Seeking Solace

Let me die, let me join u.
I feel the knife coming,
I can't see where it comes from.
I am dead
My fingerprints on the knife.

Jacqueline
9:18 AM

So much has been happening yet they seemed so insignificant to me at times. How do I put this peculiar feeling into plain simple words. Life is so compromising a momment and so demanding another momment. I guess that tests the strength of every individuals. Been immersed in the nostalgia lately and it seemed hard for me to pull myself out to the present world. However great the inertia, I managed to climb out and faced the world, therefore, (finally) blogging about my on goings.

Things are well though I kinda feel a little aged as time passes. April, the month of bankruptcy...However, I AM looking forward to the picnic with the SJAB gang. It's so easy to get things organised with so many initiative leaders in the group. Just wanted a gathering, not a birthday celebration. A gathering for me to swim in the sea of nostalgia, to communicate with long lost friends... How wonderful.

Right... had been shopping for gifts like I have not spent any money in the late 10 years. The cash outflow.. (Whoohoo.. not going to touch on the Acct topic) Nevertheless, I have visited all the shopping malls in the West. Venturing to another area.. Saw this Punch bag in one of the Sports shop in Jurong point. Ahhhh... damn cute!!!I love it and I am saving. it's reasonably expensive but I will get it...After this month of bankruptcy. If only Nigel will understand my love for sports and not technology or shopping, I would have gotten 3 set of punchbags with gloves! Why insist on money, phones, discman or vouchers... But nevertheless.. i love whatever he gives, or whatever anyone gives because, just because i appreciate. The thought, enough can satisfy me. Aint I easy to please?... well, only in some areas. Ooops~ I still have my selective perfectionalist attitude.

Natal Month number: 6
Naturally self-disciplined, Jacqueline will have assumed responsibility for other family members from an early age. She is naturally supportive of both the young and the old in her immediate family, and has a capacity for hard work, so there is a danger that her life may become a little too serious. Jacqueline is suited to social work, charitable functions or the world of education.

Natal House number: 6
With an analytical brain, and holding strong views, Jacqueline may appear to be somewhat stubborn. She is likely to have a particular interest in technological matters, and will work long and hard to master the skills needed to put that technology to good use. Family-orientated and good with money, she will work best with a small circle of like-minded colleagues.

Comments based on Western Grid

1

Although Jacqueline may be reasonably talkative in public, she finds it difficult to express personal feelings to those closest to her. In employment terms, this inhibition is of little consequence.

44

A good organiser with creative ability, Jacqueline is inclined to concentrate on pursuits that bring material success, to the exclusion of all else. She likes to take a project from beginning to end, and will work long and hard to achieve success in her chosen field. Potentially, there is something of the craftsman in Jacqueline, who could well enjoy the creation of beautiful objects.

7

Jacqueline will find life's lessons hard to learn. She will suffer from loss (of possessions or those she loves) before questioning the cause of that loss. It is likely that Jacqueline will develop a faith of some sort, and although it need not necessarily be a religious faith, it will nevertheless be something that she holds onto against all the evidence. Potential employers need to find out what that faith entails.

8

Good with details and with a methodical approach, Jacqueline nevertheless is someone who enjoys constant new challenges to maintain her interest. She is a methodical individual with attention to detail, but is inclined to leave tasks unfinished if her active mind alights on something of greater interest. Routine tasks that fail to challenge her intellect are at greatest risk, so Jacqueline needs a job that offers variety.

9

Ambitious to improve her lot, Jacqueline will constantly push forward to achieve something in her life, yet this ambition will be balanced by humanitarian ideals that will lead her to support causes that may demand self-sacrifice.
[The Arrow of Activity: the numbers 7, 8 and 9] Enjoying the outdoors, Jacqueline is someone who will perform best by being busy. She dislikes confined spaces, and needs both physical and mental exercise. A good walk in fresh air is an intellectual catalyst like no other to Jacqueline, whose need to be constantly occupied is an asset to any employer.
[The Arrow of Practicality: the numbers 1, 4 and 7] Good with her hands, Jacqueline is a natural craftsman who will work for as long as it takes to secure a perfect result. Capable and practical, she gets on well with others at all levels of society. If Jacqueline does not pursue a practical trade, it will be important to develop a subsidiary practical interest to complement her main employment.

