The world will be colourless without colours, meaningless without babies, empty without love.
Time sure flies.
2005...
What will I see?
What will I face?
Goodbye 2004. I hate you. I hate 2003 and 2002 and 2001.
2005. I hate you as well.
Jacqueline
5:54 PM
Things have never been smooth sailing since four years ago. I don't know how I hang on till now. Suddenly, I seem to be living in a life of fog. My vision is shaken and my vision is no longer my vision no matter how hard I strive to achieve it. To others, my life is organized, but I see it as really messy.
Remember the last time I complained about the subject Accounting? I had my Final Semester test two months ago. I thought that I have conquered it because I found the paper straight-forward and was therefore pretty confident in doing well. I failed it. As I result, I have to retake the subject. I felt my personal failure in A'levels repeating itself. I just want to know why I fail, the marker's way of marking, where the fault lies in and why was I the one. I did everything I could to do well, but I was still disappointed. It's the whole A' level episode repeating itself again.
I just don't get it. Many a time, in my life, whenever I meet with obstacles, I am just given the final statement. I couldn't see the problem and I fear to know that I am actually very stupid, but unaware of it. I am so afraid of being reminded by failures that I am actually incapable in studies or in anything I do. I am so tired of not meeting people's expectation, not meeting my own. And it's such a basic expectation. I don't expect myself to score without putting any hard work, I don't expect myself to pass without putting in any effort. All I wish for is to get what I deserve. I don't want the golden axe, the silver axe or even a new wooden one. I want the axe that I paid for, the one that dropped into the river. Why can things never be the same again?
When I say I can cope with all these, It means living through a life with these burden. Afterall, I did live with it for so many years, so it doesn't really matter if they are still there. I am almost numb to them. Your question on whether it's enough to only cope sets me thinking all day. I used to think that it's not enough just to cope. I did what I could to face it, to find some control. I ended more wounded. There is no way I can get control. I have tried and each time I try, I see failure welcoming me back. Friends move on to greater heights in life. They always meet the ladder, I always meet the smake. One year ago, I was at square one. One year later, I am back to square one.
I am not trying to sound like a poor old woman that has walked a thousand miles and lost everything although sometimes I feel like one. These two years have been pretty rough for me. I hate to talk about my failures because they only serve as a reminder of my incapability. I am so sick of being different from others.
I seem to understand everything, but not in depth. I saw meaningful quotes but they never seem to change my life or inspire me like what they always do for people in the dumps. I thought of my life and the things I have learnt and realised that I lead a very empty life. I played organ at the age of 5 and gave up at the age of 10. I took swimming at the age of 6 and gave up at the age of 16. I took speech and drama for 2 years and I still hate to talk. I took drawing, I took taekwando, I took squash, I took so many things, but I am left with nothing.
I have an encouraging family. They are all very understanding and sweet to me. That's what I am left with. I did what I could to make them happy, to make them smile because I cherish every single one of them. There are times they took me for granted. But they all all that I am left with. Friends come and go. They all there too.
I will not commit suicide or do any other silly things because I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't know the purpose of living though. I used to question myself on whether I create more joy or more hurt in people's life and I couldn't find an answer to it? I feel like a burden and I hate being one. I wish I wasn't born. It's a childish claim but I really wish for that. I am not afraid of suffereing, I just don't wish to affect anyone's mood or to spoil their day.
Despite all that I have said, I am feeling alright. I am not on the brink of death and I am not in the midst of depression. Thanks for your care and concern. I really appreciate it. Hope you will have greater pleasure in doing what you like to do.
Jacqueline
1:09 PM
Jacqueline
10:46 PM
So?
I am sick of being the weird one.
Auntie 1: "Hey, isn't that your elder son? He looks so smart and he resembles you. Oh, he is so polite. He really looks like you. Jia jia, you look so different from your mum and dad."
Me: (forces a smile and looks down) Oh ya.. they are slim and good looking.
Auntie 2: Your younger brother is so handsome. He looks like your dad and mum.
Me: (still looking down) Oh.. yes, they are slim and better looking.
Auntie 3: Don't worry, you are special in your own way.
