Things have never been smooth sailing since four years ago. I don't know how I hang on till now. Suddenly, I seem to be living in a life of fog. My vision is shaken and my vision is no longer my vision no matter how hard I strive to achieve it. To others, my life is organized, but I see it as really messy.
Remember the last time I complained about the subject Accounting? I had my Final Semester test two months ago. I thought that I have conquered it because I found the paper straight-forward and was therefore pretty confident in doing well. I failed it. As I result, I have to retake the subject. I felt my personal failure in A'levels repeating itself. I just want to know why I fail, the marker's way of marking, where the fault lies in and why was I the one. I did everything I could to do well, but I was still disappointed. It's the whole A' level episode repeating itself again.
I just don't get it. Many a time, in my life, whenever I meet with obstacles, I am just given the final statement. I couldn't see the problem and I fear to know that I am actually very stupid, but unaware of it. I am so afraid of being reminded by failures that I am actually incapable in studies or in anything I do. I am so tired of not meeting people's expectation, not meeting my own. And it's such a basic expectation. I don't expect myself to score without putting any hard work, I don't expect myself to pass without putting in any effort. All I wish for is to get what I deserve. I don't want the golden axe, the silver axe or even a new wooden one. I want the axe that I paid for, the one that dropped into the river. Why can things never be the same again?
When I say I can cope with all these, It means living through a life with these burden. Afterall, I did live with it for so many years, so it doesn't really matter if they are still there. I am almost numb to them. Your question on whether it's enough to only cope sets me thinking all day. I used to think that it's not enough just to cope. I did what I could to face it, to find some control. I ended more wounded. There is no way I can get control. I have tried and each time I try, I see failure welcoming me back. Friends move on to greater heights in life. They always meet the ladder, I always meet the smake. One year ago, I was at square one. One year later, I am back to square one.
I am not trying to sound like a poor old woman that has walked a thousand miles and lost everything although sometimes I feel like one. These two years have been pretty rough for me. I hate to talk about my failures because they only serve as a reminder of my incapability. I am so sick of being different from others.
I seem to understand everything, but not in depth. I saw meaningful quotes but they never seem to change my life or inspire me like what they always do for people in the dumps. I thought of my life and the things I have learnt and realised that I lead a very empty life. I played organ at the age of 5 and gave up at the age of 10. I took swimming at the age of 6 and gave up at the age of 16. I took speech and drama for 2 years and I still hate to talk. I took drawing, I took taekwando, I took squash, I took so many things, but I am left with nothing.
I have an encouraging family. They are all very understanding and sweet to me. That's what I am left with. I did what I could to make them happy, to make them smile because I cherish every single one of them. There are times they took me for granted. But they all all that I am left with. Friends come and go. They all there too.
I will not commit suicide or do any other silly things because I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't know the purpose of living though. I used to question myself on whether I create more joy or more hurt in people's life and I couldn't find an answer to it? I feel like a burden and I hate being one. I wish I wasn't born. It's a childish claim but I really wish for that. I am not afraid of suffereing, I just don't wish to affect anyone's mood or to spoil their day.
Despite all that I have said, I am feeling alright. I am not on the brink of death and I am not in the midst of depression. Thanks for your care and concern. I really appreciate it. Hope you will have greater pleasure in doing what you like to do.
Jacqueline
1:09 PM
