mums..
I feel...
What is it with the blind pursue of high education? I see kids carrying heavy bags, I see the fear in their eyes when exam papers are given out, I could practically feel their wild heartbeat, their heart sinking, their hands turning cold... and all these emotional tortures just because of a piece of report card. They cry and I cry for them. Should a child be brought that much pressure. Young children, they are only impressionable kids who want nothing more than to please their parents. Where else, as our age increases, can we get in touch with such pure thoughts?
Yesterday, I went to tuition my boy and like always, the mother stood along the corridoor to ask me how was the Maths homework. I told her casually that recently, he has been quite careless and told her to take note. That was it. I really regretted saying all that because she shouted for her son to come before us and started slapping him. she hit him so hard that I winced at every sound made. The boy did not cry at the first slap. It was only until the second slap then he bursts into tears. Seeing him cry, the mother slapped him even harder. I almost fainted. Then she asked me if I have already checked his school work. He did not show it to me, so I said no. The mother told him to bring the worksheet over and hit him even harder. I don't know how hard she could hit, but I felt really lousy!
Yes, I understand that your daughter, in the previous marriage, went wayward. I understand that he is your only child and you place all your hopes on him. I also understand that he disappoints you by doing things he shouldn't have done. But a child, taken under any consequences, is still a child. I guess we have to blame it on the way Singapore focuses on education. The oldies at MOE had it easy during their time. I bet the top management has difficulty solving Primary 5 Mathematics problems. As far as I can see, they are using the hands of the parents to smother their kids future so that they can achieve what they aimed. So much for turning us into people with cultivated mind! If this pressure keeps adding on, 10 years down the road, all schools will be turned into asylums! Physical violation is unthinkable, but bathering kids emotionally is even more cruel. The very concept makes my heart burn.
I sympathise the children of this century. But there is nothing I can do. I am in no position to do anything. Once again, I am helpless.
"We have no right, we Have no say, and we longed to be free one day.."
I remembered reciting this with the SJAB squad during National day. During then, we made a joke out of it... Looking back..
Jacqueline
7:51 AM
Yet again..
I have been visiting hospitals so frequently that I am able to walk blinfolded and still manage to find my way. I was looking at the patients sleeping and realised how valuable it is, for the patient to open their eyes from sleep. They look so angelic, the precious smile the momment they open their eyes.
I saw the totally wiped-out relatives, accidentally falling asleep in one corner, the bugging frown and the tight lips drawn despite resting. I can't help wondering what would happen if you have tried and tried and you lose the one you love most. Let's face it, we never know what will happen tomorrow. Like how the 13 year old girl got knocked down by the lorry. Did she expect that to happen? Was there a strange feeling that morning? It is yet another heart wrenching news that we read everyday.
Life among many other things, is predestined. Maybe the events in our life really help us to learn, for the better or worse, depending on individuals. The road to a better life is definitely harder to take because what is in stored is much more valuable. (Can't believe I am trying to preach about Buddha teaching while chewing the tastebuds teasing dried beef from Daddy's client!) No, I won't crap about ri4 xing2 yi4 shan4. Devoting your life to charity is admirable but I rather be a nun. I just want a normal life.
Jacqueline
8:12 AM
You are Form 1,
Goddess: The Creator.
"And The Goddess planted the acorn of life.
She cried a single tear and shed a single drop
of blood upon the earth where she buried it.
From her blood and tear, the acorn grew into
the world."
Some examples of the Goddess Form are Gaia (Greek),
Jehova (Christian), and Brahma (Indian).
The Goddess is associated with the concept of
creation, the number 1, and the element of
earth.
Her sign is the dawn sun.
As a member of Form 1, you are a charismatic
individual and people are drawn to you.
Although sometimes you may seem emotionally
distant, you are deeply in tune with other
people's feelings and have tremendous empathy.
Sometimes you have a tendency to neglect your
own self. Goddesses are the best friends to
have because they're always willing to help.
Which Mythological Form Are You? brought to you by Quizilla
I feel...