Me: (smiles)
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
So it's weirdo jacq bitching about her miserable life. So what if you are different? So what if you are fat? So what if you are ugly? So what if you are stupid? So what if you are quiet? So what if you are a coward? So what if you take all the pain? So what if you need to do more? SO what if you have no identity? So what if you lose your identity? So what if you gave up your organ halfway? SO what if you did badly in A's? So what if you were backstabbed? So what if you were taken advantage of? So what if you accomplished nothing in life? So what if you are always considerate to people's feeling? So what if nobody cares? So what if it's so what?
Nothing can be CHANGED
Fuck you again, jacq.
Jacqueline
10:29 AM
Customer service officer: Hello, SIM, can I help you?
Me:Yup. Can I know why I have not received my invoice?
Customer service officer: What do you mean?
Me: My friends have all received their invoices but not me.
Customer service officer: Please hold.
________________________________________________________
Rohana: Hello
Me: Hi, can I know why I have not received my invoice?
Rohana: (irritated) Can you speak louder? Hello.. Hello..
Me: Can I know why I have not received my invoice? My friends have all received their invoices but
not me.
Rohana: Soon. you failed a subject didn't you?
Me: Oh..ya.
Rohana: It's arriving soon.
Me: Thanks, bye.
Rohana: (silence)line dead.
I hate the feeling of vulnerability. I don't want to be different from others. Why do I lead such a different life. Why am I always held back? Why do I need to do more and get less? Why am i different? They say that I hear a different tune out of life's melody. That is real sweet of them. In my opinion, I am not unique, I am weird. I just can't get out of the pit. Life shows me the light from the pit, but I rather look into the pit from outside of it.
Fuck you, Jacq.
Jacqueline
10:45 AM
Wedding-Dong n Rachel
Wedlock or deadlock? Who bothers? Life is too short for you to stay hesitant on such issues that one can never get an answer. I attended Jing dong's wedding today and he looks good. Lucky him, Rachel is such a sweet and pretty bride. Time flies. 4 years ago, we were all wrecking havoc in SAJC, having fun studying with food, games, bible talks in the container. Jing Dong will strum his guitar and we sang, learnt how to strum, and sometimes even ran on the tracks. That was the sweetest memory, having to sit at the back of his pick-up shouting to passer-bys, singing and waving to everyone as our pick-up whizzed past them.
We were so carefree then, yet we thought that O'levels brought us the greatest stress. if not for Jing Dong, we would have all collapsed. Chee Wee, Jing Dong, Hazel, Mr Foo... They brought light to our life. We were full of vigor and youth. It's funny how they called out the 'tuition group' and all of us, 20 odd years old stood up and walked to the front. Argh! Time leaves no space for us. Here is to Jing dong and his wife, Rachel:
James Dillet Freeman
May your marriage bring you all the exquisite excitements a marriage should bring, and may life grant you also patience, tolerance, and understanding.
May you always need one another - not so much to fill your emptiness as to help you know your fullness. A mountain needs a valley to be complete; the valley does not make the mountain less, but more; and the valley is more a valley because it has a mountain towering over it. So let it be with you and you.
May you need one another, but not out of weakness.
May you want one another, but not out of lack.
May you entice one another, but not compel one another.
May you succeed in all important ways with one another, and not fail in the little graces. May you look for things to praise, often say, "I love you!" and take no notice of small faults.
If you have quarrels that push you apart, may both of you hope to have good sense enough to take the first step back.
May you enter into the mystery which is the awareness of one another's presence - no more physical than spiritual, warm and near when you are side by side, and warm and near when you are in separate rooms or even distant cities. May you have happiness, and may you find it making one another happy. May you have love, and may you find it loving one another!
Bey looks wonderful, like a little princess ushering Rachel's dad. I crown her the cutest bridesmaid in all the weddings that I have attended. It was so touching when Jing dong presented his gifts of appreciation and the speech to his parents. He was choking with emotions and tears while his mother cried tears of happiness, having throughly touched by her fillial son. Pastor Sham is sooooooooooo handsome. Still as handsome as ever. Hee.. too bad I couldn't get a pic of him. Speaking of which, here are the pictures of Dong and Rachel:
And then there are friends that came back from Aust like Ziying and Cheryl.
And Pamela.
