Read this in Chinese and find some meaning in it:
NIAN(2) NIAN(2) NAN(2) GUO(4) NIAN(2) NIAN(2) GUO(4), CHU(4) CHU(4) WU(2) JIA(1) CHU(4) CHU(4) JIA(1) This is my favourite couplet. I find this really meaningful. Not only does it depict how helpless we are in this world, it also shows how life still goes on depite our difficulties. It seems as if someone really understand your pain and sincerely wants you to pull through whatever pain that makes you think of ending your life. I know it's the 2nd day of Lunar New Year but my mood is totally dampened. It's impossible to not get affected taking into consideration how pessimistic I am. I feel that it is impossible to HUI(2) DAO(4) GUO(4) QU(4). When you fail, you fail. Standing up again and conquering your challenge only highlights how you had failed the first time round. Yes it is over, but it will always be there. You can, and must move on, but it is still there. If you can't let go, you will blame yourself on that failure no matter what set backs you meet. if anyone treats me badly, it's because of my inability to do them proud. If anyone doesn't like me, it's because I don't have the ability to move on, to make them respect me. If Dad and his ego problem comes up, it's because of my inability to make him proud of me, to appease his anger. I don't know. I am making myself confused again. I WANT PEACE. WHAT IS SO DIFFICULT ABOUT GETTING SOMETHING SO SIMPLE? It must be my fault, cos I can't let go of the past. I am left badly scarred. Sometimes i wish myself to vaporise into the air. I think of people's sufferings and I know mine, if it is considered one, is so minor as compared to theirs. I can't deal with failures. I am not happy. I am not. I can't be no matter how hard I convinced myself. I can't do what I like, but at least I am not doing something I hate. I am so average. As my age increases, there seems to be a decrese in my ability to do any and everything. When I was a mere 4 years old, my parents brought me to the then SOGO shopping centre where there were many shoppers. Then they hid behind the partitions while watching my reaction when I was 'lost'. She told me that I didn't shed a tear. Instead, I placed both hands behind me while my eyes scanned the shopping centre. When I spotted my elder brother who ran gleefully to his "long lost sister", I walked slowly to him. As a kid, I was always too calm, too mature, too 'jing', too comrehensive, too alert... All these "toos" led to my grandparents liking my Xin Ying more cos I did not possessed any naivety, any childishness. When Xin Ying left us, everyone was sooooo distraughted. She wa so full of life, so bubbly... I wished I were the one who left. Maybe that would lessen their pain. I am not sayng all these in jealousy, neither am I trying to gain sympathy or trying to be the great sacrificer. I feel guilty for everything that happened to anyone. I need to do everything because I am expected to do them cos I am the mature one. People wouldn't thanks you, wouldn't appreciate because all these are expected. As a child, I could not whine to grandpa, I could not imitate the way Bugs bunny and Tweety Bird speak cos if I do that, they would think I am crazy. I could not dance as I walked when I feel happy, I could not cry or throw tantrums when I was upset cos it's not included in the "expectation package". I grew up non-chalent, reserved, mature, understanding... It's not me but it has become all of me. I always fantasize taking a chopper and chasing ppl that get on my nerves, or jumping down from buildings for the sake of thrill, or even making someone fall by sticking out my leg... pulling the pants of someone I dislike down and run away, laugh like Florence when someone weird falls down, criticise like Yilin and standing up for myself, stabbing Harpal Singh over and over, kicking him in there...digging his eyes... all nasty thoughts that I always discuss with Yunz... Trust me, don't mess with me..
Jacqueline
10:30 PM
