time to go home, he spread out his arms in front of me and shouted shyly:" I don't allow you to go home!" To think that just a year ago I was trying so hard to make him talk and now he is so possesive of me. Kids are still kids afterall.
They said that he looked a little like Little Gourd in Xi ling men. I thought so too. just a little.
Happy birthday to JAY! Lalalala... happy birthday!!! I love you!
Jacqueline
8:28 AM
Why? Why light up a spark and extinguiush it that fast? Why build up my hope and squashes it? You have done that so many times that the candle has melted and the wick is all burnt up. It is no longer reversible. You must be upset because you can't go on making life miserable for me right? Well, I am dumb too. Dumb in having faith in you for so many years, wasting my time and energy. Now I have seen life. I have seen people. I will never ever believe in you or anyone else for all that matter.
I feel dumb when my concern is not returned. I feel dumb expressing my fear and getting splashed with the basin of cold water you held in your arms. I feel dumb making time for people and not getting any response. I hate my busy life and I feel really dumb seeing friends coming out from lectures that I cannot attend. I feel dumb when friends tell me I have been taken advantaged of. I feel dumb when it bothers me that people put me down. No Jasline, I don't have the courage to prove to them that I am not what they thought I am because I feel that I am. Maybe I should go somewhere far far away. BUENOS AIRES...
My greatest mistake is to think that I know a lot about life. In life, to know anything, you have to know everything. Now, I don't want to know anything. Nothing at all.
I have to find my channel to release my pent up whatever or my internal organs will burn.
Jacqueline
10:41 PM
Kenneth is ill. I guess he is studying too hard and all the stress and severe headache mounts up to fever. Everything is in such a big mess. Just when I thought things are slightly better, then the whole scene changes. Hmm...
I kept forgetting to blog about my longtime friend's baby sister. She is a super darling, so chubby and active. Welcome, Jia sin! Look at the smile...
Babies are such darlings. They are the second closest to angels.
An Angel's Kiss
We go through life so often
Not stopping to enjoy the day,
And we take each one for granted
As we travel on our way.
We never stop to measure
Anything we just might miss,
But if the wind should blow by softly
You'll feel an Angel's Kiss
A kiss that is sent from Heaven
A kiss from up above,
A kiss that is very special
From someone that you love.
For in your pain and sorrow
An Angels kiss will help you through,
This kiss is very private
For it is meant for only you.
So when your hearts are heavy
And filled with tears and pain,
And no one can console you
Remember once again.....
About the ones you grieve for
Because you sadly miss
And the gentle breeze
You took for granted
Was just....."An Angel's Kiss"
~Author unknown~
Jacqueline
7:48 AM
Why escape when you know you will regret?
Run, coward!
Jacqueline
1:29 PM
Saturday:
Tuition starts at ten thirty in the morning and ended at twelve thirty. The second session started at one thirty and ended at three thirty. I went to Tiong Bahru and worked from five pm to ten pm. When I got home it was eleven. A late dinner again. By now, my gastric was beyond remedy. I went to bed with a bloated stomach and an extremely disturbed mind. Something was going to happen...
Sunday:
I met Florence for a swim early in the morning but I ended up pushing back the time because of my tummy ache. The water was icy cold but it was nice to swim after many tired days. After the short swim, we went for Jap food. The day went on so well that I know something is being cooked up for me. I could practically hear it. After the lunch, I went for work and reached home at six, totally burnt out. The atmosphere was different. I wish I am less sensitive to atmosphere. I wish I don't need to carry all this burden after two tiring days of work. My mood for relaxation went away and I felt my shoulders tensing up again. I slept late.
