Life is short, life is sweet. Some faced a shorter life, some went without knowing they would leave while those remained pin for the loss till they themselves leave decades later.
It's 2nd Dec 2004 and 20 years ago, I met you for the first time in my life. For all the fun we had, all the memories, jokes, agony, I thank you for them. And of course, I know how you were always the apple of ah gong's eye. I know how my maturity makes people neglect me but I thank you for making, well forcing everyone to remember me even though there is nothing worth remembering.
For these 6 years, I have walked alone and faced the difficulties that our age should be facing alone. Maybe not alone, but you were not there. I convinced myself that you had gone for a trip to a faraway country and will eventually come back,perhaps during my graduation or when my first baby is born. So far, I have been pretty successful.
I see you in my friends. Different you in different friends and I treasure them as much as I treasured you. I chose to remember your birthday instead of your departure. There are times whereby I wanted to share my pain with you, to share my thoughts, my love and to discuss Jie lun with you, but I couldn't find you, I couldn't feel you, I could only dream. Now, I don't even know who to talk to when I am down. I kept everything in my heart. No more late nights at your place because they sold it away with memory of you. No more New years at Holland V because they sold it too. No more anything except little things that you gave me. I thank you for the little reminders. We probabaly not meet again because I cannot go to heaven. But I will carry you in my mind and heart forever.
I used to childishly think of how people will react if I had gone in your place. Perhaps they will finally realise my presence, perhaps ah gong will not be that sad. I don't understand so many things about life. I hate the feeling of reminding people of you by my mere presence. I felt like a sinner. Ah gong cries every New year when he sees me. Your parents' eyes reflect regret and pain. My very presence only serves as a sad reminder. Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish that I was the one that left. It is childish, a real childish thought that me, with that mature outlook should not even dream of it.
I did what I thought was the best. I did everything I could to play your role, to redeem myself for causing grief with my pressence. To many, what I did was necessary because I am mature and that is the way mature kids should behave. Nobody will understand how I feel because no one asks. Why should they? I probably don't need it. I know you will understand. I love you and I miss you. I really do.
Jacqueline
3:38 PM
