Lost
My inner strength, my anger, my pride...they are all dead the day I lost my dreams. Losing your dream is enough to kill a person mentally. It takes a long time to get out of it. A grown woman doesn't panic because she made a wrong turn. When the road gets too narrow, there is no way to turn around. She simply keeps going until she finds her way again. There is no time for regret, no time to think and reflect. Lost, find your own way.
Daddy and Mummy always bring up an incident that happened when I was 4 years old. We used to frequent the then Sogo shopping centre. I got lost during a visit down there and worried the hell out of my family members. My brother was so worried that he almost cried. They searched the whole level. Daddy spotted me first. Then Mum. Together, they hid behind a pillar and observed me. (Apparently, they find that amusing. I don't.) I was crossing my palm at my back walking around steathily, searching for them. No worries, no tears, no shouts. Then, my brother found me. He, excitedly held my hand and hugged me while I kept quiet. Then I spotted my parents behind the pillar.
That was what they told me. I remember only fragments of it. How did I feel then? Was I really that brave? Where have I gone to? As a little girl as compared to now, I am filld with shame. Where am I?
Standard NCO course: Chosen course ic after Yanlin. Officers said that I was serious and steady. They all thought I know what to do. My voice was loud and firm.
That was what they told me. I remember only fragment of it. I felt shaken then. Nobody realised the change in the frequency of my voice. But, still, I carried out the whole task with no sabotage. Where am I? Where has my voice gone to?
Lost, I lost them all, lost all of them. The pride, the courage, the strength, everything, in a day. The bitter day when I lost my dreams.
Jacqueline
6:34 PM
Sometimes, just sometimes,patience is a cowardice. Men put restrictions on men, all because, I supposed, cowardy. Fear to offend others, fear of spoiling relationships, fear to break the seemingly peaceful facade. Maskenfrieheit. Arm Length distance. Defence. Smiles. I am patient, I am a coward.
Jacqueline
9:42 AM
Burnt out...
I am jaded. I don't know what is expected of me, what I expect of others or what is happening around me. The expectation on me is too great for me to shoulder. Ask around, which tuition teacher teaches 4 subjects for $150 dollars while fetching the pupil
home and playing the role of a part
time nanny? Which friend agrees in doing everything and even carrying your racket
home after a tired game when her own bones are cracking under her weight? Which sister spends all the hard earned
money in buying what her younger brother desires? Which woman in her early 20s, in her right state of mind, will bother to spend
time with 10 year old kid at
home just so to ease others burden? I know, I rant. I am not complaining about the sacrifices because I could have rejected the above all. I don't even want to claim recognition over them. All I want is a break. If i did not volunteer for something, don't EXPECT me to do so. It's something like you help and the expectation builds on you. Then you try hard to meet the increasing expectation. You try and try and eventually you lose it. I am losing it. I am tired. I am a human. I cannot be Miss Nice lady all the
time. I have pride, I have temper. I need a break.
Jacqueline
6:51 PM
Olympics
I was watching Susilo and Li Jia wei's lost dreams and felt thankful that I am not a sportsman. I respect them, really do. But I cannot display good sportsmanship. I admit it. I don't like failures, I hate to lose in anything and everything. I know, I am the world's greatest loser. Therefore, for all the respect to the Olympic competitors representing Singapore, my respect is double that. My heart practically stopped when I watched the north Korea player deliever that potent game point. It killed the hope of so many Singaporean. But in a way, it doubles our respect for the players. As if dealing with the pressure of the game is not enough, our star players need to shoulder the hope of many. I would have lost grip of the racket and sent it flying past the table hitting the competitor's face.
I cannot concentrate. No, I mean, I annot get to START preparing for the accounts test. Yes, I am driving myself to the grave, I am now subconsiously (as many psychologists feel) making what I think I cannot do happen. But then again, if it is subconscious, how would I know what I am feeling? Argh! Bother. I am going to sleep. Catch Lee jia wei's match at 6pm this evening.
Jacqueline
2:31 PM
Dad was driving me to school yesterday when we heard the interview with
somebody great(plead guilty to being ignorant)in Malaysia. As we all know, (even though some of us shun newspapers)Singapore's relationship with Malaysia has been rocky for the past few years. The Radio Deejay was trying to understand the problem between the two countries, dicerning any other political affairs that is linked to the problem. I am a Singaporean and my impression of Malaysia has never been too great since young. In fact, my animosity held till college. It is only now, when I got to know this Malaysian friend, that my impression changes, a little. Perhaps Singapore is too small. Everywhere Malaysian goes, they meet the same people with the same behaviour doig the same things that irk them. Malaysia, on the other hand, is bigger. I didn't realise the difference between east Malaysia and west, not until my friend told me about it. Things between my friend and I change a little when we got past the stage of understanding and bearing each other's vices because we
'just got to know'. The politeness, the benevolence diffuse in the air. As I have mentioned in the earlier entry, expectations changed.
