If death could solve all the problems in the world, I would gladly die. But chances are, many people wouldn't even care less. They will tear, sob a little, wiped away theirs tears, comment on how great you have been, sob uncontrollably, burts into tears and forget you in few years time. Have been crying till my heart and eyes hurt so much that I couldn't fall asleep. When I sleep, my feelings betrayed me again. I sleep walked. this is worse than what I have been through not long ago. I feel blood when I cry, I feel like I am punched in my socket, in my lungs, air is escaping, I am left empty, empty and empty.
Why is it that things and beliefs that I have held firmly to always disappoint me?
Why am I so perceptive in looking at others situation but not mine?
Why do I always forgive so readily?
Why am I always the one feeling guilty?
Why am I the one always absorbing all harm and pain?
Are all the things I did worthwhile?
Why bother?
Why the instinct to protect and get myself hurt?
Why the need to please others?
Why are my pleasure and happiness derive from others happiness and pleasure?
Why am I always the one singled out by God to torture?
Why do I feel so much pain?
Why the failure in the seemingly flawless situation?
(Why, Why, Why)^infinity
I feel like Louisa in Charles Dickens Hard Times. I really really really feel like her. Cheated by everyone all my life. I can totally
relate to her. No wonder Hard Times was always my strength. Now I know why. but fret not, unlike Louisa, I will take things my way.
I would be going Gentings. So long friends. Need time to cool down. Too bad is Gentings, I will try to see what I can bring back for you ppl but I don't think there will be anything I can buy. Hotel toothpaste anyone fancy?
Jacqueline
8:16 AM
I felt like dying yesterday.. But I am feeling better now. Hmmm.. I feel cheated, hurt, betrayed.. Too bad, nothing ever gets me down. I have the instinct to search for a redeeming situation. This is your very last chance, I swear, don't cheat one me. 1 last time. Let's see how long your promise holds. Never meddle with me or ever bother to lie cos I am sure I will never ever trust you again. Never. Don't turn my genuine feelings into genuine hatred. An Aries hates to be cheated the most. Don't agitate gals, we are not nice to mess up with. I will not think of dying today. I am going to change you, to change the world. Don't let me hate you...
Jacqueline
10:41 AM
Had been a long long time since I last blogged. Guess i have been missing out much. No, I am not That busy despite the multiple deadlines to meet. Neither am I stressed over work or studies. Instead, I am upset by the way foreigners view Singaporeans. Malaysians, India, Thailand and Chinese. It's depressing to know that we are so disliked by Asians. I kept figuring what is wrong with us. There may be a difference in culture but how different could it be, considering us living so near each other. Are we really arrogant or are they simply unknowingly jealous of us? If we do appear rude or arrogant, I am sure it's because of our inability to express ourselves. As the in between of both Chinese values and an americanised society, neither are we too hypocrite to smile but harbour thoughts or mentally scan through your History nor are we too frank or rude to show our behaviours. What is wrong with that? As a result, we are the one getting IT. There is a recent news about Malaysians snatching some freebies and they were potrayed in the positive light. If we, Singaporeans do that, then we are considered kiasu. And the Chinese from China, they pushed us out of queue when buying a ticket or collecting a goodie bag. Why didn't anyone highlight this? Why are we condemed and stereotyped. Because we are small? So much for equality. Why pick on us if we are that small? Because we are a threat. because of our tight security? because there is no other way to pick on us? Time to use some brains guys, you mothers don't give them to you just for the sake of casting lame accusations. Think twice or give a better excuse next time if you think that our straight fowardness affects your lives and will change your life drastically if we exist in the world. Why not think about your own faults before following the crowd and pointing your fingers at us? Is that a way to become westernised too? Really, think over it... think carefully and admit it, we all have our flaws.
Jacqueline
9:00 AM
Slippers- happy, sweet, and adorable, you are well
loved by everyone. People cannot help but like
you. You love to be surrounded by people that
love you, who- in your case- is anyone.