I am so glad that she is well and back to her chatty self. The time spent looking at her helplessly in the hospital still chills me. For that, I am willing to listen to all her long storys and her never-ending logic. I miss you girl. Hope that things will turn out to be better for you. Losing one and gaining another. I know you will be fine.
Jacqueline
10:43 PM
Rainbow
They say that rainbow comes after rain. It has been raining consecutively for so many days. Life in every aspect is getting fouled up. When will the rain stop? When can I stop acting as if the sun did not stop shining? When will I see the rainbow that I saw many mnay years ago?
Jacqueline
6:56 PM
Back From Thailand
I am finally back from Thailand. I wish I can stay there forever. The people in Thailand are warm and natural. Their aura of friendliness can be felt everywhere you go. Unlike Singaporeans who is friendly only to foreigners, the thais greet each other just the way they treat tourists, and with sincerity. Maybe the air is not that fresh, but apart from that, everything is simply wonderful. Contrary to my expectation, they have pretty clean toilets. The things are cheap even though I know they are trying to suck as much money as possible. But even then, the bargain is done with smiles. Of course, not every single Thai is friendly. I got shouted when I tried to take a photo of beautiful girls pole-dancing. Hahahaha.. thinking back, it serves me right.
I visited many places despite the short stay. The temples look immensly majestic. The Thais are a bunch of skillful lot. Carvings, hand-made souveniors, wreaths...
They sell great food too. Cheap, tasty and cute-looking. Their food are mostly barbequed and fried and they sell many sausages. The whole stretch of street sells fried sausages, prawns and many other sea food. Of course, there are genuine birdnest that cost only 100 bahts and sharkfins (I abstain from sharkfin 3 years ago), abalone, dim sum, mushrooms, thickly-sliced fresh sashimi, wonton noddle with super tasty char seiw sprinkled with sugar and chilli powder, duck meat bee hoon, fried oyster omelette, pattai and of course my all time favourite, Tom Yum soup and 100% pure fish balls with sweet Thai chilli. The breakfast buffet was good as well, but I prefer the stalls by the roadside.
Their McDonalds sells a greater variety of food too. They have 4 flavours for Mac Flurry but we did not eat at any fast food restaurants. Ronald himself looks cute too. I guess he is the only Ronald that has the Thai greeting pose.
The cups in Thailand facinates me. Being a more backward country, they definitely have more brains than the more advanced Singaporeans. their paper cup comes with handles that prevent us from burning our hands. And of course, they sell milkshakes that are not frequently seen in Singapore. Everywhere I go, I see fruits in push carts, drinks that costs only 10 to 20 bahts, and they have a lot 7 eleven franchises. You can find 2 7-elevens on the same side of the street. Familiar shops like Watson, Bata and other international brands can be spotted. Their Chinatown consists mainly of Hakkas and Hainanese. So the lauguage barrier is not that serious. All in all, everything looks more familiar there.
They are less perfect in terms of vehicles. I was lucky to escape from the notorious road conditions but I witnessed it. They must have bought a car and get another one at half price. The number of cars on the road is over-whelming. The Tuk-Tuk looks so cute that it is too hard for me to resist. It is so cheap. 40 baht for a long ride. The air was pretty bad but the thrill comes along with that disadvantage. we don;t even need to visit any Theme Parks for the thrill. The Tuk Tuk reminds me of the Visa advertisement. It was just so CUTE. We took the Taxi-meter too. That is equivalent to the taxis over here. The driver is so friendly and chatty and he apologised at every little jerks and slight congestion. Oh, and my family and Daddy's business partner and his wife, the 7 of us squeezed into a taxi-meter. 7 of us! It was not a competition but we were amazed by ourselves too. It looked so hilarious seeing Uncle Jimmy and his wife sitting in front with the driver. I felt like giggling but there was no sapce for it. It costs only 60 baht for us to travel from our hotel to Ma Boon Krong. Speaking of which, Ma Boon Krong is an extremely big shopping centre. It is the combination of Taka and Wisma. It took me 3hours to finish touring two storeys of the shopping centre! We went there for 2 consecutive days just to shop for gifts. the second time we went by skytrain. That is our MRT. I saw many Singaporeans and as expected, they brought our traditional let-me-in-or die custom to Thais' skytrain.