I realised that difference exist in every countries. If you wish to pursue an education, if you wish to migrate, no matter where you go, you have to respect the country's way of doing things. This is the basic requirement but as time passes, people who have grown influential in their own countries seem to have forgotten that. There is a chinese idiom, ru4 xiang1 sui2 su2, meaning that one should follow the custom and traditions of a village once you enter it. The idioms are not created out of boredom.
Singaporeans, frequently termed 'arrogant', may really be arrogant. Look at it from many perspectives. The executves dealing with national meetings are mostly respectable men in Singapore. Under well established companies, holding the knowledge that Singapore is so little as compared to China, will we put down our pride and play our role of a subservient being that comes from a country that
"will be drowned with all Chinese from China spit at our island"? While we are accused at being arrogant because we held our pride, aren't they simply rude and extremely arrogant to come up with such description? We may be insensitive, pampered or even unaware of how small we are, but that is the way we are brought up with. That is the way we lived. We are not brought up with social study textbooks telling us how miserable we are, how there is no such thing as merlion and what we saw was a mere lion with 4 legs running for it's life from hunters, or even how THE GREAT CHINA will sink our island with saliva or whatever body juices they can come up with. We reserve our right to be proud of our country, and we are not afraid to admit it.
Jacqueline
8:14 AM
Heart of Gold
What is Your Heart REALLY Made of? brought to you by Quizilla
Jacqueline
9:05 PM
Expectations
"Life is made up expectations, everything we do revolves around the word 'expectation' ", my friend Andrew once said. He was one true person whom I met in WSS when I was teaching one and the half years ago. I was almost reluctant to meet him in Coffee Bean then when I got to know that he wanted to preach to me about Christ. I am guilty for I must be the hardest person to convert. My questions and rebutts were endless. I must have been really mean. Thinking back now, what he said did mak sense. Everything we do is linked to it. Our expectations of jobs, of television programs, of life partners, of friends, of families...etc. It never ends. Have you ever wondered how is it that you can be angry at your boyfriend for forgetting your birthday and not your neighbour? Expectation. Or that you are upset for a friend's behaviour at not at the other friend who behaved in the same way? Expectation. I am known for having extremely high expectations. That's why mum says I am never happy. Maybe the demand for high expectation is innate, or I built it due to past failures. Either way, I am trying to control my expectations. Right now, high expectations only hold in certain aspects of my life. I learnt to be more lenient in my judgements. My daily talk with Jasline came upon the topic on cheating men. Jasline was firm in not forgiving him. For me, I was unable to come up with a solution. I cannot forgive, but I don't think I have the strength in me to be that firm. I thought of day and night, but I have no idea how I will react. I am always firm, but what will I do? Florence will slap me to remind me if I immersed too deep into a relationship. That is our pact. But will I still remember this pact when I sink too deep in? What will it be like? I am tempted to lick the forbidden fruit... like how I licked cherries... Haha..
Jacqueline
8:16 PM
National day.
Today is the 39th Birthday of Singapore. It brings me back to four years ago whereby my mates and I took part in the parade. The training was tedious, hectic. But the fun... it was uncomparable. It was the year of O'level or Sec 3. It was a bad year. The amount of stres, the training, the physical and mental toil... But come every week, every saturday and things will be fine. We bitch on the journey to Kallang stadium, we had the power, the spirit in us. We thought that was the toughest time in our lives but we were so wrong. Ironically, looking back, it was the greatest time, one of the golden momment in my life. I wish the memory will stay forever so that I can tell them to my children, then grandchildren... I am only 20 and am already thinking of being grandma, get a grip Jacq,find your grandpa first.
I woke up at 7.30am today. I should have followed Mum to the National Day walk and jog but I overslept. Sorry Jasline, I was really determined to interview the MP. But it's okay, there is still meet-the-people session every week. I will try my best ok? da brought me to Mac Ritchie reservoir today. Had been a long time since I last got in touch with Nature. I would have posted the photos I took with my handphone. The quality, the effect were great. I brought out the essence of nature. What a shame, I got to get the infrared port as my computer advisor, Yun, advised. Thanks dear. had a short blading session. I really lost my touch. Dad tried on my blades thinking it was easy. Hahaha.. My elder brother and him were so alike when they first tried blading. Took real big steps. That's really too risky for me. I prefer to take things slow. Used to be just like them, but I am afraid of failures. Yeh... Not going to broach on it anymore.