What Kind of Shoe Are You? brought to you by Quizilla
Saw this quiz on emily's and Yun's blog and thought I could try it out. After all it's fun cpmparing the different results. But Too bad, I am not sweet, not adorable and not well loved by everyone.
I was on the bus back from tuition yesterday when a thought struck me. (what to do, I am a dreamer. I bet by the time we reach 40+ I would be the first to have plenty of white hair!) I thought of the multiple reasons as to why no man can interest me and slowly came to a conclusion. I love myself and my family too much such that any guy could at most only be a bonus to me. Maybe that's why I seemed independent.
Well, i reached home and my parents were having dinner. So I sat there and told them by conclusion. (omiting that I love them too much. They wouldn't believe! ;) ) Mum disagreed immediately. She said that if I love myself that much, then why I always do self-sacrificial stuff. Dad, on the other hand, went on the
"You are only 20, when you get older you will understand. Maybe next time you work overseas and get a boyfriend from other countries. They suit your personality more... anyway time has changed, I can't give my opinion..." All of a sudden, Mum said, "Oh, these kind of things, ask your Dad. He has more experience." Hahaha... and Dad trying hard to hide his smile, insisted that Mum knows more. I told them that now we have many places to go, but no time and they said that they had no places to go then, but a lot of time. I told them that it is sweet to hold hands, walk on the shore...and Mum said," Told you I have not much experience, Six years of dating and I went to the beach only once." Hahaha... And Dad was like so embarrassed, muttering to himself. It's so sweet, I enjoyed seeing elderly couples still together, expressing their love, their pure love without any lust tainting it. Anyway, I found an agreeing email that shows what a woman wants. Check it out below:
In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was
>> > pursuing the
>> > >question "What kind of man are you looking for?"
>> > >
>> > >She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in
>> > the eye and
>> > >asking,
>> > >"Do you really want to know?" Reluctantly, he said
>> > >"Yes."
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >She began to expound...
>> > >"As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position
>> > to ask a
>> > >man what he
>> > >can do for me that I can't do for myself. I pay my
>> > own bills. I take
>> > >care of my household without the help of any
>> > man...or woman for that
>> > >matter.
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >I am in the position to ask, "What can you bring to
>> > the
>> > >table?" The man
>> > >looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was
>> > referring to money.
>> > >She
>> > >quickly corrected his thought and stated, "I am not
>> > referring
>> > >to money.
>> > >I need something more. I need a man who is striving
>> > for perfection in
>> > >every aspect of life."
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked
>> > her to explain.
>> > >She
>> > >said "I am looking for someone who is striving for
>> > perfection
>> > >mentally
>> > >because I need conversation and mental stimulation.
>> > I don't need a
>> > >simple-minded man.
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >"I am looking for someone who is striving for
>> > perfection
>> > >spiritually
>> > >because I don't need to be unequally
>> > yoked...believers mixed with
>> > >unbelievers is a recipe for disaster.
>> > >
>> > >"I need a man who is striving for perfection
>> > financially
>> > >because I don't
>> > >need a financial burden.
>> > >
>> > >"I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to
>> > understand
>> > >what I
>> > >go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me
>> > grounded.
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >"I am looking for someone who I can respect. In
>> > order to be
>> > >submissive,
>> > >I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man
>> > who isn't taking
>> > >care
>> > >of his business. I have no problem being
>> > submissive...he just has to
>> > >be
>> > >worthy.
>> > >
>> > >"God made woman to be a help mate for man. I can't
>> > help a man
>> > >if he
>> > >can't help himself."
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He
>> > sat there with a
>> > >puzzled look on his face. He said, "You are asking a
>> > lot."
>>>>She replied, "I'm worth a lot."
I think this, or at least some part of it represents what a woman wants. Not money..though that can be a bonus that I wouldn't mind. =P
Jacqueline
7:42 AM
Have not been feeling well these few days. Wonder what is wrong with my system. I must be lacking exercise. Went for my taekwando yesterday and ended up puking as I wasn't well and had been attending lessons the whole day with only half an hour break in between. There wasn't even time for lunch. Wonder if I still want to join taekwando. The people there are so weird and as we did not have the uniform, they kept on staring at us. That is just so so so weird. So so tired. I am find emotionally and physically but somehow the fatigue is weighing heavily on me now. Maybe I am old.