Monday:
I was supposed to wake up at five in the morning but I woke up at five thirty instead. I skipped breakfast and rushed off to work. I was so anxious because time is crucial where my work is concerned. I guess my body was too tired to co-ordinate with my mind and I half-fell. The steps of the escalator piercing into my flesh made it a half-fall. I looked as if I was posing like a runner that has just started. The pose lasted for few seconds till my mind finally worked and withdraw my flesh from the steps. The wound sting but I carried on running. I had no time to examine the wound. after work, I rushed down to buy Flora's birthday present. Although it was near my place, I had to shuttle between the two places to get the right present. After four miserable hours, I went back home and realised the pain during my bath. I looked down and saw my skin being scraped off and the wound was so deep that I could see my inner flesh. I had no time to attend to it and had to rush off to school. I was supposed to meet bey after school but she was too late. So it was called off. I went home and the atmosphere gets even more chilling. I hate my life. I suddenly remebered how I made my students write : An unlucky day and their unlucky days always start with them being late and ended with "I promised never to be late again". I used to laugh at the very typical storyline. I wouldn't consider the day an unlucky one. I have worse experience, but still, I am beginning to see where the idea of being unlucky because of punctuality comes from.
I feel good being tired physically and mentally. It limts my surging thoughts and prevents my hair from turning white.
Jacqueline
7:14 AM
It had been a long day yesterday, having to rush to and fro from work, tuition and classes. Today is worse and I have no idea why I am awake so early in the morning. I just couldn't carry on sleeping. School stuff is piling up and I just don't have the energy to look through them. Nevertheless, the heavy workload makes be feel more useful. My only enemy now is Time. As for the rest, I have locked them behind the bars. Someday they will break loose. I can already hear them planning...
Oh.. I was on my way to school to meet Rena for lunch yesterday when I fell in love. Despite my fatigue, I saw my target. I am in love with that Nike duffle bag and I am going to comb the whole Singapore for that precious silvery pink gem. Love at first sight... I know it will end up in my cupboard. I know I will not like it that much when I see it again. But I HAVE to get it.
I have so many things to tell each of my friend but I cannot find the time to. My apologies.
Jasline
"As I have said, notes are piling up. So, dear Jas, I have to carry your notes. You should be back today ya? Miss you."
Florence
"I am sorry I can't meet up with you this Sunday. It's Flora's 21st and it actually slipped off my mind. But If you can meet up on Monday after 5pm with me and lin, that would do."
Wee leng
"Where are you??? It's the most serious case of MIA I have ever seen. The'YEAH I M IN LOVE!!!' is irritating me. Do me a favor, contact me! maybe you can meet at plaza on Monday after 5 too???"
Banana Bey
"It always happen. You are back and we seldom meet up except online. eh.. free on Monday after 5 at plaza?"
Sin Jie
"Spare me, just spare me... I want to live till I see my nephews and neices..."
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Jacqueline
7:35 AM
I am so busy that I have not blogged for so long. Things are moving at such speedy manner and days passed by without me knowing it. I need to earn more, I need money. My elder brother is going uni and I will do everything I can to help him reach his goal. I love my brother, my family. So life has been busy earning money. Instead of dropping two students, I have six tuition students. I still work when there is assignment and on top of that, my full time studies. Pardon me if you can't get me people, I will try my best to appear for meet up sessions. Afterall, there are only 24 hours a day.
Meet ups, gatherings and reunions... Oh, Flo is back and we had lunch in mac today. Had been a full 2 months since I last went to mac! *wink to Rachel* Had a wonderful time. After our meal, we chatted and slagged for quite long and she came over my place to slag further. This is the most relaxing day. from tomorrow onwards, it will be endless tuitions and work. I cherish time.
After that horrible tsunami, I am thrown in the face with a sight more horrible than the natural disaster itself. It riles me up having to see the locals going up to the beaches, to see people kidnapping the young children that are made orphans due to the disaster. Men are evil by nature and this evil is not justified by their need to survive. There are cetainly more ways and means to survival than preying on the weak. The tsunami could have been a test set by God to gauge people's nature. There it is, the line is drawn. I am touched that people from all the countries are contributing their help in each and everyway. It warms by heart to see the world being united and coming together to help the distress. Suddenly, International Friendship Day seems non political and more meaningful.
Despite being in need of money, I donated my hard earned money. As compared to Andy Lau, Leon Lai, Sim Wun Woo, my donation is peanuts. It's so lame for me to say that every dollar means a lot cos that sounds strangely like charity program, but well, that is very true. Life is so unpredictable. A tsunami happens once every 500 years and it has to happen in this era, and so near to me too. May we all cherish each day, and may the dead rest in peace.
Jacqueline
7:22 AM
