I always believe that life is a balance beam and that if your burden is heavier on the left, the benefit on the right will even out the burden. This kind of thought relieves the tension in my life. The thought of getting what we deserve, of retribution edges me to strive for a better well-being. Most of the time, friends and family are surprised by my high tolerance level because they thought, they believed that I was bullied by someone out of my will. That is not true. I have control over my own life and it's me that allow myself to be taken advantage of. I deserved it and I know when to stop them from doing so. When my presence is taken for granted, when i am pin-pointed at because they couldn't find someone else to vent their frustration, when the blame and responsibilities are pushed to me because I refused to explain. I know that everyone has temper and if the other party opens one eye and closes the other, the world would be a better place. I used to deem giving in as a sign of weakness, but now I find that appropraite gesture actually gives you power. Of course, a warning to many: Don't push your luck. I have learnt so many things throughout this one year. They are not achievements, nothing to be proud of. I can't put them down on paper because they are not cert, they don't apply to the whole world. I have nothing substantial to back me up, to back my life and my time spent throughout the year. Why is there a need to back it up? Has my year pass by without me realising it? What am I trying to prove? Self worth or identity?
I convinced myself that a simple life is an easy life. But I feel all the years of being a better person draining out and fears that one day I will live to regret it. Why do i feel like what I felt 2 years ago? Why do i feel so darn lost? Why?
I must be nuts. I am reading the
Grandeur de D major everyday as if it is the holy bible. No offence to any religions at all. Well, it cheers me up and if it makes me better, why not? Yes, happiness. I have to see it as my direct goal, not money, not grades, not family, not friends but content. Happiness happiness happiness...
Jacqueline
9:35 AM