Well, got a couple of presents for V day. Thanks Win for the beautiful blue rose. It's really sweet of you. Thanks Carina, for the very beautiful earring. Also, thank you to Rena for the very sweet gift, Jaslyn for the tao hua jelly, (my brother ate it. Argh!!! my tao hua flies!) A big hug to Yilin for the supersoft, cute and cuddly doggie. Thanks all. =)
Btw, (Wee, Carina): I remembered who the Valentino(hahahahaha) looks like. You know Machi? The most *erm.. i mean the less better-looking one. No wonder they are just as jumpy. Anyway, great time with you girls.
I am tired. real tired. gtg now cos I am typing all these in my computer lesson... Shhhh...
Jacqueline
8:46 AM
"Cold war is the war with the greatest form of destruction"
How hard is it to apologise to a person when you do him or her wrong? Apologies made up a huge part of my life. To me, they are the entry to building a stronger relationship. I simply hate it when people refused to admit their mistakes and made me appear like I was not understanding or over calculative. Even if I were exceptionally difficult to handle on that particular day(there are times whereby I refused to give in), the triggering factor still comes from your part and a SINCERE apology could resolve any and every animosity that had occured. Not admitting your mistakes and holding on to a huge ego only make you look empty headed and shallow. If you are that self-centred and think that you are the receiver of bad treatment, then you must have been guilty of doing something that you should not have done. If not, why do you think the response you got from others is negative. It is your guilt that makes you decipher it in the negative light. Remaining silent does not help in convincing yourself that you are innocent. Silence makes the truth ambiguous from your perspective but that doesn't blur the other party's perspective. Therefore cold war not only destroys the stable personality that you have built up, but also a relationship that has withstand all turbulence. If it can conquer so many areas, then why not a mere 'pride'? I am not begging for apologies, but clearing misunderstandings. If you chose to take it the hard way, then there really is a need for you to sit down and think about who you really are.
Jacqueline
10:30 AM
"Movies reflect the times we live in, but it's the audience's desire for escapism that brings us to the movies."
Have been watching the movies as an extension of escapism. Mhmm.. it helps a lot considering how I went into the film not knowing that I was actually in for a horror treat. Gothitka, it sounded mysterious and well... i was intrigued by the title and the psychology factors. So intrigued that I neglected the fact that it is a supernatural thriller.I have never been a big fan of horror films considering my raging imagination. Guess subconsciously I 'tricked' myself into one. But damn, it was really worth catching cos I was totally lost, free from all worries and expectations, even if it was only for a while. Gosh, it feels great.
Yilin was saying," Jacq, can't believe you ask me to watch it cos I rejected a date to watch it earlier on. Don't be frightened if I grabbed your arms cos I might scream." I brushed it off and asked,"Anway, what is it about?" Lin: "You don't know? No wonder when I told you there are only few people in the cinema watching with us and you whopped with glee."
Ooops.. And that was only a few mins before the movie. I wasn't even ready to get mentally prepared! The only consolation is that it is not Korean or Jap movie. Foreign ghosts need to take plane and they look different. So it can't be related. One category erased for my wild imaginations.
Haha.. like 2 cowards, we cupped our ears whenever the camera zoomed in or whenever there is a change in the background music. Our actions were so harmonious and contagious that the lady beside us covered her ears whenever we lifted our hands. That reminds me of the 3 monkeys that do See No evil thingy. When Yilin and I were cuddling close we were both shivering and I actually burst into laughter cos I felt silly being THAT frightened over a movie. Perhaps we were born to be weak hearted.
Catch the movie! Cool... If you enjoy Sixth Sense, you will love this. Just a reminder, bring your sweater along, it's chilly in there......
