communication
This is the saddest story I have ever heard. Can't help tearing as I read. I got this from an email from a friend that has gone through a rather rocky patch these days. Read on..
A fatal misunderstanding and the person who love me the most in this
world is gone forever.
This is a true story, taken from "Family" (dictated by LD, edited by
LSX,translated by SaFe).
Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful
footsteps to our family. Our original intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and
peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as
destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became too late.
Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of
asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with
us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured much
hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a
university degree. You could say that she suffered a great deal and did
everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is
today.
I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a
balconyfacing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant some
greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started
spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go
fetch
mother."
Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to rest on his chest and enjoy
the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into
his pockets. Whenever we have an argument and both of us refuse to back
down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I
surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.
Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her.
For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room,
she could
not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people
spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat the flowers!" I
smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better."
Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a
city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it."
Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever I
came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and
she would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come
home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they
cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it.
Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the
full price of everything would solve it."There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.
Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the
breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the
breakfast table, mother facial ___expression is always like the dark clouds
before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her
chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest. As I am a
dance teacher in the Children's Palace and is exhausted from a long day of dancing
around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in
the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest
mother makes.From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but
soon her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all
kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and
that resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would
scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as
not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash they again. One day, late at
night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her
bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room.
Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak
to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried
acting cute,but he totally ignored me. I got mad and asked him: "What did I do
wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? we
couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?"
After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak
to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the
house. During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to
please. In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother
took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At
the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his
breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my
duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to
buying my own breakfast on my way to work.
That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.
The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden
churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my
throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I couldn't. I threw down
in the bowl and rushed into the washroom and vomited everything out. Just as I was
catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes. I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I
really didn't mean it.
We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us,
then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in
the eye and followed mother down the stairs.For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at the low point in my life. Finally, a colleague said:
"LD, you look terrible, you should go and see a doctor." The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant. Now it became clear to me
why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that
otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this
before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day? At the
hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days,
but he looked haggard.
I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and
finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted
look in his eyes that cut right through my heart.
I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At that
moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I
am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me round in circles of
joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down.Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight? Back
home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his
eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket.That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again.
The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good
talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said: "Mr Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in thehospital." I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless.I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tearsin my eyes. My god, how could this happen? Throughout the funeral, hubby did say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at
me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people.
That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the
bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...
I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if...
In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother.
Part 2
Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a
strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self pity and
could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are
going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the
words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had rather he hit
me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these
events happening had been my fault at all. Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by,hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart. One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass
window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly
brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that
moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared
hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there is no
need to say anything.
The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me, challenging me.I can only hear my slow heartbeat, beating, one by one as if at the
brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me. That night, he did not come home, he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following mother's death, so did our love for each mother. He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff.
I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain
everything to him vanished. I lived alone; I went to my medical checkups alone, my
heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through
the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting
the baby, I told them No, I will not. I insisted on having to this baby,
perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death. One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole
house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it.
In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to
find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I
will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like
mine. As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you
cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out
from there. After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging
tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pull e paper towards me.
Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the
paper to him.
"LD, you are pregnant?" Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said:
"Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other. Hubby slowly moved overme, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, sofar that even if I should sprint, I could never reach them.
I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me, I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant,in front of that girl, that cold cold look in his eyes, I will never forget,ever.
We have drawn such deep scar in each other's heart. For me, its unintentional;
for him, totally intentional. I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated! Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally
cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't
take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love
had vanished from my heart. Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in
mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I
kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he
would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he
would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time, I cared for him
and am concerned because there is love, but now, what is there between us?
Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing all the way till baby was born.
Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of itstacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no
longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in
his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is
now addicted to web surfing, but none of that matters to me anymore.It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing
into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting
for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding
my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brown, throughout the journey to
the hospital.
Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed mymind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did? He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in, his warm
eyes caused me to managed a smile at him despite my contraction pain.
Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, his eyes
tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand.
Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the
floor. I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired
eyes of his ... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but
the truthis, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that
moment.
Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was
already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last
this long. I asked the doctor when did he first discover he had cancer? Doctor
said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral."
I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room
and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me. Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I
had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son: "Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look
at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life,
you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany
you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no long
has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties
and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with
these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion ... Son, after writing
these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through your life journey.
To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has
suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most..."
From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work
and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.
Hubby has also written a letter for me:
"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have
caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby... My
dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank
you for loving me... These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son
personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging..."
Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over
and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..." He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang thought the air as tears
slowlyrolled down my face...
Jacqueline
7:07 AM