There are times I have no idea why I do quiz. I guess I don't understand myself well enough. When you are in a circle, you can never see the full roundness of that circle. You need others to tell you what they see. But even if they see the circle, they will never know how it feels to be inside the circle. there is no definite answer and it is all based on what we think, what we feel, how we react to situations or views.
See, I am beginning to think that there is a major contadiction in me that I really cannot come to terms with. I meant to enter something that comes into my mind, but as I type, the thought evolved into another one. The opposite.
"
seem emotionally distant, yet I am deeply in tuned". Whats all that about? I am always caught in between two extremes. The weird thing is, that doesn't make me the average. So far, in my 20 years in life, I have not met anyone that shares the same handicap as me. I feel 2 things at a time. Happy and Jealous, Worried and relieved, Excited and bored...etc. Maybe there is this innate ability to balance everything in my life?
Th thought of laughing cheers me up. Had been a long time since I last laugh like this-->
. I cannot even remember the last time I laughed like that. Yons ago...
Jacqueline
9:52 AM
I am going nuts.
I am...
There are times in life whereby I do things for a purpose, not out of goodwill. And because of that, I always feel guilty to the core. While I always complain how scheming people are, how impossible it is to be so capable of keeping up with changing faces, I can't believe that I am like that too, at times. Is it pride or is it a habit to protect myself? I feel evil. I cannot come to terms with myself and what I feel. What am I trying to prove when I do things to a large extent? Do i do that out of sincerity or was it an obligation? There are also other times whereby I feel that I have never done anything for myself. Putting others in front of me has gradually become a habit, a habit that is good, bad.. I have no idea. i guess I live for others because my life is not really as worthy as others. And why do I feel that way? I have no idea either. My organisational behaviour notes said that we have to re-examine ourselve to improve on our behavior. Utter bullshit! The more I examine myself, the more evil and pure I feel. And that is feeling 2 extreme feelings at a go. That's why I am a self-claimed Schizo. I tend to have very paradoxical views in me. And the worst part is, I cannot separate the 2 extreme thoughts. I am so confused.
Yes, what is the point of knowing so much? I guess thinking is a natural process. You can't control it.
Must be the lack of sleep. Have been out the whole night. I am deadbeat.
Time to hit the...BED.
Jacqueline
10:41 AM
I am weird!
Jacqueline
11:53 AM
Big walk
I feel:
Yesterday was the longest day in my life ever since I am out of SJAB. My day started early at 5am in the morning and ended at 11pm at night. Th Big walk was fun, but the distance was kind of too short. There could have been more costume walkers, but I only caught sight of one. The weather could be one of the deterring factor I guess. It is so hot recently.
The sweltering sun and the piercing rays is enough to fry me alive. I looked like a crab despite my cap. But I was so lucky to be only 20% cooked. After which I headed to the hospital. Spent about 5 hours there. But futile trip,
I am still as helpless.
After which, I took 188 down Xinni's place to visit and help around with my ah ma. The Holland Village house is sold off.
I would very much like to post the picture of it but I still cannot figure out how to upload the pics from my digi. We went to the "zi cha" for dinner and had to wait a full one and the half hour before the food arrive. And we finished the food in half an hour time. Just as we were chatting, I heard a loud commotion behind my seat. There were shattering of glassess as 2 men started to shout and fight.
Then the tall one threw the chair at the short man. And there were some aunties screaming in fear. I was scared stiff. I jumped out of my seat and ran far away. That was when I realised my ah ma still sitting there. *slaps forehead* In all my anxiety, I forgot her. I wanted to rush back but mu mum kept shouting for me to stand further away. Then my uncles went to get her. And my ah ma was still laughing! She saw the cowardy expression on my mother's face and couldn't stop laughing! Nobody knew what happened as my uncles paid while we took leave. Just when we were speculating what had happened, my ah ma exclaimed:"Aiyah, you all don't know? The tall man accuse the short man's wife of stealing his money. He wanted to hit the wife of the shortie and the shortie was protecting his wife and they fought!" To think we were worrying for ah ma's safety while she sat there and listened to what that happened! I asked her if she felt afraid and if she needs tonic to replenish her energy and she couldn't stop laughing again. Tsk..tsk.. my ah ma!