Comments based on Chinese Grid

1

Jacqueline will make some money and enjoy a reasonable standard of living.

3

Unless Jacqueline also has in the Chinese version either the numbers 5 and 7, or the numbers 4 and 8, she will be hypersensitive and prone to stress-related problems.

4

Intelligent and logical, Jacqueline is not someone who acts rashly on the spur of the moment.

7

If the numbers 3 and 5 in the Chinese version are missing, Jacqueline is something of a perfectionist who seeks to achieve detailed accuracy, and has a natural instinct to unearth the truth. If the Chinese Grid also contains the numbers 3 and 5, she will be attracted to work in a spiritual or humanitarian field.

8

In the absence (in the Chinese version) of the numbers 1 and 6, she will be good with money and details. She will be happier if the Chinese grid includes the numbers 5 and 7.

9

Although Jacqueline is ambitious, her ambition is tempered with humanitarian ideals.
[The Arrow of the Planner: 3, 4 and 8] Jacqueline has a cunning approach that borders on the unethical. She will flourish in those areas of business life that reap rewards from the misfortunes of others.

Jacqueline
11:17 AM

Been busy with group project but I believe that after this coming Thursday, life would be much much better. Life is well.. watched Scooby doo 2 last Friday. Every Friday is a movie day but I am now saving money so that I am able to buy my mother a real Diamond ring for Mother's Day. Yes, I plan early because so many birthdays are coming up..eh wee? haha.. better stop teasing you..

yah, wouldn't be blogging so often because I am changing my internet connection from broadband to star hub. so long.. take care!

Below is what I found in my overflooded mail and one of the most interesting one I have seen. I found this meaningful for those who have lost their love, for those who refused to keep themselves from pining their lost love.

> >There was a scholar who was to marry his fiancée, but on the day of marriage, his fiancée changed her mind
>and married someone else. The scholar was devastated and fell ill. His family sought all kinds of medical
>treatment for him, but still he showed no sign of recovery. They were about to give up hope on him when a
>wandering monk passed by. After learning about the scholar's condition, the monk walked to the scholar's
>bed and took out a mirror for the dying man to see. In the mirror, the scholar saw a vast ocean, and the
>naked body of a murdered woman lay on the beach.
> >>
> > A man passed by, looked at the body, shook his head and left.
> >> Another man who passed by saw the body, took off his robes to cover the body and left.
> >> Finally came a man passing by who saw the body, dug a hole and laid the body carefully to rest before
> >> burying it.
>
>The scene in the mirror suddenly changed. The scholar saw his fiancée in a nuptial chamber
>and another man was lifting her wedding veil... The scholar blinked at the monk, confused. Slowly the monk explained, "The woman whose body you saw on the beach was your fiancée in her previous life.
>In your previous life, you were the second man who gave her his robes to cover her body. To repay your kindness
>in this lifetime, she loved you for a period of time and became your fiancée. However, ultimately the man
>whose favour she has to return for the rest of her life is the third man who buried her. And that
> > >man is now her husband. " Enlightened, the scholar sat up and recovered from his depression. It is truly amazing-this thing called "Fate".
>
> >> Fate is not something meant to be forced upon. What is yours will eventually come to your arms; what is not
> > yours will never come to be. In any case, we should not lose heart and give up on our hopes for love that
> >>is true, good and beautiful. The value of life, in a certain sense, is determined by the maturity of how
>we love. Of how we accept love. Treasure what you have... Time is too slow for those who wait;
>Too swift for those who fear; Too long for those who grief; Too short for those who rejoice;
>But for those who love... Time is Eternity!

Jacqueline
1:23 PM

Tortured by Stress: Jacq lapsed into-->

Stressed has slowly creeped its way to the top of my body, suffocating me, pressing hard on my chest. I developed this real bad wheeze and everytime I think of DEADlines the same feeling creeps back. But thank God, I mean thank my guardian angels, that each time I am stressed up by DEADLINES somehow, miraculously, my students will cancel the tuition sessions with me. I love my angel. Yiting just cancelled the session with me and all I need is to think. Maybe I am Psychic.

-Don't feel like blogging all of a sudden- Battery dead. Please Recharge.