Jacqueline
4:20 PM
"If you pretend to be good, the world would take you seriously,
If you pretend to be bad, it doesn't.
Such is the astounding stupidity of optimism."
--Oscar Wilde
I was trying to explain what "cheering up" means to Yiting during our session today and I found myself loss for words. Had been a long time since I last cheered up from unspoken pain and misery and because they were unspoken, the misery only sinks deeper and deeper down. Now, it is impossible to pull them out because any attempt would result in my whole heart crumbling. Just like what we used to learn in SJAB during Triage lessons: Any rubble or boulders should not be removed as they would result in the collaspe of the whole building. Sometimes, things may be better if they are left the way they are. The natural protective instinct of human nature coerced us to keep a part of our misery with us so that we will not be susceptible to the same kind of hurt. Perhaps the fear of going through the same kind of hurt makes us hold on to the pain.
Life can never get too good and neither can it ever get too bad. Guess there is a balance in everything. If you think your life is boring, think again. What do you exactly prefer? To end this blog, I would like to share a quote that caught my attention when we were discussing Lit in Year 1:
"Life is unfair. But life is unfair for everyone. That is what that makes life fair"
Jacqueline
10:49 PM
My Saturday
+++++++++
I woke up early in the morning and tried to do my BC project but in the end it was still half done as Mum pulled me to the place at Bukit Timah to bu3 yun4. Hope it helps though I really doubt so. Yun and I, we are the self-recognised, ill-fated being born in a world whereby we seldom have any brush with luck. Mhmm.. going Genting soon and I must not gamble b for people like me is the richest when nothing is done. I went there and passed by Bey's house without Bey being there. Felt so so empty and I would be taking the route half a week whenever I return from school. Mhmm.. *sign*
In the evening, I headed down Park Mall with my mum and cousins to watch my auntie perform. Beautiful! Nig
drove us there and both of us were bored stiff by the surrounding that we slipped out for Fish n Co. He Pay. Well he insisted to, what can I do. When I wanted to help him save money and chose to drink the plain water they provide, he ordered EVIAN. What a total waste of money. He claimed that their plain water is by default and that evian is mineral water that flows down from the mountain. Jeez.. But it was cool being seen with him. Haha.. He charmed the waiters and waitreses all the way with his politeness and gentlemanly ways that our table had the Best Service in the whole restaurant (and therefore the tips) He ordered a seafood platter and a prawns delight. Yummy... That's it Carina, such rare species should not be wasted. I must do something, I must! Win, the more I look at my Nig's face, the more I think he is suitable for your cousin. Qin1 shang4 jia1 qin1? hahah... But there is a problem. Throngs of girls are after him...
Ps: Nig said he got hundred over dollars from ah gong's hongbao. ( he said 100+ but I am sure it's more than that and he kept it from me because he didn't want me to feel bad.) That is logical cos it was near his birthday. Xin ni had one hundred fron ah gong and her birthday is 200 days later. I think I got $60 or $40 from ah gong, and I understand why too, despite how Nig tried to convince me that I was too sensitive. Well...
Loads of projects, assignments and deadlines to meet... Wonder if I can make it through..
Jacqueline
12:48 PM
[Drama: thunder, lightning] (stiffled voice):Bey, this is for u...
Night has crept in, dark as sin.
I tossed and turned but I couldn't sleep.
Memories flitted: the amused, dumb and the mean.
Yet we hit of that well, sharing a friendship so deep.
In our different ways we communicate,
Though it is wholly different from your Amen,
Still we conveyed what is to be said,
Using our silly methods practised by our clan.
... ...
Morning dews kept me wider awake,
In the park I tried sorting out my thoughts.
I witnessed how flowers bloom, just for your sake,
And realised how much felicity to us you have brought.
We will look with anticipation on your next return, just as how
You will look with anticipation to your next gift.
With wishes and thoughts and all the love you have earned,
May the sun of yours be brighter each day, shining the route ahead of you as you leave.
[melo-drama: Jay's cello, a sudden rain of yellow flowers... Jay n Jacq kiss. hahahahah... Somebody, anybody, stop me!]