It's strange how people lose their EQ just because of a small affair. Fight, hurt, abuse...
spoiling the peace of others. If we bear with it a little, if we are a bit more true to others, wouldnt it be the best for everyone? Is that hard to accomplish? As always, I end my entry with more questions for the world...
Jacqueline
10:28 AM
Hospitals.. I used to love visiting the hospital. I love the smell that destroys bacteria and germs, the squeaking floor that signifies visitors entry, the brightly coloured walls that cheer patients up, the plain bedsheets that speaks of simplicity, the vending machines of food and cold drinks...
It was until yesterday that I started to detest the hospital. For the same antiseptic smell that speaks of illness and pain, the same squeaking floor that indicate the entry of nurses, needles, the brightly coloured walls as the facade of unspoken loneliness and fear, the plain bedsheets that accentuates the boredom, and the vending machines with unfresh snacks...
I went to the very big playgrounds, the brightly coloured, full of interesting features playground that has been there for years, still as new. The children with kidney failures could only stare at the playground through the windows with large doeful eyes, longing to venture to the playground just like our wish to travel overseas. It was only few steps away. They stared longingly till they slipped into their dreams where they fufil their fantasy, swinging happily, laughing, sliding, their bodies full of energy.
I saw a child, roughly 2 years old, having a cast on his arm. The cast was so heavy that his left side was pulled down by the weight. His tear-stained face spoke of unspoken fear while his other arm hugged his father possessively.
I went to the adult ward, I saw the meals offered to patients and I nearly puked. I was just too polite to say so. Mutton fats in spicy chilli oil and french beans the hardness of a wooden pencil accompanying plain porridge. And even as night falls, no one is allowed to stay. "Hospital's policy," they said. What can be more cruel than to leave patients alone?
What is a life if we can't leave normally?
What is a life if we don't cherish our physical body?
What is a life when we are not given a chice to choose?
What is a life when we have no right over it?
What is a life if there are no more lives around us?
What is a life when we cannot understand what a life is?
Jacqueline
9:58 AM
Get the lazy arse up!
Jac is...
Yeah.. its back to Sports again!
Played badminton today and the feeling was so great! Then I went to meet Lin with Flo at the Agape where Yilin is working. Had been a long time since we last met. Well, at least there is still a Big walk coming along! Can't wait for it!
There is a sense of accomplishment since I get to meet up with friends, catch up, exercise, saw Yiting!
and also to create a blog for Florence! It's supposed to be a surprise but I guess by the time she see this entry, she would have known about it. Hmm.. *pat back* well done Jac! After so long, you finally seem useful.
Oh ya.. there is a quote to share with everyone:
"I like children - fried." WC Fields.
Seriously, I think children are the greatest blessing to a marriage, a family and probably relationships. What can be as magnificent as the tiny frame with the amazing mind that is pure and strong. They have the strongest brain power. They solve things easily, physical problems don't deter them from getting what they want. But of course, they must be brought up properly. If only we have a choice over our life..
Jacqueline
7:42 PM
Big walk.
Had a great time catching up with my sjab kakis last Saturday. Glad that once in a while when our lives threaten to break down, we charge back our energy with the meetups. The KTV session was fun. I don't really understand why I feel the urge to laugh, but a simple action or word set me off.
When we came out, I saw DAVID! Actually he saw me first. I am not sure if it's guilt.. I am always feeling guilty over little things. 
Guilt is gnawing my life away bit by bit.
I don't want to live in guilt, to think of myself as a sinful person. If at this point, any Chritians replied,"WE ARE SINFUL!", I am going to give you a punch that knock your eyes off your socket. You will probably offer the other side to me right? I won't spare mercy! I have enough of being accused of being sinful, yet still, born sinful. Everytime a Christian tells me about sin. I really feel the urge to stuff my umbrella into his mouth. And as I am typing this, I am feeling guilty for imagining such atrocious deeds. But then again.. oh.. btw, PS: no offence to any Christians.
I am going to the Big Walk!!! Nothing beats walking with friends as the long journey is a great opportunity for gossiping.. I mean catching up. I bet 7KM is not even enough for us to finish our 'catching up'! And in the next few days.. Jacq is in control.