Jacqueline
7:37 PM

.....

You are the chinese element of Metal. People who
are under the element of Metal are organized,
discriminating and tidy. Metal, you are a
trigger, and also very controlling and hate
being wrong. The color of metal is white and
your symbol is the tiger. Autumn is the season
in which metal shines, and it's months are
July/August. Your weather condition is clear.
Metal is the direction of west, and your day is
Friday, while your planet is Venus. Animals
under your element are usually furred. People
under you are Tibetan. Your sense is smell,
your taste is acrid/spicy, your sound is
lamenting and your virtue is righteousness.
Your organ are the lungs. You were created by
Earth and control Wood.

Which of the 5 Chinese Elements Are You?
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This is true. My Dad told me that my element is Gold because of my birthdate and time. Interesting.

.....

.....

I am so vexed. Accounting sucks big time. I thought that after handing up my accounts assignment I would whooped with joy despite having the group project and Business Computing assignment DEADline. How do I put it? I actually did something I have not done for ages...I scribbled nonsense on my account assignment because I was too stressed by the environment and all the things that had happened. Guess that is wht they say the environment is what that shapes me eh? But then again, I am not the kind that crumbles under stress. Perhaps it's the psychology shaped by the environment. (!!! I just realised it, that can be used as an arguing factor in the group project! Jasline!!!) See, I did it again, I subconsciously think of my workload again. they were right when they said that they can forsee me as a workaholic... Sign... I knew that I would have a real ugly grade for my Accounts assignment because I saw my friends' work and their standard of work, compared to mine...are poles apart.

Why!?!?!?

Well... I didn't really try very hard for the assignment but I have tried hard to try... Ooops.. I can't help it if I am not Mathematcally inclined.

Anyway, somehow i was cheered up by Yingzhi. Had been such a long long time since I last met her. I knew that I need a dose of movie and some tablets of Archie for my stress and insominia. Watched The Runaway Jury and the movie was heaps good. Would recommend all of you to watch. Then I tried the Shroom burger. KFC is really not moving on with the changes. Look at Dear Ronald... The Shroom burger tastes okay, but the sauce is actually that of the whipped potato's. I have no problems with whipped potato sauce, in fact, I Love it. But I think that isn't very creative of them. So much for a "NEW" burger. And the burger alone costs $2.50. Jeez..

Anyway, I am really stressed up, all wrinkled and curled up...ready to explode. but, I have EQ and I will not yi4 ban1 jian4 shi4. I am going to be wan2 mei3 wu2 que1... An effective leader is one that possessed the ability to motivate employees...Jacq, Stop it!!!...she must be emotionally intelligent....JACQ! okok.. :X

Jacqueline
8:27 AM

Why do people shift the blame to others? Because they are guilty. Why do people feel guilty? Because they believe that they are at fault? Blaming on others is the most unfair thing. It is no different from accusation.

I have been accused so many times by so many people. The scars have been inflicted onto my heart so many times and everyone someone does that, it feels like the blood is about to gush out anytime. Perhaps it's because accusation arises from the lack of trust, the channeling of blame, and the untruth in the situation. I can't take it lying down that trust is breached and a minor situation highlights the little faith others have in you when you have always thought otherwise. It hurts to think that friendship cannot withstand the test of a minor event. but then again, it's time like this whereby u have to acccept the harsh reality.

I get real affected when people blame you on things you have never done just so to run away from their fault. Consciously or unconsciously. This is what many people have done to me. I have lost count. Time and time again, I get sick even at the thought of pushing away the accountability. There is no difference between consiously or unconsciously, cos in the end u still hurt others. However, uncounscious makes a person more redeeming.

Another reason attributable to why I hate accusation is the lack of element of truth in the whole situation. I am not talking about the holistic truth cos there can't be any truth in the world but I reject anything that is miles away from the truth. If we can't even live honestly in the world, why bother to carry on with your life.

I see who you are, why and how you feel. thanks for helping me to figure out.

Jacqueline
7:34 AM

ToDaY's MoOdssSSSsssSS:

Now in Ngee Ann using win's laptop (Really sorry to bother you girl.