Happy V day! Today is the last day of Chinese New Year. Bey, you were upset that you couldn't celebrate V day in Singapore, but it's really alright cos it is the Chinese's V day today. Had a great time yesterday with all of you at Suntec k box. I am always glad when I see friends who stay the same no matter how hard life is on them, how situation compels them to act in a different way. Despite all, we are still stuck at the age whereby we hanged out several years back. the identity of the bond still remains and we get to go berserk once in a blue moon. Lin got sex-crazed and returned to her pole dancing, reminding us her flair in dancing to any tune. Win, as usual, make guys weak in her knees, Flo, still the loud sneezing (Just don't wanna embarrass u, mind u, I could hear the thunderous nose-blowing amid the char shao bao k! yea, last but not least, Xu shan, still on the wrong frequency. Shi bear, win? Hahah.. we were totally out of control. If anyone wants to check Win out, he would have been frightened by our loud bunch! SIM gatherings are so pale in comparison to ours. =P
But it was truely a good time, how strong our bond is despite "time-lag". we could simply revert to our true forms (not the fox spirit or the spider spirit) and enjoyed a day of release in a dark box whereby no one really cares or judged the way and age you act. I guess that is the final blessing the angel gave to us so that we have enough strength to start the new journey ahead of us.
Bey, a new life awaits and after what you have been through in Newcastle, it could really be a blessing minusing all the settling down arrangements. At least your parents will be there with you for the time-being. sorry for being unable to send you off. Got to work. Let me save lots of money so that when you come back we can have more gatherings k? I know you will be back when July comes. I m sure cos by then we all need another release. Take care Bey ping ping..Jeez
oh ya, met jess yesterday too! Miss her so much and I m soooo glad to see her. And I finally got the chance to see Spencer. Mhmm... It was a great great day. I am not going to say -wish time would stop yesterday- cos that is just another rubbish. I have to learn to be more practical, to accept the tough and to expect the worst. I took a leave from being a cynic yesterday but work starts today once again...
Jacqueline
7:46 AM
"It never is fair. But we hang on because we know at the end of the day relationships are not just about being fair, it's about being with each other no matter how tough things get.
No, I'm not an angel, just a friend who cares. "
You are guided by the wind. You obey your impulses.
You are the kind of person that is always comng
up with ideas that would be fun, yet somewhat
destructive. (Rate my test)
What force is your soul?
brought to you by Quizilla
For all the friends that are concerned, no worries. Jacq seldom makes people worried. Life is life and I am currently bounded with the affections of assignments and projects.
Went to Seoul Garden with my OG pals. It was quite alright. Cool, now they have this Japanese dumpling there for you to do your own guo1 tie1. We took some pictures and I went back after dinner. They told me to go Zouk with them but it was a last minute decision and I wasn't appropraitely dressed then. It was Hip Hop night then. I went to the bus-stop and waited one full hour for 190! Thanks to Chingay Preview. I gave up waiting and went to Ngee Ann city to join the never-ending queue for taxis and when I finally hopped on one, the taxi-driver drove me to Woodlands. My fare was so damn ex but I was too overcomed with fatigue to argue. I wouldn't argue anyway. He was simply lucky to meet me. If it was... Hahah..
Everything is attacking me from all directions and the venom is spreading at an increasing rate. But that's fine, I have the antidote and I am recuperating under its regular dose. I am fine and I am my own doc as I am other's. Bey is leaving...can't believe it! We are already so used to her being here. Now she seems so near yet so far especially since my school is so near hers. Ok, there would be another KTV session tmr. k-box ant Suntec. It would be great I know cos whether a gathering is wonderful totally depends on the people you are going with. My wonderful, fantastic sec school friends... Have made all necessary arrangements, fix the date, inform the group and cancelled my tuition with Yiting. A playday awaits!
Mhmm.. I am currently in school. Love the school for the computers and the endless surfing. Signing off...
Jacqueline
1:38 PM