Jacqueline
8:33 AM
Troy
I caught Troy yesterday. What an amazing show. Although there wasn't much content except constant bloodshed, it was a great movie. The angles that is focused makes it real and adds more excitment to very plain scenes of brutal killings, or naked bodies.. hahahah! Brad Pitt is soooo professional. Those deep eyes and biceps are potent to kill. So who is 'impotent'? Orlando. okok..All Orlando fans, give me a break! The movie kept swimming in my brain that I couldn't sleep the whole night! When I woke up,the first thing that came to my mind was the movie.If you have read the story about the Trojan Horse, the movie follows quite closely to the text. I am thinking of catching it a second time. then there is Shrek 2 and Harry potter coming up.. Achillies...Achillies heels..
Jacqueline
7:51 AM
wonder kids
It's funny how simple things in life can be made so complicated by adults. Kids are a wonder. What they believe is what they see and most of the time they get away with it. Bugging problems that trapped you for 1 full month may have it's answers found on kids.
The thing is, we try to think of the best solution to solve a problem, measuring every inch, tearing down the problem into parts, weigning the consequences... And when we cannot find the best solution that pleases everyone, we lament, "That's it! I am not going to bother about this anymore". Then we solved the problem using the easiest method, The kids' method.
If we have used the kids' method in the first place, wouldn't more time and trouble, white hairs and pain be saved? That's why few kids have white hair. Don't estimate the strength and wisdom of anyone who seem small and weak.
Simplify your lives, use the kids method. You can never please everybody. There is no full proof method to prevent everybody's heart from getting torn by bullets.
Reduce the complexity of life by eliminating the needless wants of life, and the labors of life reduce themselves. ~Edwin Way Teale
Jacqueline
8:09 AM
still the same old fear
'' I can make it through the rain. I can stand up once again. On my own and I know tat I'm strong enough to mend. And everytime I feel afraid, I hold tight to my fate. And I live one more day. And I make it through the rain. '' ~ Mariah Carey ~
What can fear make a person do? Scream, cry, hide, hurt another person, act aggressive... there are so many threats in life but what can be more potent than fear? The fear of falling in love again,fear of failure, the fear to lose someone, the fear of fear itself. The one that threatens me most is the fear of failure. Filure encompassess many things. The failure in love, the failure in achieving goals, the failure as a leader ..etc. I used to, and still, perceive failure as the deadend in a journey. Not stumbling blocks, DEADENDs. It is immensely hard to start afresh no matter how hard you try. Perhaps I am born lazy, I simply hate the feeling of re-doing things. Like when I was in Primary school, I hate the fact that corrections help you to learn you mistakes. I tried to be exceptional, memorising the answers but no matter how I memorise, it never beats the notion that re writing them down proves to be more effective. And I really hate that. Because of my resistence, I always ended up doing twice the work. Since then, I always believe in going by the way.. I became less idealistic, more laid back. I thought I could change the world from all the conventional thinkings. I was wrong. You have to move along, once you start on the rat race, you have to follow blindly what others set for you. By the time you reach the finishing line, the cheese would have rotted. You probably wouldn't get a nibble of the rotten cheese. Everything in our life is a lose lose situation. So we can't really blame it on failures. Maybe I should blame losers..Or maybe I should blame blame? ...
Jacqueline
8:11 AM
Life is so strange.. we want to forget something but in order for us to forget something we must remember what to forget. That double the pain. Why are we put in the world to suffer so much. Exams are over but the emptiness, the anticipation, the anxiety is still there. Life is such a bitch.