Argh!!! I can't do Accounting. Hate it, absolutely detest it. To all accounts guru, I take my hat off you! Really, can't even find the information I need on the net. Really fed up. And somehow tyhe photos refused to be uploaded. I may need your help Yun. You gotta help me... Ahhhh!!!! very tired, very vexed now. I was in school at 8.30 am in the morning and yet nothing much was achieved. So fed up. And then the project mate is so unpredictable. Perhaps it's her family background, perhaps its what Rena termed as 'differences in National Culture' or perhaps everything dates down to her PMSing. Either way, the normally good natured me just couldn't be bothered with tempermental changes when I myself am working hard on my EQ too. Don't really feel like blogging all of a sudden. I WANT PEACE!

Jacqueline
3:16 PM

HAd been raining for a full day.. so cold.. cold...

Great time with yun and gang in marina. This time round we have Jian jun as our ke4 chuan4. We went Marina to have steamboat and for the first time I enjoyed steamboat. Not exactly the food, but the crowd, the company. Along the way we saw big big spiders... probably as hungry as we were. Took snippets of pics... waiting for dearest win to help me post. Most prob. tomorrow. We went KTV. Unlike pub's hip hop night, ours was rock n roll day. Cool huh, rapping like reciting sutra. Then again, there were short breaks such as Yiru's ming zhu song.. all from my Fair Princess. Just a reminder Yun... Yiru said qin peng GOU you. hahah...we promised to tease her no end. -evil grin- Thanks for the wonderful time. Next time we shall go picnic at East Coast. Remember, the next time its at East Coast huh. Picnic, sun tan. The theme would be -Beach boys and girls-

Assignments are killing me. Such slow death, slow and sweet... lession about to start. Blog in more later. Till then.. miss all of ya. Bey, Jay... miss you!!!

Jacqueline
9:19 AM

Your Energy is Green. You are easygoing, stable
and bring feelings of peace and natural harmony
to those in your presence. You have good
perception and awareness about most things, but
you don't apreciated sudden surprises.

You are a natural healer and would make an ideal
physician, office manager, herbologist,
anthropologist, or Accountant.

What color is your energy?
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Yah.. that is me. I hate surprises. Hahaa.. sometimes the quiz can be real accurate. But I would have preferred purple vibe, except for the religious bit. Read the purple one.

Purple Vibes

Your Energy is Purple. You are a visionary with
unmatched intuition and spiritual
consciousness. The mystical world and
unexplainable forces fascinate you. There
resides in you a true dignity and nobility, and
others see you as a worthy leader, and loyal
friend. You are often very mature, with a deep
understanding of human nature, and you will
instinctively encourage and guide others toward
their full potential.

You find it natural to express yourself
aesthetically and artistically, you may be
involved in the artistic professions, a
religious organization, or in activities that
have a degree of ceremony and ritual. You would
make a good therapist, healer, psychic, or
entrepreneur.

What color is your energy?
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Had a rather fun day with Yilin although my day started at 9am. Thanks for taking time and being there with me with the little time you had. Above all reports and tests, thanks pal. We went Holland V. Ah ma has sold the house. So sad... It holds so much memories, so so much. How I wish I have the financial ability to get it back someday. But then again, it would never be the same again. Went with lin to Haagen Daz today. The Toffee Creme and the cookies and Creme tasted so great, and the ambience was so wonderful that I wished that I could stay there forever. The waiters... though a bit weird, are of much entertainment. Well, I guess anyone and everyone is entertaining when you are with yilin. That girl.. hai... so explicit. (o'v'o) Spare Me.. There is one waiter, I bet he is at least 2m tall because when Yilin sat down, she was at the waist level.. Lucky I did not laugh.

Don't know what is wrong with me lately...Hai.. Spoiling all relationships.. Hee hee. got Jia en a wonderful wonderful wonderful birthday present. Though it costs a bomb, but friends for almost half my life.. I wouldn't spare. Going to sleep now...My cloud..my harp...Night little angels.

Jacqueline
11:05 PM

Set yourself free,
Free from all burdens and responsibilities,
Free from people's accusation,
Run from their acquisition

Spread your wings and fly,
Free the vault and cry,
Escape with the wind,
Above all sin, above the din

Keep your healing power,
Save it for all those worthier,
For the soul cringes at the hurt and pain,
And the rejection of goodwill a fragile heart has to sustain.

