Tuesday, May 25, 2004


I am going nuts.
I am...

There are times in life whereby I do things for a purpose, not out of goodwill. And because of that, I always feel guilty to the core. While I always complain how scheming people are, how impossible it is to be so capable of keeping up with changing faces, I can't believe that I am like that too, at times. Is it pride or is it a habit to protect myself? I feel evil. I cannot come to terms with myself and what I feel. What am I trying to prove when I do things to a large extent? Do i do that out of sincerity or was it an obligation? There are also other times whereby I feel that I have never done anything for myself. Putting others in front of me has gradually become a habit, a habit that is good, bad.. I have no idea. i guess I live for others because my life is not really as worthy as others. And why do I feel that way? I have no idea either. My organisational behaviour notes said that we have to re-examine ourselve to improve on our behavior. Utter bullshit! The more I examine myself, the more evil and pure I feel. And that is feeling 2 extreme feelings at a go. That's why I am a self-claimed Schizo. I tend to have very paradoxical views in me. And the worst part is, I cannot separate the 2 extreme thoughts. I am so confused. Yes, what is the point of knowing so much? I guess thinking is a natural process. You can't control it.

Must be the lack of sleep. Have been out the whole night. I am deadbeat. Time to hit the...BED.




Jacqueline
10:41 AM






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