We had a great feast after our nature walk. Then, as usual, we went to gramps place. His Hainanese Chicken rice is still as potent as ever. There were beef stew, assam fish, lotus root... I love gramps. I had a great day. You?
Jacqueline
11:30 PM
Weekend
My weekend was good. Despite the heavy commercial law lecture in the morning, I had a great time with Florence at the pictures. If you are in for romance, I suggest you watch Notebook. It may not be as passionate or as great as what you have in your mind, but it's the most practical show. The love in the show is so genuine, so real. It's love, tiffs, love, pain, love. Wherever love heads, it will still return to love. I have learnt also that everlasting love is not equivalent to staying in love with the person forever and ever, spending every single momment together. It is spending time occassionally but ending it together. It was a sad movie. Sad, but sweet. The movie gives you hope in love and plants in thoughts of love that will stay with you all the way until next day. It was a great Saturday.
Sunday was equally fun. Finally managed to get together with Yilin and Florence. We went swimming and created a whirlpool in the peaceful pool. For a momment, my age, no, our age dropped by half. Yilin was so hilarious with those antics that I laughed till my sides hurt. Florence really lost control when Yilin is around. What etiqutte, she forgot them the momment we got together. It was fun. We had a hilarious time. Then, we had lunch at Siam Kitchen. Great great lunch. Lunch is always great when you have great company. Had been a long time since I last felt so alive. The craziness is still there, we are still young, life is still devoid of worries, adulthood is not reached, I am still a happy young child unaware of the world. I want to swim my life away forever.
Jacqueline
6:29 PM
you are paleturquoise
#AFEEEE |
Your dominant hues are green and blue. You're smart and you know it, and want to use your power to help people and relate to others. Even though you tend to battle with yourself, you solve other people's conflicts well.
Your saturation level is low - You stay out of stressful situations and advise others to do the same. You may not be the go-to person when something really needs done, but you know never to blow things out of proportion.
Your outlook on life is bright. You see good things in situations where others may not be able to, and it frustrates you to see them get down on everything.
|
| the spacefem.com html color quiz |
Jacqueline
7:14 AM
Jay's fifth album is out. Everything is beyond imagination. If you think that it's still the sme mutterings and Rnb's, you are wrong. It's Rnb alright, but the space for your imagination to roam is beyond imagination. The theme of the album is on WAR, peace. He was wearing this General uniform. Marshal.(pause) Sorry for the pause, a sudden image of Wee leng's lovestruck face flashed across my mind) Er hem..
Check out track 1
. very special. A little similar to niang zi. Of course, the qi li xiang. You can practically see this marshal in a torn and tattered uniform holding out his hand to a flower, thinking of his lover, feeling the urge to stick the flower behind her ear. Then there is
. It's melody is soothing. You heal immediately. It speaks of a very pure love, very innocent. Love based on acceptance, sweet~. But then again, there are not enough slow songs. I can't get enough of them. Ye Hui Mei is too closed to perfect. Track 1,2,3 and 9. All the slow songs are amazing. Track 9. Marked it.
Jacqueline
11:15 PM
I feel way better after letting part of everything that I have been swallowing down to Bey. Guess distance is not a problem. Nowadays, the only people that I really keep in contact with often are my three friends in Australia, ironically. Maybe I should stay there, period. Life, with all it's unexpected twist, is slowly driving me to the edge. I am left hanging there, unable to move, unable to shout or call for help. One more misunderstanding and the miserably thin twig will crack. My yoyo theory is taking effect. Life is pit-low. Maybe I subconciously made it pit low. Nevertheless, I am used to it.
I am STILL not talking to my brother and tomorrow is 3rd of August, meaning that Jay's album will be here tomorrow. Last night I dreamt that we spoke like before. It was so real until Sin jie kicked at my bed. Just in case you haven't noticed, we are sleeping together now. Thanks to her previous nanny and her big mouth. That nanny of hers was bad mouthing my mother, saying how Sin Jie is losing weight(that is utter bullshit, everyone knows her cpmplexion turns pink only when she live with us), how she should sleep with me(damn it, there goes my privacy), how bad my mother's dumpling tastes(Hello, my mum's cooking has never been criticised, not even world's greatest cook. To think my mum even offer her.) Then she went on bad mouthing her as if we owed her 1000000000000000 billion dollars. Life is unfair. I don't see this as misunderstanding. This is too much. You are kind and they make use of you. Distant and you are antisocial. Quietand shy and you are arrogant. Never try to please anybody becauise you always end up pissing everyone. Just concentrate on your own happiness. Don't be silly, don't be like me, Don't feed on the happiness of others.
Jacqueline
9:32 AM