Set yourself free,
Peace and simplicity you will see.
For you are never needed,
For you never want to be hurt.

Jacqueline
10:51 PM

Your and Innocent Unicorn! Innocent Unicorns are
very pure and good. They are the rarest of
types and sadly, are being hunted. Thats
because an Innocent Unicorn horn once removed
from the head, is worth alot of money, and if
left in holy water for a day, will turn into
diamond. Young Innocent Unicorns always stay
close to their mothers, and always will stand
by there side even when they grow. Innocent
Unicorns are said to be the friends of angels
and can dance on moonbeams. Innocent unicorns
represnt virginty, goodness, pureness, and
love. They always value friendship, and
familly, and are facinated by humans. Innocent
unicorns are shy, but if friends for someone,
its a friend to the end.

What kind of Unicorn are you? (With beautiful pictures)
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The wonders of rainbow, unicorns, angels...Take me away, I want to touch a rainbow, I want my hands to go through the clouds, I want to ride a unicorn. I don't really want to play with the angels though, I am too evil and I don't want to taint them. But baby angels are okay, they wouldn't know what evil things I have done. Maybe I can meet carebear too. I want to fly..fly. I want to steal the blinking stars, watch them sparkle on my palm. I want to throw them down to create more meteors, or bring some for friends who are down. I want to sit at the end of Milky way to see the cowherd and the maiden's very true and pure love. I do hope they wouldn't have sex, Cos it would be hard on the maiden for her to look after the kids alone for so many years. I don't want to see Chang e or the rabbit because it is too commercialised in the mortal world, and I don't really like mooncakes. I want to meet cupid though. I want to ask him wtf is wrong with the arrows, cure him his cramps and make sure all my friends got their THE ONE. I will meet the pheony fairy and steal the flowers and sprinkle them down so that everyone with nice personality will be beautiful. I will make the birds shit on the ugly personalities one, like Chu Chu in the headless tribe.

I make rainbow my sheltar, make cloud my bed(but make sure that I wouldn't go through it), make stars my light, make doves my messengers, make the melody of harp my Jay, make cupid my right hand man, make baby angels play with me...BUT right NOW, I will make my home my rainbow, make my King Koil my clouds, make phones and emails and postman my messengers, make Jay my harp, and make all my family and friends my baby angels and be my own cupid, to listen and to offer advice......

Jacqueline
7:27 AM

Congrats! Your a Pure Angel! Angels, as far as most
of them go, are all compatabile creatures, but
Pure ones simply are symbols of God. Pure
Angels always appear when a child is born, when
a rainbow is seen, or when someone shares their
first kiss. They never grow old, an can appear
in the shape of a naked woman with white, bold
wings. Pure angels are the carriers of god, and
show their love to everyone in the world.

What Kind of ANGEL are you? (For Girls only) This Quiz has amazingly Beautiful Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla

Jacqueline
7:27 AM

Back from Genting trip. Had a real lousy time there. Caught a horrible flu, real bad. Anyway, guess I won't be blogging about it. Had a test yesterday, Business Stats. They were kinda of strict, making us take out our pens and pencils, no pencil case. And the invigilator even checked my pack of Tissue papers thoroughly. Perhaps that is the another part of a high school fee. We had to bring our ic and as usual I didn't bring mine. Thank you Xu Shan, for going to my place and helping me all the way despite your test. You are the best, I owe you one!

Well, the test is upon 25 and the lecturer went through with us after the test. Not bad, I think I only made 2 mistakes. My schedule is so so packed. I still have 2 more assignments and 1 group project. After which it would be examinations all the way. Looking forward to the break 2 months away. That is still so long.

Life is weird when you reach a age whereby you are neither this nor that. Neither a teenager not an adult. Like Britney's song, Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman. People do not know what approach to use when relating to you and neither do you know what kind of reactions to give in response. The early 20s creates lots of confusion and if you are unable to get out of the fix, then you are wasting some good time in your life. We have entered a zone whereby casino has no place for us, theme park no longer appeals, arcade seems way childish, K-ing burns a hole in our pocket, eating threatens to stretch your waist to another inch. Somehow there is no zest in our life when we should be at the peak riding on it. Strange strange life...

Jacqueline
6:56 AM