My one-day tour guide told us that 50% of a year is public holiday for Thais. That reminds me of school holidays. If 50% of their holiday is public holiday, then say 20% of the remaining is school holidays, thai students study only 30% of the year! Lucky them! I saw so many children playing soccer, running around, jumping onto boats like experts while I tremble at the thought of missing my footing. These kids lead such carefree lives. I went down at Singapore time 2am, that is 1am for them and I saw kids playing happily, some helping their parents at the stall, some huddled together with their parents, still begging for money. Even their dogs looked extremely under-nourished with mangy skin and flies. My heart goes out to the little animals, even, well, even the kitten. But their cats looked fat, real fat. So, no pity for them. The hotel was good. I managed to swim and sun tan. But the water in the pool was icy cold. That is an understatement. Nevertheless, the swim was extremely refreshing. My two brothers created big splashes in the considerably small pool, challenging the strokes. They are good and the foreigners at the poolside were impressed. Those entertainers. *roll eyeball*
I had a great time in Thailad and I wished that I am not back. There are too many things to face, too many things to settle in Singapore. I must be crazy because I felt strangely excited when our plane met with turbulent. The strength of not wanting to return beats my fear of death. The ending would have been more glorified, more natural, with happy memories. But, well, I got back safely anyway. My luggage was so heavy that the wheels came off. I am unable to get presents for everyone but I managed to get some. Guess who is the greatest shopper? My elder brother. He brought around 15 T-shirts, many many souveniors, Thai CDs and even a lamp! I am such a loser when it comes to buying things.
More unpacking to be done. Do take care folks.
That's my extremely small-sized tour guide.
I have more photos in my digicam but it has not been uploaded. So hang around.
Jacqueline
9:30 AM
Folks, I will be leaving for Thailand for 4 days. Do continue to drop me messages, to tag. All of you will be in my mind. I managed to infrared some photos and they can be viewed at the
New Photos under my link. Check them out for it contains some of the lovely memory of the year. Look out for my Thailand trip photos when I am back. Meanwhile, do take care.
Jacqueline
10:20 PM
I failed my Accounting.
I will be fine now.
I will put a smile on my face wherever I go.
I will laugh and howl.
I will enjoy my holiday in Thailand.
I will work hard on my job.
I will waste my parents' money.
I will cry only when nobody sees it.
I will earn back the money to pay daddy.
I will not study too hard in the future.
I will make everyone enjoy their holiday.
I will not make anyone worry.
I will be strong.
I will take everything in my stride.
I will smile and have fun.
I will be grateful to all my friends who cared.
I will not make history repeat itself.
I will pack my luggage tonight.
I will terminate Zhi Hao's tuition.
I will not be able to move on for 6 months.
I will be more alert in work tomorrow.
I will save more money.
I will sleep at night.
I will do whatever I can to bring hope and comfort.
I will be fine.
I will be fine.
I will be fine.
I will be fine.
I will be fine.
I will be fine.
I will be fine.
I will be fine.
I will be fine.
I will be fine.
I will be fine.
I will smile more.
Jacqueline
4:49 PM
I am going to engage in a part-time job that contacts you only when they need you. The working hours are from 7.30am to 9.30am and 5.30pm to 7.30pm a day. I don't know if the timing is considered fixed or flexible. I have to stand by the roadside and press a counter as each car passess by. If you see a person wearing a yellow cap by the roadside, it could be me. wave.
For a meagre $24 a day, I took up the job because I am too desperate for money. Too desperate. Desperate is to undermine my state of need. My expenditure is horrifying and I would be off to Thailand this coming Thursday. Like what my bro said, I am not going to pay so much for an air ticket and come back with a sad experience. So, Thailand's economy is going to be thankful to me. Work work work.. If you know of any, let me know. Even if the pay falls below $6, I am willing to do it.
Had a great time with Yanlin and Wee leng. That's it, I am going to crown Wee as the Super-shopper Sim. As if to make up for sitting for 6 hours, we shopped for 4 hours at JP. Now I know the legend of those legs, and of course... the empty pockets. But hell, we did have a great time. 3 women form a market and I can't help noticing how quiet it is evertime the three of us stopped to catch our breath after endless talking. Good, at least I get to enjoy myself before I go to Thailand to heal my pathetic soul.