Today my brother had his CIP. There was a Sec1 assigned to their group and the poor boy, being Sec 1, was amatuer to asking people to donate. He was shy, so he on;y managed to mutter: "donate?" That set an uncle into flames. He grabbed hold of the poor boy and shouted at the top of his lungs:" You think I can'y understand what u say? Boy, I am highly eh-zhuu-cated. Look, I am reading newsapaper! ( with that, he shoved the papers into the poor boy's face) Don't think I don't know what you are the word mean? You better apologise or i can call the police one! Duh?? Then he made the boy apologised thrice while grabbing his arm. Nuts! When the thing was settled, he walked away, grabbing people's hand and asking them, "What would you do if you were in my shoes?" Here comes the funny part, here this if you are already upset by the Singaporeans here. A Malay guy answered,"How the hell would I know?". No, this is not the best part. Get ready: The man was pissed off by the reply and shouted, "If you don't know, get out of my way. Fuck.. Fuuuu... and his dentures dropped on the floor with a clak! My brother was too shocked to react. He went around to the back and together with his friends, burst into laughter. The uncle, hurriedly put the dentures back to his mouth and walked away. I thought this kind of stuff only happen in movies, but I guess not..
Yesterday I walked to lot 1 alone to get my therapeutic candies. I walked there, listening to my CD player when I heard a loud hitting sound and a scream. I saw a lady, about my age hitting a guy who is on his stationary bike. The guy sat there like a stone, while the girl when out of control. People were looking and I was kind of shocked to hear the commotion because my CD player was tuned to the highest volume. I did my shopping and when I came out, there was a police car parked in front of the bike. the man and the woman were at a less noticecable place talking. The lady was staring at him straight in the eyes, standing near him while the man stoned himself and stared at the ground.
I didn't know what happened, but I can see the hurt, the pain and the disappointment in the lady's eyes. The guy, he was filled with guilt, remorse and perhaps a little pain. I felt sad for them. How could anyone shout at someone she once loved and most probably still love? Were the talks about everlasting love plain bullshit? What makes the feeling turn sour? Why is the world created in such a way that we suffer? They said that we are paying for our sins. What have we done to deserve all these? Don't bullshit me about God and sins. I hate accusations! What if the meaning to life?
Jacqueline
5:34 PM
...
I have a feeling that my family members are psychic. For all those that know me, you know that what I say always come true. But I am a minor. My Dad is the king of psychics! He dreamt of a series of numbers and told Mum about it. Dad does not gamble and rejects 4D, so Mum bought the number for fun and.. WHAM! First place in the lottery!!! But the winnigs are small because we bought it for fun. I should have placed bets too, but I am so like Dad.
Glad that Mum is happy over it. I came out from the toilet, thinking that no one was at home and imagining things when my Mum popped out from nowhere. Almost had a case of Heart attack. And she was saying something in between shrieks and mumbles. So it's just 4D. I thought I won the NKF car...Oh. not going to touch on that topic anymore.
I have stopped studying altogether. Felt my energy drained out after OB and Accounts. I want to go kite flying, swim, picnic,
ktv, blade, shop... after exams. Thank God Mum for an understanding family. For an elder brother for being such good role model, for a younger brother to let me spend money on, to make me laugh, a kind father to share his experience and thinkings, making me increasingly convinced that we are actually a single soul in two different bodies, and my Mum, for asking me to stop if I can't go on, for providing me endless entertainment. 
Dreamt of Xin Ying last night... A peculiar dream, nevertheless consoling. Mum said that whenever you dream of the deceased, it means that they are protecting you and looking after you from above. Thought of the show 'fei yi ban mama'. How consoling.. But Xin ying is not a deceased. No, everyone is alive and happy...
Saw the news about Westmall's Sportslink shopkeeper who got stabbed to death. He was only 17. How bad can it be? Can you imagine the mother's hurt, shock, pain of bringing up her child for 17 years sharing laughter and tears and having to lose him all of a sudden in such gothic ways. I bet she felt every stab that was plunged into his flesh. And the murderer.. Doesn't he think for his parents and others' parents? Is killing able to resolve hatred, however strong.
Judging from what is happening to Singapore's younger population, the kids are really way too pampered. Spare the rod and spoil the child. The parents are not the only ones to be blamed. I cannot emphasised more on how MOE also plays a part in shaping our children today. Like what they themselves claim "mould the future" 
Jeez~ What is the point of asking the females to give birth to more kids, treating us like machines when our children are going to turn out to be fight initiaters, little emperor and empress, or worse, murderers. I looked at the news with distaste everyday.. Maybe, maybe armageddon is really here. Folks, Spend your money! Eat! Have Sex! There is no time left!!! 
Jacqueline
10:37 AM