Tomorrow it's the 6th. Good Luck bsea, I am proud of you!!! Join the working population squeezing themselves like sardines on the train unless you drive!
And tomorrow it's still the 6th. Nobody can change the fact. I will be working tomorrow. Heard that the supervisor is a fiery man. I got to lie low. And tomorrow the results will be out. Darn, why do i have to say it out. Well, we can't change anything can we?
Jacqueline
8:08 AM
Life is short, life is sweet. Some faced a shorter life, some went without knowing they would leave while those remained pin for the loss till they themselves leave decades later.
It's 2nd Dec 2004 and 20 years ago, I met you for the first time in my life. For all the fun we had, all the memories, jokes, agony, I thank you for them. And of course, I know how you were always the apple of ah gong's eye. I know how my maturity makes people neglect me but I thank you for making, well forcing everyone to remember me even though there is nothing worth remembering.
For these 6 years, I have walked alone and faced the difficulties that our age should be facing alone. Maybe not alone, but you were not there. I convinced myself that you had gone for a trip to a faraway country and will eventually come back,perhaps during my graduation or when my first baby is born. So far, I have been pretty successful.
I see you in my friends. Different you in different friends and I treasure them as much as I treasured you. I chose to remember your birthday instead of your departure. There are times whereby I wanted to share my pain with you, to share my thoughts, my love and to discuss Jie lun with you, but I couldn't find you, I couldn't feel you, I could only dream. Now, I don't even know who to talk to when I am down. I kept everything in my heart. No more late nights at your place because they sold it away with memory of you. No more New years at Holland V because they sold it too. No more anything except little things that you gave me. I thank you for the little reminders. We probabaly not meet again because I cannot go to heaven. But I will carry you in my mind and heart forever.
I used to childishly think of how people will react if I had gone in your place. Perhaps they will finally realise my presence, perhaps ah gong will not be that sad. I don't understand so many things about life. I hate the feeling of reminding people of you by my mere presence. I felt like a sinner. Ah gong cries every New year when he sees me. Your parents' eyes reflect regret and pain. My very presence only serves as a sad reminder. Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish that I was the one that left. It is childish, a real childish thought that me, with that mature outlook should not even dream of it.
I did what I thought was the best. I did everything I could to play your role, to redeem myself for causing grief with my pressence. To many, what I did was necessary because I am mature and that is the way mature kids should behave. Nobody will understand how I feel because no one asks. Why should they? I probably don't need it. I know you will understand. I love you and I miss you. I really do.
Jacqueline
3:38 PM
I always believe that life is a balance beam and that if your burden is heavier on the left, the benefit on the right will even out the burden. This kind of thought relieves the tension in my life. The thought of getting what we deserve, of retribution edges me to strive for a better well-being. Most of the time, friends and family are surprised by my high tolerance level because they thought, they believed that I was bullied by someone out of my will. That is not true. I have control over my own life and it's me that allow myself to be taken advantage of. I deserved it and I know when to stop them from doing so. When my presence is taken for granted, when i am pin-pointed at because they couldn't find someone else to vent their frustration, when the blame and responsibilities are pushed to me because I refused to explain. I know that everyone has temper and if the other party opens one eye and closes the other, the world would be a better place. I used to deem giving in as a sign of weakness, but now I find that appropraite gesture actually gives you power. Of course, a warning to many: Don't push your luck. I have learnt so many things throughout this one year. They are not achievements, nothing to be proud of. I can't put them down on paper because they are not cert, they don't apply to the whole world. I have nothing substantial to back me up, to back my life and my time spent throughout the year. Why is there a need to back it up? Has my year pass by without me realising it? What am I trying to prove? Self worth or identity?
I convinced myself that a simple life is an easy life. But I feel all the years of being a better person draining out and fears that one day I will live to regret it. Why do i feel like what I felt 2 years ago? Why do i feel so darn lost? Why?
I must be nuts. I am reading the
Grandeur de D major everyday as if it is the holy bible. No offence to any religions at all. Well, it cheers me up and if it makes me better, why not? Yes, happiness. I have to see it as my direct goal, not money, not grades, not family, not friends but content. Happiness happiness happiness...
Jacqueline
9:35 AM
